i'm not insane, i just have 4 kids

'The way I see it, if you have four kids, you don't really have to do anything else, ever. Three kids is a handful, but one that many people manage to hold. If you're a mother of four, you definitely don't have to have a career or volunteer for the school fund-raiser or even bring an appetizer to the dinner party. In fact, people give you a lot of credit for wearing both earrings and knowing how to spell chaos and antidepressant. Four kids gives you a pass for every forgotten birthday, overlooked appointment, and missing form. Plus, you can be late for everything the rest of your life and never return phone calls. Who's gonna blame you? It's like having nonthreatening cancer, forever.'

excerpt from 'The Middle Place' by Kelly Corrigan

This is how i feel this week. I have 2 to 3 appointments every day this week. I am so incredibly busy and every time i show up at an appointment i am missing a form, a kid is throwing a fit or i am rushing in the door just in the nick of time. Everyone just smiles and gives me a look like they are surprised that i am speaking in complete sentences and impressed with my ability to dress myself! I am a perfectionist and i hate being late and i hate missing forms. It drives me crazy but i could definitely get used to using the 'i have 4 kids excuse'. I am learning to manage my time and i hope i will learn how to organize all the forms but until then, i will happily accept the busy mom excuse!

same old post, different day

No answers, no end in sight. Caseworker says there is nothing they can do right now. We are considered kinship and their only concern is that the child is okay.
She is with us, she is okay.
Caseworker is communicating with her supervisor and the county attorney and they say there is nothing they can do. According to them:
All's good.
No one cares that she is not getting the therapy she needs. No one cares if this is only temporary. No one cares that this could end any second. No one else is at home waiting for the phone to ring or the knock on the door. No one is as scared as i am that mom will say i'm here to get lovebug, see ya! No one else knows how i am on edge every second of the day just waiting for those words, knowing there is nothing i can do. No one knows how hard it will be for me to watch our lovebug leave our house once again. No one sees our lovebug's scared face and apprehension every time i ask her if she wants to talk to dada(mom's ex boyfriend) or mom. No one else hears her ask "i'm staying here, right?" No one else sees her relief knowing she is staying. Maybe they know, but they don't care. Maybe they know, but they can't do anything. Maybe they do know. Maybe. I feel like no one knows how i feel. I feel like there is no one else in the world who knows what i am going through.

I feel like people are tired of hearing about it, as much as i am tired of living it.

Every week i keep thinking something has to happen, a decision has to be made and every friday i get a call from the caseworker saying that they haven't heard from mom, there's nothing we can do. There is nothing they can do. Soooo.......we wait.

it's not a cage, it's the rules! honestly!

According to the human services certification foster care rules we have to have a baby gate on the stairs as long as there is a child under 3. Seriously? So banana doesn't turn 3 till the end of july. Ugh! So last time the caseworker was here she said we needed to have the baby gates on the stairs - at least on the days she comes to visit(humor me, she said).
Needless to say we had the baby gates up yesterday when the caseworker came by. My poor kids look like they are jailed in at the top of the stairs. I have a 5 year old behind a baby gate, for goodness sakes! They look so silly up there and i feel like those horrible people you hear about on oprah who cage up their kids!


Now i have a confession, i must tell you, oh believe me when i say there are days I want to use that gate all day! There are days when i am tired of answering questions, tired of coloring, tired of cleaning up playdough, tired of wiping noses, etc., etc.

There are days i want to put up that baby gate and tell the kids and brian: "It's the rules! Human services, certification, foster care rules! and the gate is staying up!"

eat, pray, love

No news
Hoping
Tired
Praying
Needing answers
Patience
Frustrated
Begging
Anger
Exhausted
Sad
Please

Okay, so these are the thoughts that run through my head over and over........all day. Oh yeah, i also hear myself: I'm a mommy on the edge!(said in donkeys voice from shrek) Somehow this cracks me up every time i hear it in my head. It makes me laugh and stops the aforementioned thoughts for a minute or so. (yes, i do talk to myself quite often throughout my day)
I just wish we could have some direction. It is my need to have control of every situation. I am trying to release that control. I am trying to find that place of acceptance and peace. The place in my mind and soul where i can be patient and let what will happen...happen. It is hard for me, i don't like the unknown. I appreciate plans, order, i like to know what to expect. I am trying to keep busy, keep my mind off of it. I know this is not the healthy way to deal with it. I can't stay busy all the time and i am wearing myself out trying. I do have quiet time. During those moments of silence (naptime), i am exploring some meditation exercises. It will take awhile for me to get to the place where i can sit for any period of time and actually meditate. I feel like julia roberts in the movie eat, pray, love when she is in the meditation room trying to clear her mind of thoughts and she looks up at the clock and a minute has gone by! That's me!

So anyway, we have no new news. We are still waiting for answers and we are still waiting for the phone to ring. Until then......

i will continue to work on just being and letting it be.

my phone isn't ringing

I am so incredibly frustrated. I keep waiting for a phone call that never comes. Still nothing today and the deadline was friday. How long are they going to give lovebug's mom to make a decision?
I spend all day waiting for a phone call and then i have to call and leave a message with the caseworker. She calls me back close to 6 and seems too busy to talk. I understand she has a full caseload but this is the most important case to me.
It is horrible waiting for a call and a decision. Friday i was told that they were giving mom till today and the caseworker said she would call me. Now the caseworker said she will call me tomorrow. I am a mess waiting for my phone to ring. It is the call that will let lovebug stay with us or it will be the call that will send her back home to her mom.
I am on edge. I feel physically sick - my stomach hurts, my head hurts and i can't sit still. My mind is racing with the possibilities and prayers constantly ALL DAY!
Every time my phone rings my stomach drops to the floor and my blood runs cold. I am so scared......but i need to know.

Harper, a dog like no other

My brother juan was going to put his dog down today but they have decided to try meds for awhile instead. I am thankful and hope that the meds will work for harper. They live in north carolina and i have not seen harper since they moved there about 6 years ago(although i have skyped with him!)
I remember when my brother got harper, he was such a cute puppy and he grew into an amazing, happy and loving dog. He lived with my mom for a few months and we got to know him and love him. My brother was kind enough to share him with all of us and he really became an important part of all of our lives. He is a beautiful chocolate lab. We all spoiled him and when they moved away i remember missing harper terribly. I could talk to my brother and jenn, i could talk to the kids. They came out to visit us, but i don't get to see harper.
I remember the first christmas my brother was determined to buy harper this giant tennis ball, i think the thing cost 50 bucks. The ball rolled out of the box and hit harper in the nose and scared the crap out of him! He refused to play with it.
My brother and his wife met because of harper. Her family grew up with labs and she approached juan to say hi to harper and that was that.
Harper is an amazing dog, friend and an important part of our family. I am hopeful that the meds will work for him and he will be around for a few more years.

Good luck old dog, we love you!

i can breath again

SHE'S HOME!!! YEAH!

We will see what we hear today. I'm assuming nothing because she has till the end of the week to contact us, so we will probably hear something next week. (hopefully)

tomorrow, a decision?

No idea what is going on with lovebug's mom! Supposed to have a decision made this week but nothing yet. We will see how long social services lets her slide this time. I am so frustrated! Mom acts like she has no idea what is expected of her and i did talk to her today but she played dumb, saying she didn't know why the caseworker said she would call me this week. grrrr. She said she had a stressful week, missed her therapy and was going to try and get on track next week. seriously?! This cannot continue to go on like this. We need answers and we need a decision. So anyway, she called because the ex boyfriend wanted to have lovebug for an overnight tonight and i had to have her permission to let lovebug go. After close to 12 phone calls back and forth between ex boyfriend, mom and the caseworker, it was decided that lovebug would go for an overnight tonight. Ex boyfriend picked her up at about noon and said that he was picking up lovebug's mom. She was going to join them at his parents house, they live in the mountains and he wanted to take the kids sledding.

My biggest fear: they will not bring lovebug back! I am missing her soooo much and my house seems so quiet without her here.....

the little things make the biggest impact

Today is turtle's birthday. We(gee, lovebug and i) woke up turtle singing happy birthday to him. Brian made him waffles with strawberries...yummy! with lots of whipped cream and we sang happy birthday again and he blew out his candle.(actually banana blew out his candle the first time so we had to relight it) Lovebug, banana and i took cupcakes to turtle at school and they sung happy birthday........AGAIN! He was able to choose the dinner menu. We ate hot dogs for dinner :) We had a small cake and cupcakes, he was able to blow out the candles again and one last singing of happy birthday. He absolutely LOVED his birthday and his face has been in a constant smile. He can get shy and it is just sooooo cute. I love that we have been able to give him such a wonderful day. At the end of this night, we were getting ready for bed and he gave brian a big hug and said thank you and then he gave me a big hug and said thank you. It was wonderful and it surprised me. I am so proud of him, it is such a grown up thing to do for a 4 year old. Something i didn't know he had in him.

We are not doing the great big birthday party like we did for gee. We have decided with 4 kids (whether or not lovebug is living with us, we will still have the opportunity to celebrate her birthday) we cannot afford to throw a big bash every year for each kid. We are going to celebrate as a family with a special day and on the 'big' birthdays we will throw a big party with everyone invited. That would be the 5th year, the 10th year, the 13th year, the 16th year and the 18th. It will make it special and it will allow me to plan a big, fun party without feeling overwhelmed.

I hope our kids will grow up and appreciate the way we celebrated their birthdays. I hope that giving them more of the attention and love through food, song and special little things will help them to appreciate the big parties they will get every few years. I hope they will learn to appreciate the simpler things in life. They will realize that the big gifts, the over-abundance of gifts, big parties full sweets, games and all the commotion that go with the parties are the exception. I don't want spoiled kids who EXPECT the big things. I want them to realize how special they are to me and that they are worth more to me than money. And by showing them love with little, simple gifts and special times, they will appreciate themselves for who they are and not by what they can give materially. That's what it is all about isn't it? Building their self esteem and helping them to realize they are important, special and amazing - no matter the amount of money they make, what kind of house they live in or kind of car they drive. I want them to learn the value of giving from the heart, not the pocketbook.

I love birthdays and the opportunity for creativity is enormous. I hope i will be able to make each of my kids feel special and loved. I hope they will love their birthdays and have wonderful memories that they will share with their own children one day.

a family's loss

I have not always been a stay at home mom. I used to work at bright horizons child care center in the 2.5 - 3 year old classroom. It was a job i loved (and hated). I loved the kids and i had this one little girl in my class, she is a cutie and took fooreeveer to potty train. I think i had this little girl in my class close to 2 years and needless to say i grew to love her and her family. Her grandma would do a lot of the drop offs and pick ups and she is a wonderful lady who was always kind and would hang out in our classroom and watch the kids play and visit with me. The little girls mom travelled a lot and would come in once in awhile, she is a funny lady who had great stories and could talk your ear off. The family ALWAYS came to any classroom parties. The mom, dad and younger brother. What a wonderful family.

I just found out that the little girl's younger brother drowned this saturday. I am so incredibly sad. He was such a cutie, looked exactly like his sister. He was ALL boy! He was full of life and boy did that kid keep his mom and grandma on their toes!

I am so sad for the family. I can't imagine that kind of pain and sadness. I can't imagine the kind of strength it takes to get through something like this. I remember how close the two kids were with each other. You could see right away that those two were best friends! It is amazing the bond that siblings can have and i am so sad for that little girl....losing her baby brother and best friend. I am overwhelmed with sadness.

still waiting

This waiting game is crazy!

Lovebug's mom called me on friday and had no answers for me. She has a lot going on......her and her boyfriend broke up so i am not sure where she is living now. She is meeting with a new therapist on monday and she said she had several other appointments set up for next week. She said she would call me the beginning of next week and let us know what is going on.

I have many hopes. Lovebug's mom has not made plans to pick up lovebug yet. She has not mentioned to me anything about how much longer lovebug will be with us. She told lovebug she would bring the baby by sometime next week to see her. This all points to the idea that at least she has not made a decision yet.

Please keep praying for our lovebug, she told me today 'Mommy, I want to live with you forever'. I hope this will happen!

we need prayers and a miracle

I am losing it! on the inside! my nerves are on edge! I can't sit still! I need answers! My mind is racing!

Lovebug's mom is being released tomorrow. She is supposed to be calling me and letting us know what the plan is......

Prayers! Prayers! Prayers!

I pray she will let our lovebug stay with us, let us raise her. I pray she will see how much lovebug just FITS into our family and let her stay with us. I pray she sees lovebug's desire to live with us and her need for a stable home. I pray she can use all that love she has for lovebug to give her the strength to do the best thing for lovebug.

I believe in miracles!

my friend, Loretta

I have had my friend loretta on my mind lately. I love that girl! She is amazing and i haven't talked to her in awhile. She is a great friend and she moved to south dakota too many years ago! We are great friends and i feel like we are complete opposites in so many ways. She is one of those people who can(and does) talk to anybody. She is funny, friendly, loving and full of life. When she walks in a room, the party starts. She is everything i have never been. She's a talker, i'm a listener. She has been my friend for over 10 years now, i've known her for probably close to 15. We do have some things in common. She has a wonderful family who means the world to her. She is one of those people who tries to save everyone around her and all she meets. She wants to make the world a better place. She has an amazing faith. We met at work and through a mutual friend but grew closer through our relationship we developed through church. We went to rome and paris together(with 100other people from our church) and our friendship really grew after that. She is a beautiful person, inside and out.

I did not truly find myself until i met her. I don't think i have ever told her this, like i said - i'm a listener. I love her for so many things but most especially, i love her for that. I hope she will not hate me for what i am about to say but it explains why she helped me so much. Loretta used to be plus size. She was the first person i ever met that was plus size, beautiful and confident. It was like her beauty from the inside shined through and she was just beautiful, people were attracted to her beauty, confidence and ability to make them feel good about themselves. Before i met loretta i had this super long hair, glasses and never wore make up. I didn't feel pretty and it definitely showed, pair that with my shyness and quietness and i was a lonely girl. I just didn't understand who i was. I didn't see my beauty. Then i saw loretta and how she was so beautiful and she just had this way of making me feel important and beautiful too. I know now how much she hated being overweight and she didn't feel as confident as she put out there but at that time she was a ray of light to me. I was a moth attracted to her and i couldn't get enough of her. I found my confidence with her help and i found my beauty. I cut my hair, started wearing contacts and make up. It was an amazing transformation. I felt beautiful and it showed. I don't know if i would have found my beauty without loretta, she is incredible and saved me in so many ways. Our song became bette midler's 'I'm beautiful'. I remember singing our hearts out to that song!lol dancing around and laughing! Boy do i miss her.

Loretta was my matron of honor at my wedding. I couldn't have had anyone else but her. I don't think i could have met and married brian without learning to love and appreciate myself first and she is the one who helped me to do that. I found my confidence and my beauty and within a year i had met brian. I can see my beauty now and i love me just the way i am and i have a loving and wonderful husband who loves me too. I have some of the most amazing friends and family in the world and one special friend who has helped me to live a better life. We have had our rough patches but i can't imagine a life without loretta as my friend.

How lucky can one person get?

some things cannot be shared

All three of the boys are in play therapy. I love it, and i feel like they benefit from the time they spend. Our lovebug went when she was with us and it helped her tremendously and she misses it....a lot. The boys all have their own therapist, when we started they had a couple of interns and they decided to have them work with the two older boys. Banana has the same therapist that our lovebug had, jojo. She is not an intern and she is an amazing therapist, lovebug loved her and still asks about her. Banana doesn't talk very much and he doesn't seem to have the attachment to jojo that the other kids all have with their therapists. This has not been a problem yet, having banana with the same therapist that lovebug had. Having an intern as a therapist is not ideal because they are temporary and they are likely to get a job and move on, leaving us to find another therapist. Well, this is what has happened. We have to find another therapist for gee. The therapists have recommended that we now use jojo for gee also. I cannot let this happen. I love jojo and think she is a great therapist and i also know that they are suggesting what they feel is the best thing for gee. It is their job....do what is best for the kids in their care. But i have to do the best for the kids in my care also. I don't have just gee to think about, i have to consider what is best for gee, lovebug, turtle and banana. I can't do that to lovebug, she has lost too much. She is already so jealous and angry with the boys for taking what she felt was hers. It is not going to help their relationship if she hears him talking about going to see jojo and she can't go, and believe me, gee talks! It will be another loss and something else to blame on the boys. I CANNOT do that to her and it would also not be good for gee. He grows attached too and i feel like he needs his own therapist, someone he doesn't have to share. I can't help but feel judged. I have told them twice that i don't feel like this is a good idea and they keep bringing it up like they didn't even hear me. I feel like if they had the best interest of the boys in mind when we started, they would have never given them interns. They are worried about the loss and transition. hmmmm......... doesn't seem to make sense to give these kids to interns, people learning and looking for jobs.

Gee has 3 sessions left with his therapist now and finally today his therapist has decided to listen to me 'of course i understand, that makes sense. It's your decision and it seems to be the best one.' Really?! I guess it takes saying it 3 times to be understood! So now she will try and set up this other therapist for gee....finally.

a month later

Here we are a month later and as most of you may know.......we have had our lovebug this whole month! That's right, she has been here at our house, living, loving, playing and enjoying herself. Her mom finally called and let us know that she had admitted herself to a place, she is being treated for post-partum depression. It makes a lot of sense and i knew something was going on. I just assumed it was drugs. I am happy that she is getting help. Having said that, there is a part of me that wishes it would have been something that would have made this whole situation easier...for all of us. something that would force social services to take our lovebug away.....that is not the case. Any decision that would keep lovebug in our home will have to come from her mom. I am praying every second of every day that this is the decision that her mom makes. I know she is considering it. I pray that she can see past her needs and do what is best for lovebug. Our lovebug wants to stay with us so badly. She feels safe and she is doing great. Her mom called yesterday and i asked if she wanted to talk to her, the first thing she says before she answers me is 'am i staying here'. i told her yes, she was staying here and she got happy and was excited to talk to her mom. I know she loves her mom but she doesn't want to live there, she wants to stay with us. She says it. I feel bad for her mom because i know that this time it was not her fault. She could not control the fact that she could not function and take care of her kids because of the post-partum depression. She had to get help and she needed to do this but this is not something that lovebug understands. Unfortunately her mom did not make good choices in the past and now this is the second time that lovebug has been away from her mom for a significant amount of time. She is going to be devastated if she has to leave us again.
Mom is getting out this week, maybe. We will see what she is planning on doing. I hope she can make the right decision for our lovebug. I am thankful that we are able to talk to each other. I feel like we could have a really good relationship. We'll see what the next few months bring our way.