a yard to grow

We have a yard! It has been wonderful and we've actually only taken advantage of it two times. I keep forgetting it's out there, brian is actually the one who has spent time out there and he has sent the boys out there to play. I will admit that i am not much of an outside person. I hate yard work and i hate bugs! (but i LOVE camping)....i know it makes no sense. I used to love being outside, not sure when that changed. I remember spending ALL day outside when i was growing up. Me and my brothers would have to be called in for dinner before we would enter the house.

The boys spent over 2 hours outside on sunday, they had so much fun! Brian had them outside, all bundled up and playing when i came home from the store. It was hard for me to just leave them to play by themselves. I get this crazy guilt like i should be out there supervising and spending my time with them but i just let them play and kept checking on them every few minutes!lol It took me about an hour to be comfortable enough to let them just play and realize that they were fine and safe, our yard is completely secure. It was wonderful to watch them play. It's the kind of play i remember doing and i could see them get comfortable playing by themselves the longer they were out there. Sticks, dirt, running, tree stumps and seeing there imaginations come alive. It was wonderful!

I find it hard to not feel guilty when i MAKE them play by themselves, and when i say make, i mean make! They don't like to play by themselves, even though they have each other to play with. Heaven forbid i separate them and ask them to play by themselves! I know they need reassurance and quality time, i give it to them and we work on colors, numbers, shapes, etc. I just also feel they need to build the relationship with each other. Healthy relationships in a secure and safe home, relationships that aren't made out of necessity but out of play and imagination based on fun and happiness.

I love them so much and want them to experience a great childhood full of play and fun. I remember my best friends growing up were my brothers (i was 12 when my sister was born, we didn't really grow up together). We had sooooo much fun and we are still close and i love that we can get together and just love and joke around together like it was all yesterday. My mom was wonderful and she was a great provider, caretaker and loving shoulder to cry on but she wasn't my favorite playmate. I want them to depend on me for food, shelter and i want to be the shoulder they cry on but i don't want to smother them. I don't want to be there every moment they are playing; directing their play, influencing their choices. I want them to be independent in their play, rely on their own imagination and learn to work out the obstacles that present themselves.

I am so happy to have a back yard, one that is so secure and safe. My boys will be spending a lot of time out there.

a new house

Wow! It's been awhile. We moved last weekend and it's been a little crazy with the move and trying to get onto a schedule. I love the new place, i am so happy to have more room. The oldest has his own room, the other 2 boys share and our lovebug has her own room. My kitchen is bigger than our old place and we have 2 bathrooms....YEAH! We are trying to empty boxes still and it just feels never ending right now, trying to find the perfect space for everything.

Gee loves having his own room and i love that he gets his own space away from his brothers. He needs that time to himself sometimes, he has taken care of them and worried about his brothers for so long. He also depends on those around him to play with him, interact and 'do what he says'. I want him to start getting some independence and self confidence in his own abilities to play and entertain himself.
I think turtle was a little upset the first couple times he had to sleep in the room without gee. He was whiny and a little sad. He is used to having gee there and unfortunately him and banana don't seem to have a very strong bond. They don't play well together and i hope that sharing a room will build their bond and help them to get along with each other more.

Of course our lovebug LOVES her room. She says 'Oh, thank you mommy!' She has done great so far and has been fine sleeping by herself. It is on the lower level and quieter, so she is getting more sleep. She enjoys letting the boys play in her room and it is also nice to have a room to send her to when she needs some space.

Our youngest, banana started speech therapy a few weeks ago. We have had 3 sessions so far and they have been going great. The therapist comes here to our home every tuesday for 45 minutes and banana really seems to enjoy it. I hope this will help him to communicate better.

too much to ask?

Gee had his birthday this last weekend, 5 years old. Birthdays are such a big deal. He had his party on saturday, his actual birthday on sunday, received gifts from his uncle on wednesday and celebrated at school on thursday. Whew! How wonderful to be young and get to celebrate your birthday for days! I am so happy he had such a great birthday and we were able to help him celebrate such a big milestone! Now that i have said that, i am angry at his bio-parents. The bio-parents that every other week call and talk to the boys and in talking to them, remind them of the horrible way they had to spend the first few years of their young lives. The bio-parents, who want photos and information about the boys. They want us to send them pictures of the boys, they want details about their lives and their state of mind, how they are doing, what they are doing. They want us to share all this information with them, they want to continue phone calls with the boys, they'd love to see the boys yet they can't seem to send the boys ONE gift, ONE card, just ONE little thing from them to their child. The boys did not receive one present for christmas, gee did not receive a gift from either bio-parent for his birthday. What the hell? I don't expect them to go out and buy a big gift, i don't expect them to spend money. Send a card, send a picture, make a card, something, anything! I can't imagine not acknowledging our lovebug on her birthday, EVER, for the rest of my life i will send her something on her birthday, for christmas and any other day i feel is a special day.
I can't believe how selfish these bio-parents are, it is not about the boys, it is about what they want, what they need. The bio-mom actually had the nerve to e-mail asking for pictures of gee's birthday party, saying 'since i can't be there for my gee's birthday, could you send me pictures'. Seriously? Of course you can't be here for gee's birthday. You are not allowed to see gee. I can't believe she has the nerve to act like a victim in this. I did not take her children away from her. I am following court orders and the advice of therapists and professionals in child welfare. I am not here to make this easy for the bio-parents. I am here to make life easy, fun, happy, safe and secure for the boys.
I am frustrated and i am sad for the boys. I guess that is what this is all about. Adopting kids through foster care. Taking care of kids whose parents were not able to do it. Parents who never learned parenting skills and parents who, for whatever reason, cannot learn to care for their kids, no matter how many people try to help, teach and offer support. It is frustrating dealing with these bio-parents and my hope is that the frustration will be replaced with an amiable relationship in the future.

a happy birthday

We had gee's birthday party this weekend. I put a lot into it, it took a lot of time, money and planning. It was great and well worth it. It was ALL worth it to see his face when we were singing him happy birthday, to hear him still talking about his party. He had such a wonderful time and i am thankful that we were able to give him his first real birthday party. We had a superhero themed birthday party for him and he was so excited every day watching me getting stuff ready. I made superhero masks, capes and wristbands. He had a fun superhero cake. We had a whole superhero/cake villain party game planned. Too much for the little ones - OOPS! Brian dressed up and was pretending he wanted to steal the cake. Our superheroes were supposed to defuse the bombs(pop the black balloons), dispose of the kryptonite(use tongs to pick up green rocks), and attack the villain with webs(spray silly string)! We didn't get past the balloons! haha! It was still fun and i think the kids loved their capes and masks. I know i had a great time planning the party and i am so thankful that brian and i were able to give this party for gee. Who doesn't deserve a fun-filled party just for them on their birthday?!?!