it went great

We had a great visit with the boys today. They were wonderful! The foster mom and dad dropped the boys off at the park with us, they did not run to greet us but were happy to see us. They also had no problem saying goodbye to the foster parents, there was no crying or clinging. They ran to the playground and started playing. They climbed on the equipment, went down the slides and loved the encouragement and praise they received from both of us. We pushed them on the swings for what seemed like forever!lol They loved them. We sang songs, made music and had snack. We bought the boys trucks and they played with those for a long time. They found some sticks and they were all digging in the mud and playing with their trucks, and when i say all i mean all - brian enjoyed himself! We ate lunch and then broke out the crayons and paper. We were left with them at the park for 4 hours! I can't believe how well they did for all that time, we were able to keep them occupied and happy for most of the time. From what we were told they normally eat at 11:30 and all three take a nap after lunch. The youngest was definitely getting tired after lunch but luckily we only had about 30 to 45 minutes left after lunch. The caseworker was there at the beginning and at the end, unfortunately the only time any of them got upset was as soon as she pulled up, the youngest one started to cry when i went to change his diaper. Luckily he calmed down quickly and she understood that he was just tired. The visit went incredibly smooth, i couldn't believe how well the boys did at the park with us for four hours! I am encouraged by this.
The foster mom was incredibly rude and wanted nothing to do with us. She is having a hard time and i totally understand, however i also know that i would never act that way.....i have never acted that way. I know that when we had our lil' love bug, at one point they were looking at the grandma to take her. I was never rude to her and tried to be friendly even, i would never have acted the way the foster mom did today especially in front of our lil' love bug. She needs to get over herself and do what is best for the children. This is not about her and it is not about me and brian. These boys need a home to be their forever home and whatever home they go to, i know that it is God's will. For the sake of the children i hope she will realize this and grow up!
We will go to grand junction again next weekend. We plan on having another 4 hour visit with the boys at the mall on saturday and then we will decide when and where we will have a visit on sunday.

excited with a side of nervousness

We are heading to grand junction tonight. We have a 4 hour visit with the boys tomorrow morning. I am super excited and a little nervous. I want it to go good. I sure hope the foster mom doesn't do anything crazy to make the kids cranky or jump off the walls. (not getting enough sleep, extra sugar) I wouldn't put it past her. We are going to hang out at a park and then we have access to a playroom at the CASA building. Hope i have time to blog about it tomorrow.

changing counties

Extremely bad news yesterday. I guess that since brian works for the department of housing and human services of boulder county, we can't do foster care through boulder county. They just combined the housing and human services together last year, this is something that has not come up and they are trying to figure out exactly what we have to do. They realized this while they were going through our new certification, it was overlooked earlier because they just don't think of themselves as the same department, they have nothing to do with each other and they are in separate buildings.
I have no idea what this means for us, i know that they are filing a waiver but from what i understand this is only going to let us stay with boulder county long enough for us to transfer our stuff to another county so we don't lose our certification at any time. I am not looking forward to having to transfer to another county. We have developed such strong relationships with the people in boulder county. They know us, they know who we are, what we want, they know our situation. They have been such a wonderful support to me and brian. I am scared to start in a new county. I don't know what kind of services they provide, i don't know how helpful they are, i don't know how they handle their cases. It is very upsetting, i don't like the unknown, i am not good with sudden changes. I am sick of losing, i feel like on my journey to have children, i have lost so much. Many people may not understand how this is such a huge loss for me and brian. Having our lil' love bug in our home was the most incredible experience of our lives and boulder county is an amazing part of this experience. When we lost her, they were there to support us, they have answered my calls, they have cried with me and they have encouraged us. I am so sad that we are losing them. I pray that this will all work out for the best, that this will turn into a blessing.
I have two big fears. I don't want to lose the support we have in our support group, i look forward to and depend on this time to keep me grounded and remind me of why i go through this roller coaster of emotions. I see the happy stories and i enjoy helping others with there journey. I am terrified that we will not be able to go to these groups. If we are still allowed to attend these, i hope we will still be able to relate to the foster families involved. Counties can be so different. My other fear is having to move closer to whatever county we choose. I love living in longmont. I do not like to drive, especially in bad weather. I will have to be within reasonable driving distance of whatever services we will need, depending on the children we have in our care. I am trying to stay positive right now. My husband is trying to make me see the positive possibilities. Maybe the county we go to will have more money, more services and great support. I sure hope so!

learning to move on

Today has been a rough day, it's been coming on for a week or so. I am really missing our lil' love bug, it's been about a month now since we saw her last. It was such an amazing visit, we all had such a good time and her mom sounded interested in letting us have regular visits. I really thought she was going to do the right thing for our lil' love bug, i have my doubts now. It makes me so angry, i hate having to depend on her to let me see our lil' love bug, to know that she can decide to never let us see her again. I have called several times and i have left her messages but she has not returned my calls. The caseworker saw her last week and she said that mom was going to call or e-mail, but nothing yet. I hate that i am on this emotional roller coaster still. I will figure this out one day, hopefully soon. I am just trying to FEEL these emotions, to let them come over me and be in the moment with my pain and sadness. This too shall pass.
I think i am having a hard time right now because we are getting so involved with the boys too. I know that we can't wait for our lil' love bug to come back to us, that is something that will most likely not happen. However, since her mom considered letting her come back home to us, it's hard not to think that this is a possibility. It's always there in the back of my mind and heart that her mom will once again realize that our lil' love bug would be so much happier here with me and brian. My biggest fear is that we will get these boys in our house and then her mom will decide she can't take care of our lil' love bug. I don't think it will be possible for her to come to our home if we have another placement, whether it's the boys or some other child(ren). I know that we cannot just sit around and wait for her mom to change her mind but it's so hard to close the door. I am ready to move on, it's just going to be hard. I get so excited when i think about having 3 boys in our home; how wonderful, fulfilling and amazing it is going to be! but in the same thought there is the sadness of having to close the door to our lil' love bug coming back home to us.
I know that we will be okay. I trust that whatever children come into our lives and our home, these are the children we are meant to have at that time and one day we will have the children we are meant to have as our own. I have always believed that. I believe that God will take care of our lil' love bug and i pray every night, every day, every minute that she is happy and safe. That is my only true wish, everything else is just extras. She is on my mind every single day, throughout my day and i just want her to love her life, to grow up safe and to become the amazing girl she is meant to be. If i can have visits with her and watch her grow into this amazing girl, it will be a blessing.

a little more info

So the court hearing lasted forever on friday, the court hearings we went to in boulder were like 20 minutes but this one took all day. It started at 10:00, we took a lunch break from 12:00 to 1:30 and didn't get done till 4:00! Several people took the stand, including brian. (luckily i didn't have to get up there) Brian did a great job on the stand, they asked a lot of questions about our ability to take care of the boys, our history, our relationships and what we knew about the boys. The gal was tricky and really seemed to twist or take snippets of what people said to make it sound bad. She was tough! We were surprised by the county attorney saying they were willing to have the boys placed with us, they just want to see more visits. They called both the bio dad and mom up to the stand and they made it very clear that they wanted the boys placed with us. They did a good job on the stand. The caseworker made it very clear that they did not want the kids to go home to either parent and what needs to be determined is whether the boys will be placed with us or the foster parents. We were also surprised to hear that the caseworkers present at the first visit we had with the boys noticed that the foster family made it very hard for me and brian to interact with the boys. From what we heard in the hearing, the foster mom is being very difficult and it sounds like dhs is making sure she understands she needs to let us have our visits. They've had talks with her and they sound frustrated with her. She needs to step back and allow us to have these visits and see if there is a possibility for the boys to develop an attachment to me and brian. Brian and i walked away with an amazing ego boost. Everyone had nothing but nice things to say about us, when talking about us in the visits, with the boys, our home study, feedback from our caseworkers, mesa county caseworkers, the bio parents and even the judge. It was nice to hear but it will not mean anything if they do not let the boys come with us. The last caseworker who got up on the stand seemed really frustrated with the foster mom, this caseworker was brought in to work with the foster mom in the home because the foster mom was expecting too much from the older boys and wasn't aware of normal behaviors and development. She has contact with the foster mom on a weekly basis and with the boys on a monthly basis. Luckily she is the caseworker that volunteered to be present and observe the visits we have with the boys. She seems very fair and i trust that she will accurately observe the visits and if they are going good she will make sure everyone knows and understands this. If she reports the visits are not going well, i trust that she will be telling the truth and not twisting what she sees. Overall the court went well. We can only hope that the boys do good in the visits with us in the next month. If they go good, i think the boys will be placed with us. If they don't go good, they won't be placed with us. Let's hope that is the determining factor. It can still go any way and it is all up to the judge, he can do whatever he wants.

reality

Well court did not go the way we wanted but it did go the way we expected, with a few surprises. We were shocked to hear the county attorney and dhs say they supported the idea of the boys being moved to our home, we thought this was something they were strongly against because of the bond the youngest boy seems to have with the foster mom. They actually came out and said that they feel the long term benefits of placing the youngest in our care would far outweigh the short term distress it would cause him. They have no problem placing the older two boys in our care, which is good to hear, especially since they feel all 3 boys have a good bond with each other and no one wants to split them up. Bio mom and dad both asked that the boys be place with me and brian, the only one strongly against this was the g.a.l. but even she seemed to change her tone by the end of the hearing. The county attorney, dhs and the gal all 'seemed' willing to place the boys in our care but want to see how the boys do with us for extended periods of time. The judge ruled not to place the boys with us at this time. We will return for a hearing on sept. 3rd and at that time he wants an update on how the boys are doing with us in visits. They want to make sure the boys will be able to bond with us and that we will be able to meet their needs. So.............i guess we will be making weekend trips to grand junction for the next month. The drive (and expense) is not something i am looking forward to making every weekend but is something we will have to do. It is what we sort of expected, we weren't really confident that the judge would make a final decision today, it's just been our experience that these things tend to be long, drawn out affairs. I am confident that the boys will do well with us in the visits and the caseworker who volunteered to do the visits is someone who will accurately report what she sees during her observations. I hope the boys do great with us and are eventually placed in our home but if they don't go well, if they can't form a relationship with us, or if we are not able to meet their needs; it is probably better if they are not placed in our home. I am excited about getting to spend time with the boys and getting to know them better, it sure is going to be a busy month!


I will blog more about the actual trial tomorrow, i am tired tonight but will be better rested to give 'the details' in the a.m. Night All!

a quick update

We are here in grand junction for court today, i am nervous and not sure what to expect. Sounds like the court sessions last one to two hours and we may be called to the stand for questions. So, yeah i'm a little nervous. The court hearings we went to in boulder county lasted maybe twenty minutes and seemed fairly painless. I have no idea what they talk about for two hours! I guess we'll see, the first hearing is at 10:00 and is scheduled for two hours, the second hearing is at 2:00 and is scheduled for one hour. I will let you all know what is going on as soon as we hear something and i get a chance to text, post or blog!
A little update on what's going on with our lil' love bug, i called mom after the last visit to let her know that i would like for her to come up with some kind of schedule for our visits with our lil' love bug so that she would have some consistency and maybe the goodbye part of the visits would go easier. Here we are three and half weeks later and she has not returned my call, i've called her once a week since just to 'see how your doing and wondering if we could come up with a schedule' and she hasn't answered or returned a call. Her caseworker finally visited with them wednesday and she said that everything was going good and she encouraged mom to call and set up a schedule. We'll see if mom follows through. I am hoping that she will, i think it would not only make it easier for our lil' love bug but also for mom as well (and us too!).

meeting the boys

We had a couple of visits with the boys this last week. Being able to meet the boys and see their interaction with the foster family and with each other made me believe even more that we have made the right decision in trying to get the boys into our home. The first meeting on thursday was actually really overwhelming and hard to have much interaction with the boys. The foster mom, foster dad and foster grandma were there as well as 4 caseworkers, needless to say i was overwhelmed, i can't imagine how the boys felt. The second visit went much better and i am happy we were given the opportunity to have the 2nd visit. The interaction between the boys and the foster mom and grandma was insightful, they are both overbearing and quite negative in their dealings with the children. The middle child is very timid and was scared to go on much of the playground equipment. He kept trying to go on different equipment and they kept telling him 'no, you can't do that', it was really very heartbreaking to see him go to try something and then to be told he couldn't do it without even letting him try. I could see him lose confidence every time they told him he couldn't do it. It makes me very sad for him, they did this to all 3 boys but mostly to the middle child. They were both very negative and not much encouragement and positive words were used when the boys were trying to play. The grandma was overbearing and possessive with the youngest boy, she wouldn't let him walk without her holding his hand and she didn't let him come to close to me or brian during that first visit. The boys have a very strong bond with each other. They played nicely together and wanted to play with each other. If one boy did something, the other two were right there trying to do the same thing. They encouraged each other and i could see they had a strong bond. They are all 3 so cute and we enjoyed the time we were able to spend with them. I am hoping we will hear good news when we go to the court hearings on friday.

heading to grand junction

We are heading to grand junction again this week, we will have a visit with the 3 boys on thursday. It's a long trip to make for an hour long visit! I am so nervous when dealing with mesa county social services, they are so shady and i have not felt very welcome. I don't get a good feeling from the main caseworker and i really hope we don't have to see her on thursday when we meet the boys. I am hoping it will be a case aid or another social worker. I really don't even feel very comfortable with the family therapist either. It is so different being on this side, i hope this is not the normal experience for family members. I hope that boulder county doesn't treat the family the way we have been treated. I would like to have our calls returned, i would like to not be lied to, i would hope they understand that our only interest is the best thing for these kids. I am not trying to get custody of these kids for the benefit of the bio parents. I could care less what the bio parents want, we are doing this only because we want what is best for the boys. I feel like brian and i can provide a loving and stable home for all 3 boys, we can answer their questions as they get older and we will not keep them from knowing or having contact with their bio parents. Let's hope the courts will agree and grant us custody. We have court next week so we will be heading to grand junction again.

visits

We had a wonderful 4th of July; the parade on Saturday, BBQ and fireworks on Sunday and my husband had 4 days off, but i couldn't keep our lil' love bug off my mind this weekend. She was greatly missed, i know that holidays and her birthday are going to be some of the hardest days. I just keep praying that she will come back home to us, that is a prayer i will have for the rest of my life...........until she comes back to us. Her mom seems very open to us having visits with our lil' love bug. We had a great visit with her last wednesday, we had her for 2 hours and her mom seemed comfortable with us having her longer. She even mentioned having an overnight visit. I am going to contact her and find out what she sees these visits looking like and how often she would be willing to let them happen. I don't want to take advantage of her but i will take whatever time we can get with our lil' love bug. I am going to be right there, a constant reminder of what was and also of what could be. Maybe when she has another baby in the house(november), she'll change her mind and let our lil' love bug come back to us. I look forward to the time we get with our lil' love bug and i am hoping we can set up a lot more visits!