protecting the littlest ones

Rough night. I had to run to the store tonight and headed out about 8pm. There was a lady walking by the front of my house, carrying a young girl. I glanced at her, got in my car and then thought 'i should have offered her a ride'. I was hesitant and ended up just getting in my car and driving away. I drove a few blocks away and when i was sitting there at the stoplight i knew i needed to go back and at least offer her a ride. The mom (assuming she was the mom) didn't have a coat and she was carrying the young girl (about 2 yrs. old). I caught up with them a way down the road and pulled over, rolled down my window and offered her a ride. It took me a few tries to get her attention and then she refused 'no, we're alright'. As i pulled away i did not have a good feeling about leaving her walking without having someone check it out. The mom seemed to slur her words and she was staggering as she walked. I called the police department. Then i drove around and around and around the block to make sure the police found her. They did. Then i broke down. Bawling. That little girl had a pink coat, brown hair and she just reminded me of my lil' love bug. I could just picture it being my girl dragged around by her biomom wherever she feels the need to go at night in 40 degree weather. It breaks my heart to think about what my girl has to deal with when she is not in my home. I pray that if lovebug is ever in a dangerous situation, someone will have the strength to protect her or call the police and make sure they protect her. I pray that someone will care enough to protect a little girl they don't know. I hate it when lovebug is not in my home. I hate it when she has overnights. I hate it when she is gone for weeks. I am sad thinking about what she has seen, what she has to deal with and how scared she must be at times. I still cry thinking about that little girl being carried around by her mom. Was she drunk? on drugs? in trouble? I am just happy the police were able to find her and i at least know i did what i could. It just makes me sad to think about what these little kids have to deal with when their parents do drugs, are immature, fight with each other or are in some kind of trouble. They are so helpless and i just hope there are people out there who will keep an eye out for strange or dangerous situations. Follow your instincts, and if you don't want to get involved or confront someone. Call the authorities, let them check it out. If nothing is wrong, then nothing will happen...but you just might save someone.

a picture is worth a thousand words...

We finally got our family pictures done today. Yeah! It has been a long time coming and i am so happy we were finally able to get them done. When my brother juan was here in colorado this summer, we were able to take family pics. My mom, stepdad and us kids. We also took some with everyone; my parents, my brothers and sister and all the grandchildren. Well, almost all the grandchildren, lovebug was not in any of the pictures. She was with her biomom at the time. My mom wanted individual family pictures too but we did not do one. We couldn't. Not without lovebug. So, we finally did them today. I can't wait to see them and i just know they came out great.
I am so happy we got them done. We took pictures of me and brian with lovebug after she had been with us for about 6 months. I know there are some people who wait till their kids are 'officially' theirs. It's cool to have an 'official' family pic after adoption. I would love to have one of those. I just don't know if we will ever get that opportunity with lovebug. So, i am so happy we did not wait. I would not have the pictures of us and lovebug as a family. And we are a family. She would not have those pictures to see of us together. Lovebug was just carrying around one of the wallet sized pictures the other day. She loves those pictures. I want to acknowledge the fact that we ARE a family. Families are different and no family is the same. We just have a different situation. There is no birth certificate or adoption ceremony in the world that will make me love my kids more than i do. I love them. We are a family. I needed to get these pictures done. I never know how long lovebug will be with us. She could be taken at any moment. When she grows up, i want her to have family pictures with us. Professional family pictures to show her that she is most definitely a part of our family, whether she ever gets adopted or not. I want the boys to see that we were a family, even before we adopted them. They are my sons. We are family. All of us together and now we will have the pictures to prove it!
It was a beautiful day. My favorite time of year. Autumn. The week of my tenth anniversary. Our family of two has expanded. Ten years ago, i never thought we would have 4 kids. I had hopes and dreams of what my family would be, and those hopes and dreams were slowly shattered. Little by little i lost hope at ever having a family. Brian and i have been through a lot in our ten years of marriage. Ten years ago i never could have imagined the trials and heartache. Yet, here i am. Taking family pictures with my husband and our 4 children. 4 children! It amazes me sometimes. I am blessed...

confessions of a clean freak

If you know me at all, then you know i am a little bit of a freak about cleaning. I like a clean house, i like an organized house and everything in my house has a place. It is just the way i am. I take a lot of the cleaning on , just because i like things done my way. Brian doesn't like it when i go behind him and redo what he has done, so i do it myself the first time. (let me add that he is a great help, and does a lot of the housework i don't like to do) If you ever watched the t.v. show friends, then you will understand when i say i associate myself with monica. Brian teases me all the time. I admit it, and i don't think it is the worst habit to have, of all the options out there. It is hard to stay organized with 4 little ones! It is my biggest challenge and i will say that i work hard to stay on top of things. I tell you all of this because gee's room is KILLING me! He likes to organize and clean his room, bless his little heart. A little one after my own heart........BUT, he doesn't do it the way i would do it! I know, i know, just be thankful he likes to clean and organize. I really am. It just takes all of me not to re-organize or tell him how to do it. I am trying to give him his space. I understand that in a house of 6 people, it is hard to have privacy, hard to express yourself and hard to find a space that is all your own. I am giving him that....even if it makes me crazy!! I had to take some pics to show you how cute he is organizing everything. This is clean in his mind. Super clean and he is very proud! This is messy to me!! Messy!! I love him and it should show in my ability to let him keep his room this way. Oh, how i love him!

Bunny ears and caves, really? Don't knock it, somehow it worked!

Gee and lovebug have learned to tie their shoes. Just like that. Lovebug decided at the beginning of the week that she wanted to tie her shoes, by herself. So, i started working with her. This was Sunday. Gee really didn't show any interest at first, he really didn't seem to care that lovebug was learning and he wasn't. He was happy to have me tie his shoes and recently he learned to take off his shoes without untying them, so he didn't have to ask anyone to tie them the next morning. (Very smart!) His uncle joe helped him early this summer and gee practiced for a week or so but didn't seem to stick with it. I must admit i have had some anxiety about teaching the kids to tie their shoes, i really wasn't sure how to teach them and was afraid they would be adults wearing velcro shoes! But lovebug is DETERMINED! She was not going to let me get away with just tying her shoes for her and hoping she would learn on the streets what her own mother was afraid to teach! She kept me trying and teaching. We had some extremely frustrating moments and she has cried and growled and blamed and still she kept on trying. I can tell you that my patience was stretched to the limits when i was ready to head out and she was sitting there trying to tie her shoes - over and over and over and over, determined to get it right! Then we were at itty bitty city on friday morn and i told the kids to get their shoes on, of course lovebug wanted to tie her shoes so i sat there with her and she tied both shoes with minimal frustration and little help. Then to my surprise - gee tied his shoes!! All by himself! I was amazed and unknown to me brian had showed him how to tie his shoes the day before and i think gee was just able to pick up where he left off early this summer. Today both kids tied both shoes - ALL BY THEMSELVES! (showing off their skills to nana) I am so proud of them. They will learn, in spite of my fears!

building for the future

We were at our foster support group a couple weeks ago and one of the caseworkers asked what was going on with lovebug. She hadn't been at support group and she was curious why we had her again. I explained that lovebug's biomom wanted us to have lovebug for the school year, that she had signed a power of attorney through the middle of june. This caseworker then made a comment about 'well, it will be interesting to see what will happen in june'. Really? That is your first thought, that is the comment you make as a caseworker? That is the way you support your foster families? I was taken aback and it has kinda been sittin' and brewin' in my thoughts for the last couple weeks. I just don't understand people, they can be so rude. I am so grateful for every day i have with lovebug. It is a blessing every night i get to tuck her into her bed in my home. I know she is safe. I have had one more day to build her self-esteem. One more day to encourage her to trust herself and to speak up and let her voice be heard. Every night i am thankful for the opportunity i have had that day to build her up so when the day comes when she is not in my home, she will be strong. Whether that day is tomorrow, or in june or when she goes away to college. I get these kinds of comments often, it hurts every time. I wish people could just be supportive and acknowledge the blessings in the moment. Build for the future, don't worry about it. It is what i am trying to do these days, live in the moment. Enjoy the now.

playing catch-up

We had school conferences this last week. They went well for the most part and i have to say that all 4 of my kids seem to have a strong love for learning.
Gee is behind on his letter recognition and sounds. We are really working with him and he loves to learn and is eager, which is a blessing. It will come to him. It is a lot of work to do in a couple months that many of these kids have had the opportunity to develop over the years. I guess that is what really bothers me. We are playing catch up. I know it is what i have signed up for, i know that this is my life, this is my family, these are our obstacles. I just can't help but think sometimes.........what would be different if i had had these boys from the beginning? What if they were mine from birth? I just wish they could have spent their early years learning their letters and singing songs and learning letter sounds and counting and shapes and all the other fun stuff instead of having to worry about their hungry tummies and staying safe and whatever else they had to endure.
Turtle is really struggling with transitions in class and listening. His speech is severely delayed and it is very hard to understand him. I think he gets lost in the classroom and will do anything he can to get attention. They started a star chart and he seems to have made significant improvement. I just wish the speech would come and i think everything else would follow. It is going to take a lot more work and extra time with turtle to catch him up to his peers, he has a long way to go. I feel like turtle has endured the longest length of time with neglect and this is why he is needing so much more time and patience. Gee was spoiled in many ways, banana was taken away at 13 months and turtle was already 2 1/2 years old when he was taken away. He had over a year more of neglect than banana had, he was passed the 'baby' stage when he was removed. No wonder he can't speak. I just know he will get it soon and he will be unstoppable. It's going to take a lot of understanding from me and brian and i really hope his teachers will be patient and will help him to be his best.
I am not to worried about banana. He has the advantage of being the youngest and he will have the opportunity to learn from his brothers and sister. He is in 3 year old preschool and i am definitely not putting academics on him yet. He has a couple years before i have to worry about whether he is behind or not and i don't see that being a concern. He is smart, he tries and he will be able to learn in a safe and loving home. He will be ready for kindergarten.
Same thing with our lovebug. I don't have to worry about her, she is just one of those kids that amazes. It is amazing that she has gone through so much and still has the ability to learn and excel at all she does. She is a determined little girl and i have no doubt she will be reading by the time she starts kindergarten next year.
I have so much more i want to say but will save for another post. I really hope i can take the time and start blogging on a more consistent basis. I just need to slow down and take the time.

what a week

I have had one of those weeks. One of those weeks where everything seems to be happening at once, where everything needs to be done right now, where i feel like i haven't had a chance to breathe. I am tired and not the 'i need more sleep tired' but more of a 'i wish i could just say no' kind of tired. It has been one of those kind of weeks. There are no sick days or vacation time for mommies! All you mommies know exactly what i mean. Please don't get me wrong, i love and cherish being a mommy and i wouldn't trade it for the world, it's just been that kind of week.
It hasn't even been that busy this week. I have had far busier weeks and days than this week, BELIEVE ME! I was just not equipped to handle it all this week. I hate to blame it on 'that time of the month' but it really is the culprit. I feel so tired and drained. Thanks to my husband i was able take a nap one day this week, and boy did i sleep. I slept hard and 3 hours later i still had a hard time waking up. I always have one day where i feel absolutely horrible, i'm talking flu-like symptoms. I have body aches (down to my fingers), feel nauseous, tired and just plain sick. I am so happy this week is over.....next week will be a better week :)

school love :)

My kids are all in school. I am so thankful and hope they will learn to love and enjoy school at a young age and that love will continue throughout their educational career!
I taught preschool for a couple years and worked in child care for about 10 years and I loved it. I could see how much children benefited from the time they spent with their peers, a loving caretaker and fun experiences that most would not get at home. I am so excited for my 3 younger ones to get the experience of a preschool setting. I attended headstart as a 4 year old and those are some of my earliest memories and they are all happy memories. I remember loving the time at school, my teacher (Lola), art and the play house/dress-up area! There are so many things the kids will get to experience that i just don't have the time or space to do here at home. I find myself getting caught up in cleaning and cooking and driving and grocery shopping and all the other everyday activities that i forget to sing songs and walk like a robot and play with macaroni and make fruit loop necklaces and jump like a frog and make 'goop' and fingerpaint and watercolor and glue with glitter and all those other messy and fun things that i just don't have the, let's be honest here, the PATIENCE to break out every day. I try to do it once in a while and maybe with the colder weather coming soon, we will have the time to break out more of that stuff. It is so hard to break out that cornstarch goop when you just finished cleaning the kitchen from breakfast. I am grateful that they are able to go to school and get these experiences in larger and more frequent doses.
I see the difference from preschool and kindergarten. It is such a big difference! There aren't the toys or the open space or the free time or the play time that gee had in preschool. There are such high expectations and i can already see gee being left behind. He doesn't have the focus yet and it is something we have to work on with him. He has extra homework and we need to try and get him caught up to the other kids in his class. We will do it, it's just going to take a lot of extra effort and some extra time with him. I am so excited that he will be able to read! yes, read! at the end of this school year. I am an avid reader and it is one of my greatest joys in life. I hope all my kids find a love for books. It is just so hard to imagine him learning so much in a school year and it amazes me to think of how much knowledge his lil' brain will be able to soak up and i just hope he doesn't get frustrated or discouraged. I want it to be fun!
I hope that the younger kids will get the foundation they will need to succeed in kindergarten. I am excited that they are attending preschool at the same school that they will attend kindergarten and beyond. The preschool teacher will know what the kindergarten teachers are expecting and their program is in sync with the whole school curriculum and philosophy. I am excited i was able to open enroll the kids in a better school than the school in our boundary. It is an excellent school. They have wonderful teachers, a strong parent involvement, high test scores and a wonderful philosophy. I love the school already and can't wait till i have the opportunity to volunteer more. I am hoping next year the kids will all have the same schedules and it will give me the chance to spend more time in their classrooms.
I always loved school and hope my kids will have the same love!

I'm back

I have had an incredibly busy summer and then school started and i just couldn't get back into blogging....but here i am.
A quick recap of my summer: my brother and his family came to visit. Love him. Love them. Miss them already :( We had a great time. My niece and nephew spent 2 weeks with us - I WAS BUSY! zoo, mountains, family reunion, camping, casa bonita, drive in movies, gee and turtle were in t-ball, my brother was on iron chef america and we spent the last half of the summer at the pool. That was our summer in a nutshell. It was a wonderful summer!
So our lil' love bug was with her mom the last time i blogged, she was scheduled to come back in august. Well, biomom's sister called (on behalf of biomom) the second week of july and wanted us to come get her...ASAP. So we went and got her the next day from grand junction. She has been with us since. Biomom has signed a power of attorney. She still has all her rights and the only thing it does is give us the ability to make decisions about health care, school, etc., biomom can revoke this at any time. I think we are safe for the school year. We will see.....
All 4 of my kids are in school. All at the same school. Yeah! I was so worried I would be travelling to 3 different schools. I still have 3 different schedules but I at least only have to deal with one school. I am not looking forward to when brian goes back to work and winter weather starts! It is going to be rough carting everyone back and forth. But they all LOVE school! I really don't have much of a break, the schedules are all so different that i have at least 1 kid with me at any time so it is hard to get some quiet time to blog.
I miss blogging so i hope i can get back into this :)

elation with a side of sadness

My brother juan came in late saturday night. I am soooo happy to see him! The last time i saw him was 2 1/2 years ago when my grandma died, the last time i saw his wife jenn and their two kids, was 4 1/2 years ago when they came out for christmas. It has been way too long. I have missed them all and i am so thankful that my mom was able to give us all this incredible gift. All of us together and enjoying each other's company.
I love juan, he was one of my best friends growing up. We had great times but we also fought like CRAZY! especially the tween and teen years! It was ridiculous. He makes me laugh. He makes me cry. We share the same memories and to quote from The Big C: i am closest to him (and my brother david) genetically than any other person in the whole world. I love that he can show up and we just pick up like he never left. I love spending this time with my brother and all of my family. We spent the weekend with each other and we all had a great time. We can only take each other in small doses and this weekend was perfect!
Wellllll.....almost perfect. I miss our lovebug! Oh, i am sad my brother and his family will not get to meet our lil' lovebug. I just have this underlying layer of sadness attached to my happiness and elation of this visit with my brother. He would love her. She is amazing and a crack-up! I was looking forward to introducing him to my family and my family is not complete without her.
Maybe next time......

understanding and forgiveness

I am going through a hard time right now, it is hard to be around people. I can't believe that we are going through all this......still. I am just so tired of it. Every time i think we have found our way to the other side of the pain, every time i think we are ready to live our happiness, we hit a brick wall. It is hard to hear the words of sympathy, it is hard to answer the questions. I find myself pulling away, keeping to ourselves. Me, brian and the boys. Just us. Dealing with our loss together but alone.

I don't want to go around family, because they ask the questions i don't want to answer. Over and over and over. I have invited them into our lives, they are my family, they have supported me over the years and they want to help, love and comfort. I am just not in a place to receive it right now. The pain is too raw. There is so much unknown and i have not dealt with the sadness and pain of her not being here yet. I am not ready to answer questions, i really don't have any answers right now.

It has been 8 years since my first miscarriage. Everyone knows my story. Everyone knows about my losses. I have put myself out there, especially with this blog but it is the form of communication that i am most comfortable with. I find that when i write i can say and feel it all. I can get across how i am feeling in a way i can never do when trying to verbally communicate. I am needing some time to figure this out, to know what this all means for my family. How we are going to get through this.

So forgive me if i don't show up to the get together. Forgive me if i am there but not 'present'. Forgive me if i don't answer the questions. Forgive me, i don't have the answers right now. Forgive me, i need some space. I feel the love. I see the sympathy in your eyes. I hear the sadness in your voice. I am sorry you have to go through this too. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I wish i could just have a baby. I wish it was that easy for me. I wish you didn't have to search for the words to comfort me. I wish you didn't have to watch me go through the pain. I just wish....so many wishes.....so few answers.....a lot of understanding needed.

tamale making

I went to my aunt's house yesterday to learn how to make tamales. It was wonderful. A lot of work but a lot of fun. I don't have a great memory but there are bits and pieces of things i remember from my childhood, and one of the things i remember is my grandma's kitchen on tamale making days. Piles and piles of tamales, hojas, bowls of masa and a house full of family. I remember the smell. The delicious smell of corn masa and chile. I remember the laughter and stories. I remember eating the tamales, warm and fresh from the steaming pile, piled high by the working hands of my aunts and grandma.
I am so thankful for the invitation to learn how to make these most treasured and traditional tamales. Learning the way my Grandma made tamales. It is something that, as a daughter of a son, i don't have the opportunity to learn from my parent. It is something that could have been lost to me and my family. It is a wonderful gift that my aunt betty gave to me. I am thankful.
We had so much fun. The laughter and stories continued, this time in a different kitchen but with the same spirit and love. My grandma was not there physically but she was most definitely there. She was present in our hearts and her legacy lives on in her daughter and granddaughters. What a wonderful day.
I am ready to teach my brothers and sister. I will share my grandma's tamales with them and we will all continue to pass on her traditions.

It's all i can do

I get into these situations and i don't know how to handle them. I don't know who to scream at. I don't know who to tell. So i write. Lovebug's mom picked her up about 3:30 and is planning on heading to grand junction for the summer. She promises to bring her back in august for school. I don't believe her. I am still angry with social services. I recentley received a survey from the colorado department of human services asking why we have decided not to be foster parents.(we are no longer foster parents, we have been switched to kinship care since we got the boys). I have filled out the form and i am attaching a letter. It's all i can do. As a foster parent we have no say, we have no rights and we deal with the after effects of a system that is broken and not working....anyway back to the letter. Here it is:


I am writing this as a former foster parent and a current kinship parent. We were foster parents for the county of Boulder. We have dealt with (caseworkers name), she was our foster daughter’s caseworker and her supervisor (supervisor's name). We had a little girl in our care for a year and 4 months when she went home to her bio mother in February of 2010. We were not comfortable with her going home but obviously we had no control. We met with the little girl and bio mother 2 months after she went home, at that time the bio mom thought she might decide to let the girl come back to live with us. She was given a month to decide and decided to keep her. The case was kept open. I am not exactly sure the reason they kept the case open. I do know that mom was expecting a baby in November. During this time, we had random visits with the little girl, about once a month. The visits started to increase in about September and October. We started getting the little girl every other weekend, then every weekend and then the visits would extend past the weekend and we would have her for a week. The visits were being set up through social services at first but they did not continue to stay involved in the arrangement of visits, but the case was still open. The visits were not consistent. The bio mother continued to extend the visits past the set amount of time. We continued to communicate with the caseworker and voiced our concerns with the visits, mom not willing to communicate with us and my ‘gut feeling’ that something was wrong. After the first of the year(2011), bio mom started to leave her with us for a week and then 2 weeks at a time. She then left her with us on March 4 and left her with us for over 3 months. She has called and communicated with us about every 2 weeks. She kept extending the amount of time she needed us to watch the little girl until it turned into a situation where she wanted to leave her with us.
Social services has been involved this whole time up until 2 weeks ago when they said they were going to close the case. This case has been open for 2 years and 10 months. Social services has decided to close this case now. RIGHT NOW! Not anytime during this last year when all seemed fine with mom and the kids but now when it all seems to be falling apart. Now, when bio mom needs the most help. She was diagnosed with post-partum depression and depression in March. Her boyfriend of several years, and father of her other two children, broke up with her. The boyfriend refuses to let her see her other two children and has told her he has moved to another state. She had to move out of her home she had with him for the last 2 years and is living with her mom’s old boyfriend. A home that she has been told she now has 4 days to move out of, forcing her to move to Grand Junction with the only family member she speaks to. This family member is her sister who’s 1 year old little girl just died in February and the girl’s father is facing criminal charges for her death. She has NO support! The only support she had is gone: her boyfriend, his family, social services, her kids. Oh wait, she does have support. Her 3 year old daughter. And she is taking off with her to Grand Junction to live with her sister.
This bio mom had decided to leave this little girl with us and was willing to sign some sort of papers to give us custody, guardianship…something. Shortly after deciding this social services decided they were done with this case. They decided it was time to close the case and leave us to figure out how to get papers signed. We were told we had to do this on our own and bio mom needed to figure it out with legal services.
I am very angry and upset with the way this case has been handled. I am so incredibly sad for this little girl who will not have anyone looking out for her safety. We were all she had and now she is moving 5 hours away, too far for mom to call and ask us to come pick up this little girl because she is overwhelmed. Something she is used to doing. I cannot believe that social services has decided to close this case when there is not stability. I cannot believe this case was even allowed to be closed with so many unanswered questions. Bio mom is mentally unstable, living with friends, has no car to get around and has no room, clothes, car seat or necessities for this little girl; yet social services decided to close this case and leave this little girl in limbo.
My husband and I wanted to do foster care once our adoption of our nephews was finalized. We have a lot more to give to children. We wanted to continue to make a difference in children’s lives. I don’t see us being able to continue with foster care at this point. We are disheartened. We are frustrated and cannot stand to see another child and their family so easily written off by a system that is supposed to be there to help these people in need. This bio mom and child both need support and social services made the decision to close the case. It is an uncaring, thoughtless and absolutely horrendous decision. I am appalled. I do not know the reasoning. We are only foster parents and we do not get that sort of information. We are not allowed answers and we are not given the respect of explanations.
These are the reasons we will not be returning to the foster care system as foster parents.

A LOT of caps....it's THAT kind of post!

Is it a coincidence that social services closed lovebug's case last friday and NOW mom has decided to take off to grand junction with lovebug for the summer? I think NOT! She has no reason to stay here now, she has no one watching her and she has no one to answer to, she has NO support.
You would never guess from this post but I am surprisingly calm right now. Biomom claims to want lovebug for the summer and then would like to bring her back to us for the school year. That's a BIG 'we'll see'. She has not followed through with anything else she has said so i seriously don't believe this one! I am so sad but I understand. I DON'T KNOW HOW. I empathize. I DON'T KNOW HOW. I am not angry with her. I DON'T KNOW HOW. I just know that it takes a VERY strong, well-supported and clear-minded person to be able to give their child up, to hand over custody.(or a parent who has no connection to their child) Biomom is NONE of these things. She is alone. She has no support. She loves lovebug. She really does. I honestly don't believe lovebug will be in any physical danger. I honestly believe that biomom will keep lovebug safe. It won't be MY safe, but i do believe she will be safe. They are going to be staying with biomom's sister. They will have some support. Biomom just doesn't have it in her to leave lovebug.
I will tell you who i AM angry with: social services
I can't believe they closed the case. RIGHT when biomom was close to making a decision. RIGHT when biomom needed the most support. RIGHT when lovebug was so close to getting some stability. They keep this f$&*ing case open for close to 3 years and NOW they decide they HAVE to close? REALLY?!?! Mom is at her most vulnerable. She lost her boyfriend. She lost her home. She lost her kids(he refuses to let her see them). She doesn't speak to most of her family, including her mom. She is diagnosed depressed. The case has been open 2 years 10 months but NOW is the time to close the case. Not 1 year ago when mom had lovebug 3 months and everything was fine. Not 9 months ago when mom had lovebug 6 months and all was fine. Not 6 months ago when mom had her baby and everything was fine. NOOOO! They waited till ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING had fallen apart in biomom's life and THEN they decided, this is the moment we NEED to close the case. SERIOUSLY?!?!? I am so incredibly angry with them for the way this case has been handled. I am disgusted that somehow OUR little girl is the one left to deal with the consequences. They will move on to the next case, another kid, another family. THEY will not be losing sleep at night wondering how lovebug is doing. THEIR job is done.
I know social services CLAIMS to be there to protect the rights of children. THEY ARE NOT! I cannot tell you how many caseworkers/social services professionals who have told me what a strange and messed up case we have had with lovebug. They just can't believe the amount of time it has taken. They cannot believe the back and forth we have had to deal with. I am tired. I am DONE with social services. I don't want to do this again. I'm DONE jumping through hoops for an agency who treats us like shit and then leaves us to pick up the pieces of their case. Not again. I cannot wait till the boy's adoption goes through and we can JUST BE DONE.

staying overnight

Lovebug's mom had a great time with lovebug at the boulder creek festival. We all had a great time but i think it was a special day for lovebug's mom. She is alone right now. She is not with her boyfriend. Her oldest son is with her mom. Lovebug is with us. Her younger two are with her boyfriend and his family. She is living with a friend who, due to his work, is never home. She has been diagnosed with depression and i am not sure if she is taking her medication regularly. She is lonely, has no money and not much going on.
When we were at the festival, biomom told lovebug that she had a swimming pool at her apt. complex. Lovebug was so excited to hear this and immediately told biomom she wanted to live with her. UGH! Then biomom told her she could come stay the night sometime. Okay. So mom called the next day(yesterday) and said she wanted lovebug to spend the night and she wanted to pick her up in a couple of hours. Of course we had no choice and packed a bag for her to go.
Let me tell you, i had to pack EVERYTHING! I packed her clothes, pajamas and a swimsuit. Biomom asked me to send some toys because she didn't have any(i packed very few toys)and then called back a little later and asked if she could use a carseat because she didn't have one! REalLy?!?!? I felt like i should pack her some food too(i did not), just to be sure lovebug had enough to eat.
So biomom texted me a photo of lovebug by the pool yesterday about 1:00. If you remember, the weather yesterday was cool and windy, definitely not what i would consider swimming weather. hmmmm...maybe i'm just too overprotective. Maybe boulder's weather was significantly different than here - doubt it!
I asked biomom when she would bring lovebug home and she said she would see when lovebug wanted to come home. I called her today and biomom said they were having a good time and i asked when she was bringing lovebug home. She asked lovebug if she wanted to come home or if she wanted to stay another night and it sounded to me like lovebug said she wanted to come home. Biomom said that lovebug was having a hard time making a decision and she would call me about 3:00 after they went swimming and took a nap. I was so nervous.
Well, biomom called about 1:00 and said that they had just finished swimming and lovebug asked if we were there yet, mom asked who? and she said lisa and brian. So she was calling to let us know that lovebug was ready to come home. Biomom said she didn't have a ride till later in the afternoon and i offered to pick up lovebug or they could wait till she had a ride. She asked lovebug and she said she wanted to come home now. YEAH!! So off brian went to picke her up.
What a horrible night. I was so stressed, nervous and worried. I didn't know if she would come home. Apparently biomom can't make decisions. So our lives are all left to the will of a 3 year old. Seriously?!?!
Brian called me and said that he was going to stop and get her something to eat. Sounds like she hasn't eaten since breakfast. It was 2:15 when he called(maybe i should have packed food!)
I really hope biomom realizes she cannot take care of lovebug. She doesn't have the resources and i just don't feel she has the patience or ability. She has no clothes for her, no car seat, no toys, no bed, no toothbrush, no shoes, no hairties, hairbrush, food........... I could go on and on. I know she loves lovebug but sometimes love is JUST NOT ENOUGH! She doesn't have the support of family, she has no car and she is done with the only help she was getting - social services closed her case last friday and we are done dealing with them as far as lovebug goes. (a whole other post!!!) She doesn't have the type of personality to make and keep appointments, she can't seem to follow through with paperwork and she doesn't like to make decisions. I don't see her being able to get a place, job, child care or any other basics she needs to keep lovebug safe.
We'll see when we get another call asking for an overnight. I pray mom will get some papers signed soon. It can't go on like this much longer. can it?

festival of emotions

Interesting day
We all went to the boulder creek festival. Love it, super fun, lots to do, interesting people(it's boulder), good food, fun music, cool dancing....needless to say we had a great time! I loooove spending time in boulder and i always have a good time when we go. I called lovebug's mom last night and asked her if she wanted to meet us there and she took us up on the offer. She was in denver when i called her this morning, thinking we weren't going till this afternoon. I thought she was going to flake out on us, but she hustled and met us there about a half hour after we got there. I was happy to see her make an effort. Lovebug knew since the night before that her mom was going to meet us so she was super excited. She would have been heartbroken and confused if her mom did not show up. She spent the whole time with us, about 4 hours. It was a nice time overall.


Now, how did this make me feel?

confused.

I was happy. So happy that lovebug had the opportunity to see her mom, she hasn't seen her since easter. She was so excited and i could see lovebug's happiness. I was thankful. It helps her to see her mom, to know that she is safe and okay. We dropped her mom off at the place she is staying and lovebug got to see where her mom lives. I think it is something she has wondered about and was worried about, not knowing where her mom was living. I was nervous. I wouldn't let them out of my sight. I just couldn't help but think, in the back of my mind, she was going to get lost in the crowd, holding lovebug's hand and then they would be gone. forever. I was scared. I was waiting for her to say, any minute, i'd like lovebug to come live with me again. I don't EVER want to hear those words. There is nothing we can do if we do hear those words, we would just have to let her go. I was sad. It is sad to see lovebug's mom and know that she loves lovebug soooo much and to see lovebug and know that she loves her mom soooo much and yet they are not able to be together; not because anyone has ordered this, no courts, no caseworker but simply because her mom doesn't know how to take care of her and has chosen to let her live with us (for how long? i don't know). I was anxious. I tried to let lovebug's mom 'mother' lovebug. I tried to step back and be in the background. It was hard to do but i cannot tell you how thankful i am to be able to 'mother' lovebug everyday for the last 3 months and i was willing to give her mom 4 hours. I about dropped my ice cream when i heard lovebug tell her mom 'i want to live with you', after her mom told her she had a swimming pool at the apt. complex. I could hear lovebug's confusion when she called me mommy. mommy lisa. and she called her mom, mommy. jessica. mommy jessica. Not sure what to call us, not sure who to call mommy.
I love that girl with all my heart. She is a brave and strong girl. I wish she didn't have so much confusion going on in her life. I cannot imagine how confusing the day was for her. I continue to pray her mom will have the love, maturity and strength to let lovebug go, i pray lovebug will receive the gift of stability soon. I hope her mom will see our sincerity, our honesty and learn to trust us in the near future.

the power of words

Lovebug tells me 'I don't want to play with banana, he makes me annerious'. I had no idea what she was trying to say. She was pretty adamant about it and i asked her why don't you want to play with banana? 'He makes me annerious.' He makes you nervous? 'no, annerious'. Still i had no clue! Again - he makes you delirious? 'Yes, I don't want to play with banana, he makes me delirious!' I laughed so hard. This girl cracks me up! She is so full of language and words and she remembers EVERYTHING she hears and sees. I continued the conversation with her, asking her why banana makes her delirious. She laughed and then she said not delirious. 'I don't want to play with banana because he makes me annerious'. I again said nervous? 'No mommy. Look at me, saaaaaaay an-ner-i-ous'. Once again i couldn't help myself and i burst out laughing. She picks up on all i do. I do that to banana and turtle, trying to get them to say a word. Obviously i wasn't saying the word she wanted me to say. I still have no idea what word she was trying to say! She was pretty sure that annerious was the word she needed to be using and i guess banana makes her feel annerious and feeling annerious is not a good thing because that is the reason she could NOT play in his room! Haha, she is a funny girl, strong willed but funny!

I was trying to get her to play in banana's room because we had a speech therapist here to do an assessment on turtle and they needed some quiet time to do the testing. I had this conversation with lovebug and then i sat down on the sofa to (inconspicuously) watch turtle and his therapist do the testing. It was so strange to experience such obvious and opposite experiences so close together. I just want my little guy to have those words that come so easily to gee and lovebug. He gives up so quickly, knowing the way he says 'cup' doesn't sound anything like 'cup'. It was a 30 minute test and he just didn't have the attention span, i feel like he just gives up. He knows that we can't understand his words, so why try? Makes me so sad for him. He tries and tries, and he lasted for a good 15 minutes but i can see him lose his confidence. The anticipation of playing with someone new loses it's appeal once he realizes it is just a lot of work and i can see he is embarrassed by the way he talks. :( He covers his mouth and looks down when speaking. The therapist had to keep asking him to look up and move his hands. I want to cry for him. It makes me want to rescue him and speak the words for him. He understands everything, he knows exactly what he wants to say. He just cannot get his mouth to say the words that are there in his head. It is so hard to watch.
I hope one day in the near future he will be able to talk like gee and lovebug, spouting off big words. Making me laugh with his attempts at complicated words and trying to repeat adults.

mars vs. venus? well, not really but something like it

I love the differences between boys and girls! It is amazing to watch them and see how their minds work.
I brought home TONS of clothes this weekend from the consignment sale. Super cute summer clothes for all 4 kids. I walked in the door and they were all super excited. Are those for us? Oh, thank-you mommy. I am so happy. The boys looked at them for a minute or so and then headed back upstairs, loving the fact that i bought them clothes and knowing that i care enough to bring them home something. Lovebug spent over 30 minutes looking at each piece of clothing exclaiming 'i love this', 'how cute!', 'oh mommy, this is beautiful'. She squealed, exclaimed, ooh'd and aah'd over every piece of clothing and proceeded to plan out her outfit for the next day. My, my, my, i am going to be in trouble!
I go to bingo every sunday evening with my mom. The kids know this every week and yet my two clingy boys (gee and banana) cry EVERY time. They are fine when i leave. They give me kisses, hugs and say bye. Then about an hour or so later they both start crying because they miss me! They are so funny and it is just like a boy to be all brave when saying goodbye and then crying later when they just can't keep it in any longer. On the other hand, lovebug clings, whines and doesn't want me to leave but as soon as i'm gone - she's just fine! It's her way of letting me know she doesn't want me to leave and also making me feel bad for leaving her. She's making a statement!
My boys have definite opinions but boy, oh boy lovebug rules the roost! She likes to boss them around - AND THEY LISTEN! She chooses who gets to sit next to her during mealtime. She chooses who gets to play in her room. She lets them know exactly what she is thinking and what she wants. Oh my!
My boys love, love, love hugs and kisses and being held and all the affection. They could sit forever with me. They crave that affection and they are so loving. They are so sweet and they just want to be loved and to FEEL the love. Lovebug loves hugs and kisses too but only when she wants them. She knows we love her and she definitely doesn't require the reassurance. She likes to be up and moving and it is a special treat for me when she will sit and let me hug and snuggle her.
In an ideal world, my boys would love for me to do everything for them. I would dress them. I would make their beds. I would clean their rooms, brush their teeth, wipe their booty and feed them if i'd just get on board with their idea of utopia! Lovebug's ideal world would be a place where she could do it ALL herself! She's ready to cook, clean and rule the world. She wants to do it herself because then it would be done the way she wants it done. (so much like me!)haha!
Oh, how i love the differences between my boys and my girl. They keep me laughing and shaking my head in disbelief! I am so grateful for the opportunity to mother all 4 of these children and to experience the world through their eyes.

i get my snuggles when i can

My little lovebug is not feeling good today. She woke up and all she wanted to do was sit in my lap and then we had a moment when i thought she was going to get sick. At that point i decided i was not going to take the boys to school and we were all going to just stay home. If you've ever had a child get sick in your car while your driving you understand. It is the worst. Not being able to pull over fast enough, not being able to hold them, help them and then having to get them out of their carseat! I was not going to risk it. We stayed home and lovebug spent her day watching movies on the couch, a testament to how bad she was feeling. And when she is sick she also loves to cuddle and snuggle and let me hold her and she wants to be right by my side and she lets me love on her. So as much as i hate her being sick and not feeling good there is this very small part of me that cherishes and enjoys the snuggle time.(okay, so maybe not VERY small!) Hmmmmm.....is that really as bad as it sounds?

a reason to celebrate

What a wonderful weekend. Yes. Weekend. My husband did great this year. I spent the day shopping yesterday. My favorite thing. Just me. It was wonderful. Bought a new purse, an outfit and some shoes. Wooohooo! Took all my willpower to stay out of the children's sections, but i didn't buy anything for the kids. My friend melissa came over and watched the kids and brian and i headed out for a much deserved night out. We went to olive garden for dinner and then we went for a stroll on pearl street. Woke up this morning and received the most wonderful bouquet of flowers from brian and the kids. We had breakfast out, all of us with my mom :) I spent the rest of the day relaxing and then i went to play bingo with my mom. It was an amazing day.
It was the best mother's day EVER! I have spent so many mother's days feeling sad and left out, mourning losses and feeling sorry for myself. This was an extraordinary way to spend my first mother's day with a full house. I don't know for sure, with one hundred percent certainty that i will have all 4 of these kids in my home next year for mother's day but i do know that i have them now. I have cared for them, i take care of their owies, kiss them goodnight, i read them stories, i love them. I am thankful that my husband has recognized my efforts and appreciates all i do enough to treat me to a wonderful ME weekend! I am grateful that he has taken the time to help teach our children the importance of recognizing and appreciating me. I hope they learn this lesson well!lol He sat down with the kids and they all made me a flower with their picture on it, colored it and worked hard on making me a gift. SPLENDID. WONDERFUL. LOVELY. TREMENDOUS.

i'm not insane, i just have 4 kids

'The way I see it, if you have four kids, you don't really have to do anything else, ever. Three kids is a handful, but one that many people manage to hold. If you're a mother of four, you definitely don't have to have a career or volunteer for the school fund-raiser or even bring an appetizer to the dinner party. In fact, people give you a lot of credit for wearing both earrings and knowing how to spell chaos and antidepressant. Four kids gives you a pass for every forgotten birthday, overlooked appointment, and missing form. Plus, you can be late for everything the rest of your life and never return phone calls. Who's gonna blame you? It's like having nonthreatening cancer, forever.'

excerpt from 'The Middle Place' by Kelly Corrigan

This is how i feel this week. I have 2 to 3 appointments every day this week. I am so incredibly busy and every time i show up at an appointment i am missing a form, a kid is throwing a fit or i am rushing in the door just in the nick of time. Everyone just smiles and gives me a look like they are surprised that i am speaking in complete sentences and impressed with my ability to dress myself! I am a perfectionist and i hate being late and i hate missing forms. It drives me crazy but i could definitely get used to using the 'i have 4 kids excuse'. I am learning to manage my time and i hope i will learn how to organize all the forms but until then, i will happily accept the busy mom excuse!

same old post, different day

No answers, no end in sight. Caseworker says there is nothing they can do right now. We are considered kinship and their only concern is that the child is okay.
She is with us, she is okay.
Caseworker is communicating with her supervisor and the county attorney and they say there is nothing they can do. According to them:
All's good.
No one cares that she is not getting the therapy she needs. No one cares if this is only temporary. No one cares that this could end any second. No one else is at home waiting for the phone to ring or the knock on the door. No one is as scared as i am that mom will say i'm here to get lovebug, see ya! No one else knows how i am on edge every second of the day just waiting for those words, knowing there is nothing i can do. No one knows how hard it will be for me to watch our lovebug leave our house once again. No one sees our lovebug's scared face and apprehension every time i ask her if she wants to talk to dada(mom's ex boyfriend) or mom. No one else hears her ask "i'm staying here, right?" No one else sees her relief knowing she is staying. Maybe they know, but they don't care. Maybe they know, but they can't do anything. Maybe they do know. Maybe. I feel like no one knows how i feel. I feel like there is no one else in the world who knows what i am going through.

I feel like people are tired of hearing about it, as much as i am tired of living it.

Every week i keep thinking something has to happen, a decision has to be made and every friday i get a call from the caseworker saying that they haven't heard from mom, there's nothing we can do. There is nothing they can do. Soooo.......we wait.

it's not a cage, it's the rules! honestly!

According to the human services certification foster care rules we have to have a baby gate on the stairs as long as there is a child under 3. Seriously? So banana doesn't turn 3 till the end of july. Ugh! So last time the caseworker was here she said we needed to have the baby gates on the stairs - at least on the days she comes to visit(humor me, she said).
Needless to say we had the baby gates up yesterday when the caseworker came by. My poor kids look like they are jailed in at the top of the stairs. I have a 5 year old behind a baby gate, for goodness sakes! They look so silly up there and i feel like those horrible people you hear about on oprah who cage up their kids!


Now i have a confession, i must tell you, oh believe me when i say there are days I want to use that gate all day! There are days when i am tired of answering questions, tired of coloring, tired of cleaning up playdough, tired of wiping noses, etc., etc.

There are days i want to put up that baby gate and tell the kids and brian: "It's the rules! Human services, certification, foster care rules! and the gate is staying up!"

eat, pray, love

No news
Hoping
Tired
Praying
Needing answers
Patience
Frustrated
Begging
Anger
Exhausted
Sad
Please

Okay, so these are the thoughts that run through my head over and over........all day. Oh yeah, i also hear myself: I'm a mommy on the edge!(said in donkeys voice from shrek) Somehow this cracks me up every time i hear it in my head. It makes me laugh and stops the aforementioned thoughts for a minute or so. (yes, i do talk to myself quite often throughout my day)
I just wish we could have some direction. It is my need to have control of every situation. I am trying to release that control. I am trying to find that place of acceptance and peace. The place in my mind and soul where i can be patient and let what will happen...happen. It is hard for me, i don't like the unknown. I appreciate plans, order, i like to know what to expect. I am trying to keep busy, keep my mind off of it. I know this is not the healthy way to deal with it. I can't stay busy all the time and i am wearing myself out trying. I do have quiet time. During those moments of silence (naptime), i am exploring some meditation exercises. It will take awhile for me to get to the place where i can sit for any period of time and actually meditate. I feel like julia roberts in the movie eat, pray, love when she is in the meditation room trying to clear her mind of thoughts and she looks up at the clock and a minute has gone by! That's me!

So anyway, we have no new news. We are still waiting for answers and we are still waiting for the phone to ring. Until then......

i will continue to work on just being and letting it be.

my phone isn't ringing

I am so incredibly frustrated. I keep waiting for a phone call that never comes. Still nothing today and the deadline was friday. How long are they going to give lovebug's mom to make a decision?
I spend all day waiting for a phone call and then i have to call and leave a message with the caseworker. She calls me back close to 6 and seems too busy to talk. I understand she has a full caseload but this is the most important case to me.
It is horrible waiting for a call and a decision. Friday i was told that they were giving mom till today and the caseworker said she would call me. Now the caseworker said she will call me tomorrow. I am a mess waiting for my phone to ring. It is the call that will let lovebug stay with us or it will be the call that will send her back home to her mom.
I am on edge. I feel physically sick - my stomach hurts, my head hurts and i can't sit still. My mind is racing with the possibilities and prayers constantly ALL DAY!
Every time my phone rings my stomach drops to the floor and my blood runs cold. I am so scared......but i need to know.

Harper, a dog like no other

My brother juan was going to put his dog down today but they have decided to try meds for awhile instead. I am thankful and hope that the meds will work for harper. They live in north carolina and i have not seen harper since they moved there about 6 years ago(although i have skyped with him!)
I remember when my brother got harper, he was such a cute puppy and he grew into an amazing, happy and loving dog. He lived with my mom for a few months and we got to know him and love him. My brother was kind enough to share him with all of us and he really became an important part of all of our lives. He is a beautiful chocolate lab. We all spoiled him and when they moved away i remember missing harper terribly. I could talk to my brother and jenn, i could talk to the kids. They came out to visit us, but i don't get to see harper.
I remember the first christmas my brother was determined to buy harper this giant tennis ball, i think the thing cost 50 bucks. The ball rolled out of the box and hit harper in the nose and scared the crap out of him! He refused to play with it.
My brother and his wife met because of harper. Her family grew up with labs and she approached juan to say hi to harper and that was that.
Harper is an amazing dog, friend and an important part of our family. I am hopeful that the meds will work for him and he will be around for a few more years.

Good luck old dog, we love you!

i can breath again

SHE'S HOME!!! YEAH!

We will see what we hear today. I'm assuming nothing because she has till the end of the week to contact us, so we will probably hear something next week. (hopefully)

tomorrow, a decision?

No idea what is going on with lovebug's mom! Supposed to have a decision made this week but nothing yet. We will see how long social services lets her slide this time. I am so frustrated! Mom acts like she has no idea what is expected of her and i did talk to her today but she played dumb, saying she didn't know why the caseworker said she would call me this week. grrrr. She said she had a stressful week, missed her therapy and was going to try and get on track next week. seriously?! This cannot continue to go on like this. We need answers and we need a decision. So anyway, she called because the ex boyfriend wanted to have lovebug for an overnight tonight and i had to have her permission to let lovebug go. After close to 12 phone calls back and forth between ex boyfriend, mom and the caseworker, it was decided that lovebug would go for an overnight tonight. Ex boyfriend picked her up at about noon and said that he was picking up lovebug's mom. She was going to join them at his parents house, they live in the mountains and he wanted to take the kids sledding.

My biggest fear: they will not bring lovebug back! I am missing her soooo much and my house seems so quiet without her here.....

the little things make the biggest impact

Today is turtle's birthday. We(gee, lovebug and i) woke up turtle singing happy birthday to him. Brian made him waffles with strawberries...yummy! with lots of whipped cream and we sang happy birthday again and he blew out his candle.(actually banana blew out his candle the first time so we had to relight it) Lovebug, banana and i took cupcakes to turtle at school and they sung happy birthday........AGAIN! He was able to choose the dinner menu. We ate hot dogs for dinner :) We had a small cake and cupcakes, he was able to blow out the candles again and one last singing of happy birthday. He absolutely LOVED his birthday and his face has been in a constant smile. He can get shy and it is just sooooo cute. I love that we have been able to give him such a wonderful day. At the end of this night, we were getting ready for bed and he gave brian a big hug and said thank you and then he gave me a big hug and said thank you. It was wonderful and it surprised me. I am so proud of him, it is such a grown up thing to do for a 4 year old. Something i didn't know he had in him.

We are not doing the great big birthday party like we did for gee. We have decided with 4 kids (whether or not lovebug is living with us, we will still have the opportunity to celebrate her birthday) we cannot afford to throw a big bash every year for each kid. We are going to celebrate as a family with a special day and on the 'big' birthdays we will throw a big party with everyone invited. That would be the 5th year, the 10th year, the 13th year, the 16th year and the 18th. It will make it special and it will allow me to plan a big, fun party without feeling overwhelmed.

I hope our kids will grow up and appreciate the way we celebrated their birthdays. I hope that giving them more of the attention and love through food, song and special little things will help them to appreciate the big parties they will get every few years. I hope they will learn to appreciate the simpler things in life. They will realize that the big gifts, the over-abundance of gifts, big parties full sweets, games and all the commotion that go with the parties are the exception. I don't want spoiled kids who EXPECT the big things. I want them to realize how special they are to me and that they are worth more to me than money. And by showing them love with little, simple gifts and special times, they will appreciate themselves for who they are and not by what they can give materially. That's what it is all about isn't it? Building their self esteem and helping them to realize they are important, special and amazing - no matter the amount of money they make, what kind of house they live in or kind of car they drive. I want them to learn the value of giving from the heart, not the pocketbook.

I love birthdays and the opportunity for creativity is enormous. I hope i will be able to make each of my kids feel special and loved. I hope they will love their birthdays and have wonderful memories that they will share with their own children one day.

a family's loss

I have not always been a stay at home mom. I used to work at bright horizons child care center in the 2.5 - 3 year old classroom. It was a job i loved (and hated). I loved the kids and i had this one little girl in my class, she is a cutie and took fooreeveer to potty train. I think i had this little girl in my class close to 2 years and needless to say i grew to love her and her family. Her grandma would do a lot of the drop offs and pick ups and she is a wonderful lady who was always kind and would hang out in our classroom and watch the kids play and visit with me. The little girls mom travelled a lot and would come in once in awhile, she is a funny lady who had great stories and could talk your ear off. The family ALWAYS came to any classroom parties. The mom, dad and younger brother. What a wonderful family.

I just found out that the little girl's younger brother drowned this saturday. I am so incredibly sad. He was such a cutie, looked exactly like his sister. He was ALL boy! He was full of life and boy did that kid keep his mom and grandma on their toes!

I am so sad for the family. I can't imagine that kind of pain and sadness. I can't imagine the kind of strength it takes to get through something like this. I remember how close the two kids were with each other. You could see right away that those two were best friends! It is amazing the bond that siblings can have and i am so sad for that little girl....losing her baby brother and best friend. I am overwhelmed with sadness.

still waiting

This waiting game is crazy!

Lovebug's mom called me on friday and had no answers for me. She has a lot going on......her and her boyfriend broke up so i am not sure where she is living now. She is meeting with a new therapist on monday and she said she had several other appointments set up for next week. She said she would call me the beginning of next week and let us know what is going on.

I have many hopes. Lovebug's mom has not made plans to pick up lovebug yet. She has not mentioned to me anything about how much longer lovebug will be with us. She told lovebug she would bring the baby by sometime next week to see her. This all points to the idea that at least she has not made a decision yet.

Please keep praying for our lovebug, she told me today 'Mommy, I want to live with you forever'. I hope this will happen!

we need prayers and a miracle

I am losing it! on the inside! my nerves are on edge! I can't sit still! I need answers! My mind is racing!

Lovebug's mom is being released tomorrow. She is supposed to be calling me and letting us know what the plan is......

Prayers! Prayers! Prayers!

I pray she will let our lovebug stay with us, let us raise her. I pray she will see how much lovebug just FITS into our family and let her stay with us. I pray she sees lovebug's desire to live with us and her need for a stable home. I pray she can use all that love she has for lovebug to give her the strength to do the best thing for lovebug.

I believe in miracles!

my friend, Loretta

I have had my friend loretta on my mind lately. I love that girl! She is amazing and i haven't talked to her in awhile. She is a great friend and she moved to south dakota too many years ago! We are great friends and i feel like we are complete opposites in so many ways. She is one of those people who can(and does) talk to anybody. She is funny, friendly, loving and full of life. When she walks in a room, the party starts. She is everything i have never been. She's a talker, i'm a listener. She has been my friend for over 10 years now, i've known her for probably close to 15. We do have some things in common. She has a wonderful family who means the world to her. She is one of those people who tries to save everyone around her and all she meets. She wants to make the world a better place. She has an amazing faith. We met at work and through a mutual friend but grew closer through our relationship we developed through church. We went to rome and paris together(with 100other people from our church) and our friendship really grew after that. She is a beautiful person, inside and out.

I did not truly find myself until i met her. I don't think i have ever told her this, like i said - i'm a listener. I love her for so many things but most especially, i love her for that. I hope she will not hate me for what i am about to say but it explains why she helped me so much. Loretta used to be plus size. She was the first person i ever met that was plus size, beautiful and confident. It was like her beauty from the inside shined through and she was just beautiful, people were attracted to her beauty, confidence and ability to make them feel good about themselves. Before i met loretta i had this super long hair, glasses and never wore make up. I didn't feel pretty and it definitely showed, pair that with my shyness and quietness and i was a lonely girl. I just didn't understand who i was. I didn't see my beauty. Then i saw loretta and how she was so beautiful and she just had this way of making me feel important and beautiful too. I know now how much she hated being overweight and she didn't feel as confident as she put out there but at that time she was a ray of light to me. I was a moth attracted to her and i couldn't get enough of her. I found my confidence with her help and i found my beauty. I cut my hair, started wearing contacts and make up. It was an amazing transformation. I felt beautiful and it showed. I don't know if i would have found my beauty without loretta, she is incredible and saved me in so many ways. Our song became bette midler's 'I'm beautiful'. I remember singing our hearts out to that song!lol dancing around and laughing! Boy do i miss her.

Loretta was my matron of honor at my wedding. I couldn't have had anyone else but her. I don't think i could have met and married brian without learning to love and appreciate myself first and she is the one who helped me to do that. I found my confidence and my beauty and within a year i had met brian. I can see my beauty now and i love me just the way i am and i have a loving and wonderful husband who loves me too. I have some of the most amazing friends and family in the world and one special friend who has helped me to live a better life. We have had our rough patches but i can't imagine a life without loretta as my friend.

How lucky can one person get?

some things cannot be shared

All three of the boys are in play therapy. I love it, and i feel like they benefit from the time they spend. Our lovebug went when she was with us and it helped her tremendously and she misses it....a lot. The boys all have their own therapist, when we started they had a couple of interns and they decided to have them work with the two older boys. Banana has the same therapist that our lovebug had, jojo. She is not an intern and she is an amazing therapist, lovebug loved her and still asks about her. Banana doesn't talk very much and he doesn't seem to have the attachment to jojo that the other kids all have with their therapists. This has not been a problem yet, having banana with the same therapist that lovebug had. Having an intern as a therapist is not ideal because they are temporary and they are likely to get a job and move on, leaving us to find another therapist. Well, this is what has happened. We have to find another therapist for gee. The therapists have recommended that we now use jojo for gee also. I cannot let this happen. I love jojo and think she is a great therapist and i also know that they are suggesting what they feel is the best thing for gee. It is their job....do what is best for the kids in their care. But i have to do the best for the kids in my care also. I don't have just gee to think about, i have to consider what is best for gee, lovebug, turtle and banana. I can't do that to lovebug, she has lost too much. She is already so jealous and angry with the boys for taking what she felt was hers. It is not going to help their relationship if she hears him talking about going to see jojo and she can't go, and believe me, gee talks! It will be another loss and something else to blame on the boys. I CANNOT do that to her and it would also not be good for gee. He grows attached too and i feel like he needs his own therapist, someone he doesn't have to share. I can't help but feel judged. I have told them twice that i don't feel like this is a good idea and they keep bringing it up like they didn't even hear me. I feel like if they had the best interest of the boys in mind when we started, they would have never given them interns. They are worried about the loss and transition. hmmmm......... doesn't seem to make sense to give these kids to interns, people learning and looking for jobs.

Gee has 3 sessions left with his therapist now and finally today his therapist has decided to listen to me 'of course i understand, that makes sense. It's your decision and it seems to be the best one.' Really?! I guess it takes saying it 3 times to be understood! So now she will try and set up this other therapist for gee....finally.

a month later

Here we are a month later and as most of you may know.......we have had our lovebug this whole month! That's right, she has been here at our house, living, loving, playing and enjoying herself. Her mom finally called and let us know that she had admitted herself to a place, she is being treated for post-partum depression. It makes a lot of sense and i knew something was going on. I just assumed it was drugs. I am happy that she is getting help. Having said that, there is a part of me that wishes it would have been something that would have made this whole situation easier...for all of us. something that would force social services to take our lovebug away.....that is not the case. Any decision that would keep lovebug in our home will have to come from her mom. I am praying every second of every day that this is the decision that her mom makes. I know she is considering it. I pray that she can see past her needs and do what is best for lovebug. Our lovebug wants to stay with us so badly. She feels safe and she is doing great. Her mom called yesterday and i asked if she wanted to talk to her, the first thing she says before she answers me is 'am i staying here'. i told her yes, she was staying here and she got happy and was excited to talk to her mom. I know she loves her mom but she doesn't want to live there, she wants to stay with us. She says it. I feel bad for her mom because i know that this time it was not her fault. She could not control the fact that she could not function and take care of her kids because of the post-partum depression. She had to get help and she needed to do this but this is not something that lovebug understands. Unfortunately her mom did not make good choices in the past and now this is the second time that lovebug has been away from her mom for a significant amount of time. She is going to be devastated if she has to leave us again.
Mom is getting out this week, maybe. We will see what she is planning on doing. I hope she can make the right decision for our lovebug. I am thankful that we are able to talk to each other. I feel like we could have a really good relationship. We'll see what the next few months bring our way.

a happy post

We met with turtle's teacher and speech therapist, they could not say enough about how amazed they were with his progress! It looked like they were both ready to cry a couple of times during the meeting and i am so excited for turtle. He has made huge strides in the last month and they have seen him just blossom in class. He is involved and tries and listens and understands.... It's all the stuff i see at home, he understands, he just needs help to form the words to let people know what he wants. I am excited to hear all of this. I am not with him at school so it is hard for me to see what it is he is doing everyday and what they are doing with him to help him to form his words. It was great to have this meeting and set new goals for his next year. I am happy that turtle is doing so well. I can understand most of what he says but he shuts down quick when i ask him to repeat things. He is getting better at it and i know he will just continue to improve with time and the more he feels secure and safe.

St. Patrick's Day sadness

March 17th. St. Patrick's Day. March 17th, 1977. The day my dad died. It is a rough day for me, every year. Here we are 34 years later and i sit here blogging and crying. Some years are harder than others. I definitely don't feel the sadness as often or as strongly as i used to. Time does heal. I was 5 years old and i don't remember being told that my dad died. I don't remember that moment, the conversation. I remember bits and pieces of the funeral. I remember feeling scared and lost, not knowing what was really going on. I remember my mom fainting and being scared she was going to 'die' too.

I really don't have any memories of my dad. I don't remember my life with him. My memories start after he died. It makes me sad to know that i don't have those memories, those moments to look back on and say 'that was my dad'. When i think of my dad, i think of loss, sadness and a headstone in a cemetery.

My dad died from a 'single gunshot wound to the head'. I remember reading that on his death certificate. I read over that death certificate so many times. I can still remember the exact wording. I long for any information. I search for it, i yearn for it. Still to this day, i wish i had more information. I want to know EXACTLY what happened. I want details. I am not sure why i feel the need for this kind of information. No one is willing to talk to me about the details. No one will give me the name of the man who shot my dad. Boy then (16 years old), man now. Reporting on murders has changed drastically in 30 years. I have found 2 very short articles on my dad's death.

I know the general story. I know the story from my childhood. It is the story i was told, who knows if i even remember the story the right way. I don't know if i have added or omitted details.

My dad was at a bar with friends. He helped to kick out some guys that were underage. When he came out to his car, he found it vandalised. My dad and a few friends went to the house to confront the guys they thought vandalised his car (the guys kicked out the bar). My dad was shot by someone from inside the house, as he was walking up to the front door. a gunshot wound to the head. A 16 year old boy confessed and got off on self defense.

My question is: Did the 16 year old really shoot my dad? Was it someone else in that house? Does he think about the 24 year old man he shot? Does he think about the 24 year old's pregnant widow? Does he think about the 3 year old boy and 5 year old girl left without a dad? Does it haunt him? or is he a killer that has killed again. Has he gone on with his life and built a home with a family. Is he in a gang? prison? grandfather? happy? Is he all those things my dad never could be?

I miss my dad. I miss who he could have been. I am sad that i never got to know him. I am sad that my kids will never know him. I have no stories to give them about my dad. I don't have those memories to give them. I talk to my dad often, i just wish he could answer me.

beyond devastation

I can't even watch the news. It is so depressing. The videos from japan are heartbreaking and it seriously makes me cry every time i see any footage of the devastation. My friend tomomi lives in tokyo, japan with her husband, ryuichi and 3 month old baby kaito. They are doing fine from what she has said but i don't know how bad it is right now. The day after the disaster the stores were already running low on food and now they are low on gas and having electrical outages. I pray that she has enough food and water, formula for her baby. I am scared for not only her welfare but especially the welfare of her baby with the radiation starting to reach tokyo. She is thankful that they have not had the devastation and loss of life that north japan received and i can tell she is trying to stay optimistic. Please pray for my friend, her family and all the people of japan.

i can't make this stuff up

Okay, so i'm really freaking out inside and trying to stay as calm and normal as i can. Our love bug's mom had a family emergency (her 1 year old niece died)and we have had lovebug for 9 days now. So we picked her up on friday (3/4)and her mom called us on sunday (3/6) asking us if we could keep her a few extra days. I said of course and then i did not hear from her again till tuesday morning, she called to see how lovebug was doing and wanted to have our lovebug call her that evening to talk to her. So we called. and called. and called. No answer. Wednesday our lovebug woke up from nap with an ear pain and her eyes were red and draining, so i called her mom and left a message letting her know that our lovebug was not feeling good and needed to go to the doctor and i couldn't take her so she needed to call me soon. She called on thursday (3/10), late afternoon to say that the funeral was not till saturday and if we would keep our lovebug till sunday(3/13). I said of course. She made no mention of the doctor so i told her that isabelle was doing better and didn't need the doctor but if that changed i needed to be able to get hold of her. She needed to answer her phone. she agreed and we left it at that. Well......i got a call from her last night(3/12). There was another death in the family, boyfriends grandpa. She would like me to watch our lovebug for another week or week and a half. She said she was having a real hard time, her sister was having a hard time and it would really help out if i could keep lovebug for a week and a half to 2 weeks. Her other daughter was going to be in daycare, the boyfriend was taking off to maine soon and it would be a great help if i could keep her for 2 weeks. Okay, so now isabelle is staying with us till sunday(3/27). Mom wanted to know if we needed anything, i told her that the only thing we need is a way to get lovebug medical attention in case there is an emergency and we can't get hold of her. She agreed and said she would get me something signed and notarized by today, like a power of attorney or something. I told her i wasn't sure what she needed to sign but i needed something that would allow me to take care of lovebug if we needed to. We'll see if i hear from her today.

Now my mind is going crazy with all these thoughts and ideas. Is she doing drug again? Is she consumed with grief? depressed? exhausted? I don't know what is going on. I know alot has happened in the last month and we have had lovebug for extra days the last two times we have picked her up for visits. I hear things and it makes my mind race. The nanny no longer lives there. Yes, they had a nanny that lived there and did a majority of the care taking when it came to the kids and all the housekeeping and cooking. This nanny, i have discovered has been through drug rehab twice and just turned 21 a couple months ago. The black eye mom had a week ago was from the boyfriend's birth mom?(mom's explanation to me) car accident?(explanation given to caseworker) nanny?(explanation given to me by our lovebug) I have not seen the 4 month old baby since christmas. I mentioned this to the caseworker and she has seen the baby, thank goodness. But i just find it strange that i am there twice a week and haven't seen the baby, and not just the baby but any sign of the baby. No toys, no bouncy seat, no diaper bag. Nothing.

And now i hear that mom is moving to grand junction. WHAT?!?! Is she leaving lovebug with us for 2 weeks so she can go find a place and get things established? Is she taking off without her kids? Can she even do this while there is a case still open? So many questions. No answers.

Seriously.....angry!

I am lucky that i don't have to deal with the family drama like brian does. I feel bad for him, and i'm sure i don't make the situation any better because as soon as he tells me about whats going on....I GO OFF! I'm sure it's not the reaction he's looking for or what he needs at that moment. I just get so angry. He talks to his brother and has to deal with his questions and comments, not me. Sometimes i wish it were me though, i would let him have it and i wouldn't be nice about it either. Seems that the boy's dad and brian's other brother can't seem to get along and like to hurt each other, verbally. The second brother likes to throw the fact that the birth dad doesn't have his kids (and we do) and that he can't see his kids in his face every time they start to argue. Seriously? Leave these poor kids out of your f'ing fights, and if you do want to bring that shit up, i DON'T want to hear about it! It's a low blow and it shows a lack of intelligence. The second brother needs to stop using my kids to help fight his petty arguments. He better not let me hear it, i am a pretty quiet person until you really piss me off....then you'll know it.
So the birth dad then calls and tells brian what the second brother says and is upset because the second brother has told him that he will never see his kids. Again, seriously?! We have told the birth dad - don't believe anything you hear unless it comes from our mouths! again - Don't believe anything unless you hear it from us! Still he calls and has to ask us stupid ass questions like this. Grrrr.....i am so over it. Brian's second brother has no voice in what we decide to do with our boys. Once we adopt the boys, no one will have a thing to say about how we raise, or the decisions we make for the boys. These are our decisions. We have never told the birth dad that he will never see his boys again. We have always told him he will have a role in the boy's lives. He is the birth dad and they will know this and they will know him. However, it is not a good idea right now, they need some time to feel secure in our home and with us before we introduce the birth parents again. I just want to shake him and tattoo this on his chest 'don't believe it unless you hear it from us'.
Then the birth dad has the nerve to express how upset he is that the second brother can come over anytime and see 'his' kids. Well, duh! of course he can come over anytime he wants, of course he can see the boys. He did not fail to care for these boys, he was not the one responsible for their well-being and care. He did not fail to care for these boys and put them through a horrendous, sad and neglectful first years of life! sickening. I am so tired of such selfishness and ignorance. DON'T use these boys as fuel for your arguments and fights. They are done fulfilling your needs.

Then......brian's third brother tells him that we can use his house as a neutral and safe place to meet(us, the boys, birth dad and grandma). Sigh (huge!) It is not about needing a neutral place to meet. The boys need to know that they are going to be living with us.....forever. We are going to be their parents. We are their permanent home. We are their mommy and daddy. They need to know that 'hey kiddo i know you love these people and have spent all this time getting to know them but, hey, your moving to a new home with a new mommy and daddy' is NOT going to happen to them again. They are not going to have to get used to a new set of rules and a new family. It is going to take longer than 6 months and it is taking a lot of therapy and a lot of love and patience. A visit with the birth dad is not an option right now!! It would set us back to the beginning, all that therapy down the drain. All the love and reassurance......gone! We are not going to do that to the boys, and i don't know how to get it through to these good intentioned(?) people. Everything we do, every decision we make is in the best interest of the boys. I don't care how this makes birth dad feel, i don't care how this makes uncle feel, i do care how this makes the boys feel. It is so frustrating. I don't know if these people will ever see these boys as our boys. They will always be the birth dad's boys, that we are raising.

In reality, they WILL be our boys. We WILL adopt them. We WILL be mom and dad and we WILL raise them as our children. That day will come, let's just hope the extended family decides to join us in our reality or else they will be left behind in their own fantasy world of pettiness and anger.

a yard to grow

We have a yard! It has been wonderful and we've actually only taken advantage of it two times. I keep forgetting it's out there, brian is actually the one who has spent time out there and he has sent the boys out there to play. I will admit that i am not much of an outside person. I hate yard work and i hate bugs! (but i LOVE camping)....i know it makes no sense. I used to love being outside, not sure when that changed. I remember spending ALL day outside when i was growing up. Me and my brothers would have to be called in for dinner before we would enter the house.

The boys spent over 2 hours outside on sunday, they had so much fun! Brian had them outside, all bundled up and playing when i came home from the store. It was hard for me to just leave them to play by themselves. I get this crazy guilt like i should be out there supervising and spending my time with them but i just let them play and kept checking on them every few minutes!lol It took me about an hour to be comfortable enough to let them just play and realize that they were fine and safe, our yard is completely secure. It was wonderful to watch them play. It's the kind of play i remember doing and i could see them get comfortable playing by themselves the longer they were out there. Sticks, dirt, running, tree stumps and seeing there imaginations come alive. It was wonderful!

I find it hard to not feel guilty when i MAKE them play by themselves, and when i say make, i mean make! They don't like to play by themselves, even though they have each other to play with. Heaven forbid i separate them and ask them to play by themselves! I know they need reassurance and quality time, i give it to them and we work on colors, numbers, shapes, etc. I just also feel they need to build the relationship with each other. Healthy relationships in a secure and safe home, relationships that aren't made out of necessity but out of play and imagination based on fun and happiness.

I love them so much and want them to experience a great childhood full of play and fun. I remember my best friends growing up were my brothers (i was 12 when my sister was born, we didn't really grow up together). We had sooooo much fun and we are still close and i love that we can get together and just love and joke around together like it was all yesterday. My mom was wonderful and she was a great provider, caretaker and loving shoulder to cry on but she wasn't my favorite playmate. I want them to depend on me for food, shelter and i want to be the shoulder they cry on but i don't want to smother them. I don't want to be there every moment they are playing; directing their play, influencing their choices. I want them to be independent in their play, rely on their own imagination and learn to work out the obstacles that present themselves.

I am so happy to have a back yard, one that is so secure and safe. My boys will be spending a lot of time out there.

a new house

Wow! It's been awhile. We moved last weekend and it's been a little crazy with the move and trying to get onto a schedule. I love the new place, i am so happy to have more room. The oldest has his own room, the other 2 boys share and our lovebug has her own room. My kitchen is bigger than our old place and we have 2 bathrooms....YEAH! We are trying to empty boxes still and it just feels never ending right now, trying to find the perfect space for everything.

Gee loves having his own room and i love that he gets his own space away from his brothers. He needs that time to himself sometimes, he has taken care of them and worried about his brothers for so long. He also depends on those around him to play with him, interact and 'do what he says'. I want him to start getting some independence and self confidence in his own abilities to play and entertain himself.
I think turtle was a little upset the first couple times he had to sleep in the room without gee. He was whiny and a little sad. He is used to having gee there and unfortunately him and banana don't seem to have a very strong bond. They don't play well together and i hope that sharing a room will build their bond and help them to get along with each other more.

Of course our lovebug LOVES her room. She says 'Oh, thank you mommy!' She has done great so far and has been fine sleeping by herself. It is on the lower level and quieter, so she is getting more sleep. She enjoys letting the boys play in her room and it is also nice to have a room to send her to when she needs some space.

Our youngest, banana started speech therapy a few weeks ago. We have had 3 sessions so far and they have been going great. The therapist comes here to our home every tuesday for 45 minutes and banana really seems to enjoy it. I hope this will help him to communicate better.

too much to ask?

Gee had his birthday this last weekend, 5 years old. Birthdays are such a big deal. He had his party on saturday, his actual birthday on sunday, received gifts from his uncle on wednesday and celebrated at school on thursday. Whew! How wonderful to be young and get to celebrate your birthday for days! I am so happy he had such a great birthday and we were able to help him celebrate such a big milestone! Now that i have said that, i am angry at his bio-parents. The bio-parents that every other week call and talk to the boys and in talking to them, remind them of the horrible way they had to spend the first few years of their young lives. The bio-parents, who want photos and information about the boys. They want us to send them pictures of the boys, they want details about their lives and their state of mind, how they are doing, what they are doing. They want us to share all this information with them, they want to continue phone calls with the boys, they'd love to see the boys yet they can't seem to send the boys ONE gift, ONE card, just ONE little thing from them to their child. The boys did not receive one present for christmas, gee did not receive a gift from either bio-parent for his birthday. What the hell? I don't expect them to go out and buy a big gift, i don't expect them to spend money. Send a card, send a picture, make a card, something, anything! I can't imagine not acknowledging our lovebug on her birthday, EVER, for the rest of my life i will send her something on her birthday, for christmas and any other day i feel is a special day.
I can't believe how selfish these bio-parents are, it is not about the boys, it is about what they want, what they need. The bio-mom actually had the nerve to e-mail asking for pictures of gee's birthday party, saying 'since i can't be there for my gee's birthday, could you send me pictures'. Seriously? Of course you can't be here for gee's birthday. You are not allowed to see gee. I can't believe she has the nerve to act like a victim in this. I did not take her children away from her. I am following court orders and the advice of therapists and professionals in child welfare. I am not here to make this easy for the bio-parents. I am here to make life easy, fun, happy, safe and secure for the boys.
I am frustrated and i am sad for the boys. I guess that is what this is all about. Adopting kids through foster care. Taking care of kids whose parents were not able to do it. Parents who never learned parenting skills and parents who, for whatever reason, cannot learn to care for their kids, no matter how many people try to help, teach and offer support. It is frustrating dealing with these bio-parents and my hope is that the frustration will be replaced with an amiable relationship in the future.