Lovebug's mom had a great time with lovebug at the boulder creek festival. We all had a great time but i think it was a special day for lovebug's mom. She is alone right now. She is not with her boyfriend. Her oldest son is with her mom. Lovebug is with us. Her younger two are with her boyfriend and his family. She is living with a friend who, due to his work, is never home. She has been diagnosed with depression and i am not sure if she is taking her medication regularly. She is lonely, has no money and not much going on.
When we were at the festival, biomom told lovebug that she had a swimming pool at her apt. complex. Lovebug was so excited to hear this and immediately told biomom she wanted to live with her. UGH! Then biomom told her she could come stay the night sometime. Okay. So mom called the next day(yesterday) and said she wanted lovebug to spend the night and she wanted to pick her up in a couple of hours. Of course we had no choice and packed a bag for her to go.
Let me tell you, i had to pack EVERYTHING! I packed her clothes, pajamas and a swimsuit. Biomom asked me to send some toys because she didn't have any(i packed very few toys)and then called back a little later and asked if she could use a carseat because she didn't have one! REalLy?!?!? I felt like i should pack her some food too(i did not), just to be sure lovebug had enough to eat.
So biomom texted me a photo of lovebug by the pool yesterday about 1:00. If you remember, the weather yesterday was cool and windy, definitely not what i would consider swimming weather. hmmmm...maybe i'm just too overprotective. Maybe boulder's weather was significantly different than here - doubt it!
I asked biomom when she would bring lovebug home and she said she would see when lovebug wanted to come home. I called her today and biomom said they were having a good time and i asked when she was bringing lovebug home. She asked lovebug if she wanted to come home or if she wanted to stay another night and it sounded to me like lovebug said she wanted to come home. Biomom said that lovebug was having a hard time making a decision and she would call me about 3:00 after they went swimming and took a nap. I was so nervous.
Well, biomom called about 1:00 and said that they had just finished swimming and lovebug asked if we were there yet, mom asked who? and she said lisa and brian. So she was calling to let us know that lovebug was ready to come home. Biomom said she didn't have a ride till later in the afternoon and i offered to pick up lovebug or they could wait till she had a ride. She asked lovebug and she said she wanted to come home now. YEAH!! So off brian went to picke her up.
What a horrible night. I was so stressed, nervous and worried. I didn't know if she would come home. Apparently biomom can't make decisions. So our lives are all left to the will of a 3 year old. Seriously?!?!
Brian called me and said that he was going to stop and get her something to eat. Sounds like she hasn't eaten since breakfast. It was 2:15 when he called(maybe i should have packed food!)
I really hope biomom realizes she cannot take care of lovebug. She doesn't have the resources and i just don't feel she has the patience or ability. She has no clothes for her, no car seat, no toys, no bed, no toothbrush, no shoes, no hairties, hairbrush, food........... I could go on and on. I know she loves lovebug but sometimes love is JUST NOT ENOUGH! She doesn't have the support of family, she has no car and she is done with the only help she was getting - social services closed her case last friday and we are done dealing with them as far as lovebug goes. (a whole other post!!!) She doesn't have the type of personality to make and keep appointments, she can't seem to follow through with paperwork and she doesn't like to make decisions. I don't see her being able to get a place, job, child care or any other basics she needs to keep lovebug safe.
We'll see when we get another call asking for an overnight. I pray mom will get some papers signed soon. It can't go on like this much longer. can it?
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
festival of emotions
Interesting day
We all went to the boulder creek festival. Love it, super fun, lots to do, interesting people(it's boulder), good food, fun music, cool dancing....needless to say we had a great time! I loooove spending time in boulder and i always have a good time when we go. I called lovebug's mom last night and asked her if she wanted to meet us there and she took us up on the offer. She was in denver when i called her this morning, thinking we weren't going till this afternoon. I thought she was going to flake out on us, but she hustled and met us there about a half hour after we got there. I was happy to see her make an effort. Lovebug knew since the night before that her mom was going to meet us so she was super excited. She would have been heartbroken and confused if her mom did not show up. She spent the whole time with us, about 4 hours. It was a nice time overall.
Now, how did this make me feel?
confused.
I was happy. So happy that lovebug had the opportunity to see her mom, she hasn't seen her since easter. She was so excited and i could see lovebug's happiness. I was thankful. It helps her to see her mom, to know that she is safe and okay. We dropped her mom off at the place she is staying and lovebug got to see where her mom lives. I think it is something she has wondered about and was worried about, not knowing where her mom was living. I was nervous. I wouldn't let them out of my sight. I just couldn't help but think, in the back of my mind, she was going to get lost in the crowd, holding lovebug's hand and then they would be gone. forever. I was scared. I was waiting for her to say, any minute, i'd like lovebug to come live with me again. I don't EVER want to hear those words. There is nothing we can do if we do hear those words, we would just have to let her go. I was sad. It is sad to see lovebug's mom and know that she loves lovebug soooo much and to see lovebug and know that she loves her mom soooo much and yet they are not able to be together; not because anyone has ordered this, no courts, no caseworker but simply because her mom doesn't know how to take care of her and has chosen to let her live with us (for how long? i don't know). I was anxious. I tried to let lovebug's mom 'mother' lovebug. I tried to step back and be in the background. It was hard to do but i cannot tell you how thankful i am to be able to 'mother' lovebug everyday for the last 3 months and i was willing to give her mom 4 hours. I about dropped my ice cream when i heard lovebug tell her mom 'i want to live with you', after her mom told her she had a swimming pool at the apt. complex. I could hear lovebug's confusion when she called me mommy. mommy lisa. and she called her mom, mommy. jessica. mommy jessica. Not sure what to call us, not sure who to call mommy.
I love that girl with all my heart. She is a brave and strong girl. I wish she didn't have so much confusion going on in her life. I cannot imagine how confusing the day was for her. I continue to pray her mom will have the love, maturity and strength to let lovebug go, i pray lovebug will receive the gift of stability soon. I hope her mom will see our sincerity, our honesty and learn to trust us in the near future.
We all went to the boulder creek festival. Love it, super fun, lots to do, interesting people(it's boulder), good food, fun music, cool dancing....needless to say we had a great time! I loooove spending time in boulder and i always have a good time when we go. I called lovebug's mom last night and asked her if she wanted to meet us there and she took us up on the offer. She was in denver when i called her this morning, thinking we weren't going till this afternoon. I thought she was going to flake out on us, but she hustled and met us there about a half hour after we got there. I was happy to see her make an effort. Lovebug knew since the night before that her mom was going to meet us so she was super excited. She would have been heartbroken and confused if her mom did not show up. She spent the whole time with us, about 4 hours. It was a nice time overall.
Now, how did this make me feel?
confused.
I was happy. So happy that lovebug had the opportunity to see her mom, she hasn't seen her since easter. She was so excited and i could see lovebug's happiness. I was thankful. It helps her to see her mom, to know that she is safe and okay. We dropped her mom off at the place she is staying and lovebug got to see where her mom lives. I think it is something she has wondered about and was worried about, not knowing where her mom was living. I was nervous. I wouldn't let them out of my sight. I just couldn't help but think, in the back of my mind, she was going to get lost in the crowd, holding lovebug's hand and then they would be gone. forever. I was scared. I was waiting for her to say, any minute, i'd like lovebug to come live with me again. I don't EVER want to hear those words. There is nothing we can do if we do hear those words, we would just have to let her go. I was sad. It is sad to see lovebug's mom and know that she loves lovebug soooo much and to see lovebug and know that she loves her mom soooo much and yet they are not able to be together; not because anyone has ordered this, no courts, no caseworker but simply because her mom doesn't know how to take care of her and has chosen to let her live with us (for how long? i don't know). I was anxious. I tried to let lovebug's mom 'mother' lovebug. I tried to step back and be in the background. It was hard to do but i cannot tell you how thankful i am to be able to 'mother' lovebug everyday for the last 3 months and i was willing to give her mom 4 hours. I about dropped my ice cream when i heard lovebug tell her mom 'i want to live with you', after her mom told her she had a swimming pool at the apt. complex. I could hear lovebug's confusion when she called me mommy. mommy lisa. and she called her mom, mommy. jessica. mommy jessica. Not sure what to call us, not sure who to call mommy.
I love that girl with all my heart. She is a brave and strong girl. I wish she didn't have so much confusion going on in her life. I cannot imagine how confusing the day was for her. I continue to pray her mom will have the love, maturity and strength to let lovebug go, i pray lovebug will receive the gift of stability soon. I hope her mom will see our sincerity, our honesty and learn to trust us in the near future.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
the power of words
Lovebug tells me 'I don't want to play with banana, he makes me annerious'. I had no idea what she was trying to say. She was pretty adamant about it and i asked her why don't you want to play with banana? 'He makes me annerious.' He makes you nervous? 'no, annerious'. Still i had no clue! Again - he makes you delirious? 'Yes, I don't want to play with banana, he makes me delirious!' I laughed so hard. This girl cracks me up! She is so full of language and words and she remembers EVERYTHING she hears and sees. I continued the conversation with her, asking her why banana makes her delirious. She laughed and then she said not delirious. 'I don't want to play with banana because he makes me annerious'. I again said nervous? 'No mommy. Look at me, saaaaaaay an-ner-i-ous'. Once again i couldn't help myself and i burst out laughing. She picks up on all i do. I do that to banana and turtle, trying to get them to say a word. Obviously i wasn't saying the word she wanted me to say. I still have no idea what word she was trying to say! She was pretty sure that annerious was the word she needed to be using and i guess banana makes her feel annerious and feeling annerious is not a good thing because that is the reason she could NOT play in his room! Haha, she is a funny girl, strong willed but funny!
I was trying to get her to play in banana's room because we had a speech therapist here to do an assessment on turtle and they needed some quiet time to do the testing. I had this conversation with lovebug and then i sat down on the sofa to (inconspicuously) watch turtle and his therapist do the testing. It was so strange to experience such obvious and opposite experiences so close together. I just want my little guy to have those words that come so easily to gee and lovebug. He gives up so quickly, knowing the way he says 'cup' doesn't sound anything like 'cup'. It was a 30 minute test and he just didn't have the attention span, i feel like he just gives up. He knows that we can't understand his words, so why try? Makes me so sad for him. He tries and tries, and he lasted for a good 15 minutes but i can see him lose his confidence. The anticipation of playing with someone new loses it's appeal once he realizes it is just a lot of work and i can see he is embarrassed by the way he talks. :( He covers his mouth and looks down when speaking. The therapist had to keep asking him to look up and move his hands. I want to cry for him. It makes me want to rescue him and speak the words for him. He understands everything, he knows exactly what he wants to say. He just cannot get his mouth to say the words that are there in his head. It is so hard to watch.
I hope one day in the near future he will be able to talk like gee and lovebug, spouting off big words. Making me laugh with his attempts at complicated words and trying to repeat adults.
I was trying to get her to play in banana's room because we had a speech therapist here to do an assessment on turtle and they needed some quiet time to do the testing. I had this conversation with lovebug and then i sat down on the sofa to (inconspicuously) watch turtle and his therapist do the testing. It was so strange to experience such obvious and opposite experiences so close together. I just want my little guy to have those words that come so easily to gee and lovebug. He gives up so quickly, knowing the way he says 'cup' doesn't sound anything like 'cup'. It was a 30 minute test and he just didn't have the attention span, i feel like he just gives up. He knows that we can't understand his words, so why try? Makes me so sad for him. He tries and tries, and he lasted for a good 15 minutes but i can see him lose his confidence. The anticipation of playing with someone new loses it's appeal once he realizes it is just a lot of work and i can see he is embarrassed by the way he talks. :( He covers his mouth and looks down when speaking. The therapist had to keep asking him to look up and move his hands. I want to cry for him. It makes me want to rescue him and speak the words for him. He understands everything, he knows exactly what he wants to say. He just cannot get his mouth to say the words that are there in his head. It is so hard to watch.
I hope one day in the near future he will be able to talk like gee and lovebug, spouting off big words. Making me laugh with his attempts at complicated words and trying to repeat adults.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
mars vs. venus? well, not really but something like it
I love the differences between boys and girls! It is amazing to watch them and see how their minds work.
I brought home TONS of clothes this weekend from the consignment sale. Super cute summer clothes for all 4 kids. I walked in the door and they were all super excited. Are those for us? Oh, thank-you mommy. I am so happy. The boys looked at them for a minute or so and then headed back upstairs, loving the fact that i bought them clothes and knowing that i care enough to bring them home something. Lovebug spent over 30 minutes looking at each piece of clothing exclaiming 'i love this', 'how cute!', 'oh mommy, this is beautiful'. She squealed, exclaimed, ooh'd and aah'd over every piece of clothing and proceeded to plan out her outfit for the next day. My, my, my, i am going to be in trouble!
I go to bingo every sunday evening with my mom. The kids know this every week and yet my two clingy boys (gee and banana) cry EVERY time. They are fine when i leave. They give me kisses, hugs and say bye. Then about an hour or so later they both start crying because they miss me! They are so funny and it is just like a boy to be all brave when saying goodbye and then crying later when they just can't keep it in any longer. On the other hand, lovebug clings, whines and doesn't want me to leave but as soon as i'm gone - she's just fine! It's her way of letting me know she doesn't want me to leave and also making me feel bad for leaving her. She's making a statement!
My boys have definite opinions but boy, oh boy lovebug rules the roost! She likes to boss them around - AND THEY LISTEN! She chooses who gets to sit next to her during mealtime. She chooses who gets to play in her room. She lets them know exactly what she is thinking and what she wants. Oh my!
My boys love, love, love hugs and kisses and being held and all the affection. They could sit forever with me. They crave that affection and they are so loving. They are so sweet and they just want to be loved and to FEEL the love. Lovebug loves hugs and kisses too but only when she wants them. She knows we love her and she definitely doesn't require the reassurance. She likes to be up and moving and it is a special treat for me when she will sit and let me hug and snuggle her.
In an ideal world, my boys would love for me to do everything for them. I would dress them. I would make their beds. I would clean their rooms, brush their teeth, wipe their booty and feed them if i'd just get on board with their idea of utopia! Lovebug's ideal world would be a place where she could do it ALL herself! She's ready to cook, clean and rule the world. She wants to do it herself because then it would be done the way she wants it done. (so much like me!)haha!
Oh, how i love the differences between my boys and my girl. They keep me laughing and shaking my head in disbelief! I am so grateful for the opportunity to mother all 4 of these children and to experience the world through their eyes.
I brought home TONS of clothes this weekend from the consignment sale. Super cute summer clothes for all 4 kids. I walked in the door and they were all super excited. Are those for us? Oh, thank-you mommy. I am so happy. The boys looked at them for a minute or so and then headed back upstairs, loving the fact that i bought them clothes and knowing that i care enough to bring them home something. Lovebug spent over 30 minutes looking at each piece of clothing exclaiming 'i love this', 'how cute!', 'oh mommy, this is beautiful'. She squealed, exclaimed, ooh'd and aah'd over every piece of clothing and proceeded to plan out her outfit for the next day. My, my, my, i am going to be in trouble!
I go to bingo every sunday evening with my mom. The kids know this every week and yet my two clingy boys (gee and banana) cry EVERY time. They are fine when i leave. They give me kisses, hugs and say bye. Then about an hour or so later they both start crying because they miss me! They are so funny and it is just like a boy to be all brave when saying goodbye and then crying later when they just can't keep it in any longer. On the other hand, lovebug clings, whines and doesn't want me to leave but as soon as i'm gone - she's just fine! It's her way of letting me know she doesn't want me to leave and also making me feel bad for leaving her. She's making a statement!
My boys have definite opinions but boy, oh boy lovebug rules the roost! She likes to boss them around - AND THEY LISTEN! She chooses who gets to sit next to her during mealtime. She chooses who gets to play in her room. She lets them know exactly what she is thinking and what she wants. Oh my!
My boys love, love, love hugs and kisses and being held and all the affection. They could sit forever with me. They crave that affection and they are so loving. They are so sweet and they just want to be loved and to FEEL the love. Lovebug loves hugs and kisses too but only when she wants them. She knows we love her and she definitely doesn't require the reassurance. She likes to be up and moving and it is a special treat for me when she will sit and let me hug and snuggle her.
In an ideal world, my boys would love for me to do everything for them. I would dress them. I would make their beds. I would clean their rooms, brush their teeth, wipe their booty and feed them if i'd just get on board with their idea of utopia! Lovebug's ideal world would be a place where she could do it ALL herself! She's ready to cook, clean and rule the world. She wants to do it herself because then it would be done the way she wants it done. (so much like me!)haha!
Oh, how i love the differences between my boys and my girl. They keep me laughing and shaking my head in disbelief! I am so grateful for the opportunity to mother all 4 of these children and to experience the world through their eyes.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
i get my snuggles when i can
My little lovebug is not feeling good today. She woke up and all she wanted to do was sit in my lap and then we had a moment when i thought she was going to get sick. At that point i decided i was not going to take the boys to school and we were all going to just stay home. If you've ever had a child get sick in your car while your driving you understand. It is the worst. Not being able to pull over fast enough, not being able to hold them, help them and then having to get them out of their carseat! I was not going to risk it. We stayed home and lovebug spent her day watching movies on the couch, a testament to how bad she was feeling. And when she is sick she also loves to cuddle and snuggle and let me hold her and she wants to be right by my side and she lets me love on her. So as much as i hate her being sick and not feeling good there is this very small part of me that cherishes and enjoys the snuggle time.(okay, so maybe not VERY small!) Hmmmmm.....is that really as bad as it sounds?
Sunday, May 8, 2011
a reason to celebrate
What a wonderful weekend. Yes. Weekend. My husband did great this year. I spent the day shopping yesterday. My favorite thing. Just me. It was wonderful. Bought a new purse, an outfit and some shoes. Wooohooo! Took all my willpower to stay out of the children's sections, but i didn't buy anything for the kids. My friend melissa came over and watched the kids and brian and i headed out for a much deserved night out. We went to olive garden for dinner and then we went for a stroll on pearl street. Woke up this morning and received the most wonderful bouquet of flowers from brian and the kids. We had breakfast out, all of us with my mom :) I spent the rest of the day relaxing and then i went to play bingo with my mom. It was an amazing day.
It was the best mother's day EVER! I have spent so many mother's days feeling sad and left out, mourning losses and feeling sorry for myself. This was an extraordinary way to spend my first mother's day with a full house. I don't know for sure, with one hundred percent certainty that i will have all 4 of these kids in my home next year for mother's day but i do know that i have them now. I have cared for them, i take care of their owies, kiss them goodnight, i read them stories, i love them. I am thankful that my husband has recognized my efforts and appreciates all i do enough to treat me to a wonderful ME weekend! I am grateful that he has taken the time to help teach our children the importance of recognizing and appreciating me. I hope they learn this lesson well!lol He sat down with the kids and they all made me a flower with their picture on it, colored it and worked hard on making me a gift. SPLENDID. WONDERFUL. LOVELY. TREMENDOUS.
It was the best mother's day EVER! I have spent so many mother's days feeling sad and left out, mourning losses and feeling sorry for myself. This was an extraordinary way to spend my first mother's day with a full house. I don't know for sure, with one hundred percent certainty that i will have all 4 of these kids in my home next year for mother's day but i do know that i have them now. I have cared for them, i take care of their owies, kiss them goodnight, i read them stories, i love them. I am thankful that my husband has recognized my efforts and appreciates all i do enough to treat me to a wonderful ME weekend! I am grateful that he has taken the time to help teach our children the importance of recognizing and appreciating me. I hope they learn this lesson well!lol He sat down with the kids and they all made me a flower with their picture on it, colored it and worked hard on making me a gift. SPLENDID. WONDERFUL. LOVELY. TREMENDOUS.
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