a state of chaos

I can't believe we are going through this with our lovebug's mom again.....a year later. Mom seems very confused and torn about what she wants to do. It is getting much to hard for our lovebug. She is angry, confused, sad and is in desperate need of some stability.
Brian and i are giving her a couple of weeks and then we are going to make the decision for her. We are waiting for the caseworkers to get back from vacation, tried calling both of the ones involved during the case and they are both on vaca till next week. I am sure the case is still open but i am not positive, i want their insight and i want to make sure they know what is going on and that mom is having second thoughts once again. We also want to give mom a chance to work through her feelings, i believe she is close to making a decision and i honestly don't know what she wants to do. If she cannot make a decision then brian and i will have to decide and the only decision we can make is to end visits with our lovebug.
Our lovebug is just having such a hard time going back and forth between the two homes. She is in a state of chaos right now and it makes my heart break to see her like this. She is not the same little girl. She hits, throws fits, refuses affection and cries a lot. I can't imagine how torn up she is inside and how confused she is feeling.
She wants to be with us. She says this everytime. She cries when she goes home, like sobbing, deep in her heart crying. She tells me she wants to live with us 'all the time'. I hope her mom can see beyond her own feelings and do the right thing for our lovebug. I hope she can see how happy our lovebug is with us. I hope she will let her stay with us. If not, then the only other option is to stop our visits and let our lovebug settle into her life with her mom, whether or not that is what she really needs or wants.
The next couple of weeks will be rough.

Thy will be done

scared to tell anyone about our lovebug possibly coming home to us. I have posted it here on my blog (not sure many people read this)and i have told my mom. i just know that we have been here before, and it didn't work out the last time. she told us the same thing this last may. she wants her to be happy, she wouldn't want her with anyone else but us. we have just texted back and forth. i think it is easier for her to express herself through texts. she is not a face to face, conversation type person. we decided that our lovebug would start staying the week with us on the tuesday after christmas. i will see her on saturday and i am hoping we can have a conversation about how this is going to work, what she is expecting, what this all really means?????

i just keep waiting for the call/text telling me that she has changed her mind :(

i am having a hard time sleeping, i am nervous and i am eating everything in sight. to say the least, i am a little stressed. not that the holidays aren't stressful enough.

i just pray with all my heart, all my soul and with all that is me that our lovebug will come home to us. i pray her mom will love her enough to let her go, to allow her to be happy. i pray she will trust me and brian. i pray she has the strength and support to make this decision and be happy with it and just. let. it. happen.

life-changing day

I don't even know what to write about at this minute. I am trying to soak it all in, and decide exactly what it all means for me, brian and our family.

Isabelle's mom decided this morning that she would like for isabelle to stay with us during the week and she would spend the weekend with her mom.

The boys' parents rights were terminated today.

I am in shock right now, i don't believe it and i hope that writing it, posting it and letting you read it will make it all seem real to me.

It may take a few days.........

baggage, the continuation

Thankfully brian and i talked and we have made some decisions about the contact the boys will have with brian's mother. It is a real tough situation and i am so proud of brian for standing up for not only the boys but for himself too. It is very hard to do when the person who is doing the hurtful things is your own mother. I am lucky to have such a wonderful, strong and self confident husband and partner in my life. He has always put us first and now he is prepared to put our family first.
Brian feels the same way that i do, his mother will always see the boys as his brother's boys. I find this incredibly disrespectful. We are the ones taking care of these boys. We hold them, we love them, we are responsible for their education, we take care of them when they are sick, provide for them financially, emotionally, physically......etc. I can't even imagine someone not seeing these boys as ours. How could you think of these boys as being the children of someone who has not been able to provide for them in any sort of capacity? delusional. We talked about contact with his mother and we decided that if she wants to see the boys, she needs to come here to our house to see them. Not only his mother but the bio parents too. When the time comes for the parents to have contact with the boys, it is going to be at our house or here in our town, some place where the boys are comfortable and feel safe and secure. The boys are never going to go see their parents or their grandmother. They are going to come see them. It is very symbolic of the relationship i want the boys to have with their bio parents and grandmother. The boys have been through enough, they have had a lot put on them and they have been responsible for making their parents happy for far too long. It is now the parents turn to make the effort and they will be the ones responsible for making the drive to come see the boys. It is no longer the boy's responsibility.
I don't even know when the parents will have physical visit with the boys again. It might be awhile. I can't imagine how unstable and worried the boys must feel. They have been in our home for almost 3 months now, it is not nearly long enough for them to feel like another move will not happen. They have moved around too much and it is going to take a long time for them to be able to see their parents and not worry about having to move or have all those feelings that come with being neglected by them. They will never see their parents again and not have anxiety. I just want them to have the tools to deal with their feelings, to be able to express themselves and to work through it with our help and our love and understanding. We are not even close to that kind of understanding ~ it is going to take awhile and i want the boys prepared for when the day comes when they do see their parents or their grandmother.

baggage

I have blogged a little about how hard it is to take care of family instead of a foster child. It carries a lot of extra relationship baggage that i didn't have when caring for our lovebug. The relationship with the children's parents or the children's other family members doesn't just depend on how the children were/are treated by these people but the relationship also depends on the relationship that i have had with them in the past. I know A LOT more about the boys' family then i have ever known or will know about lovebug's family. Unfortunately, i have not had a great relationship with them in the past. It is hard to separate my feelings for 'brian's family' from 'the boys' family'. I haven't had to deal with it much yet but it is something i am going to have to deal with in the near future and i am going to have to figure out what type of a relationship i want with the boys' family and how much i want them involved with the boys. It is a lot to think about.
Surprisingly my biggest worry concerns brian's mom, the boys' grandma. Ugh. This is going to be rough. Brian's mom has never liked me. We have had our moments where we have been able to get along but it deteriorates quickly. She feels like i disrespected her in the beginning of mine and brian's relationship and she has treated me badly ever since. She literally did not say one word to me on my wedding day! Seriously. I have a lot of hurt feelings when it comes to her and after 8 years of being treated this way, i told brian two years ago that i was done trying. She refuses to apologize for any of her actions and doesn't believe she has done anything wrong. There is no way to mend a relationship when only one person is willing to do the work. I feel like i have tried and i refuse to put myself in any situation where i will be treated rudely or disrespectfully. I have been happy with my decision and i am fortunate that brian has understood my feelings. He has seen the way i have been treated and he does not expect me to 'suck it up and take it'. I have never expected or asked brian to not have a relationship with his mother, i have never given him an ultimatum to choose. He goes to his mother's house by himself and i let him have his time with his mom, he goes over there whenever he wants. He is an adult and and he can make those decisions for himself. I don't have to be there to protect him, to buffer the snide remarks and reassure him that her behavior should not affect his image of himself. This leads me to my dilemma. I don't know what kind of contact i am going to want to allow with the boys grandma, brian's mom, my mother-in-law. The boys are young and have no way to communicate if they feel uncomfortable, threatened or sad. She is very strait forward and tells you what she thinks. She doesn't hold back! She sees these boys as brian's brother's boys, and right now they are his boys. And in some way they will always be his boys. But i am hoping that one day the boys will be our boys. They are going to be my sons and brian's sons and i don't know that she will ever see it that way. She gets something in her mind and that's the way it is! I don't know what she will say to the boys or if she doesn't say it to the boys what is she going to be talking about with the grown-ups when the boys are around her? If she thinks i am disrespectful, rude and a snob and she feels like she has a right to say what she wants then what will come out of her mouth about me. Kids hear and pick up on everything. Will she think it is her place to tell the boys about their bio dad? defending him? making him sound better than he is? giving the boys false hopes and mixed up ideas? It will be an ongoing and evolving situation and it is something brian and i will have to decide together.

did i mention i'm at a loss?

I am at a total loss at this moment. I have just seen a glimpse of my future with gee and i am scared! I hope we can continue with his play therapy for the years to come because he is going to need it!
So now that i have you all wondering, let me fill you in on what he has been doing this week and PLEASE let me know if you think i am over reacting and this is normal behavior for a 4 year old. I told you all about the spitting the younger two have been doing this week. I have been at a loss. They have had time-outs, talkings and they have been spitting in the bathroom sink as consequences. Sometimes they will finish with the consequence and minutes later i am told they are doing it again. There we go back to the sink and a talk. So tonight gee brings me a toy bucket and says that banana has spit in it again! It is a lot of spit and i have been suspicious of who is actually doing the spitting since last night. So i go into the room and ask who spit in the bucket. I ask banana, no response. i ask turtle, no response. i ask gee again to tell me. He says banana again and i tell him 'i don't think banana did it'. He says turtle. I tell him 'i don't think turtle did it'. I ask him if he spit in the bucket, no response. I say 'gee, i think you are the one who spit in the bucket.' No response. Then i know that it is him, because believe me if he did not do it, he would be yelling and crying that it was not him! I had him spit in the sink, talked to him and couldn't even deal with the lying at that moment. I was astounded at the lie and the craftiness of the lie. I don't even know how to deal with this right now and i am too angry to deal with it at this moment. I am at a loss. I know kids lie but at this age it seems like the most common lies are to keep themselves out of trouble. I don't know how a child of 4 lies day after day and their goal is to get their brother in trouble. I mean seriously this happened like 4 to 5 times a day, and poor banana and turtle were the ones getting in trouble. I think back and gee was just so smug and had a 'haha' look on his face. He was so happy his brothers were getting into trouble. I am so sad for him, how angry and jealous is he that he would make up this kind of lie and execute it 4 to 5 times daily.
I don't know if it started off as a lie or if the two younger ones were spitting in the beginning and he added some extra incidents in there with the real ones. I just don't know.
It really is a crafty lie. It takes some planning and he totally set up the evidence and everything. He showed me the spit every time. He is very smart. It makes me very sad though....i don't believe him now. It is hard to believe what he tells me and it is something we are going to have to work on. I am happy i blogged about this because it has helped me to realize that if he is smart enough to come up with this little ruse then he is smart enough to understand when i sit him down and talk to him. We will definitely be discussing this in therapy this week and i need to know how exactly to handle this. HE'S ONLY 4! Oh, we have a lot of work to do for this little guy!

that's gross

We are having a problem with spitting. GROSS! The two younger boys are spitting on everything and anything and on each other! I do not know how to get them to stop. We have explained to them that the only appropriate time to spit is when they are brushing their teeth, we spit in the sink. The talks have not worked and timeouts don't seem to work for them either. I am trying something new now - everytime they are caught spitting, they clean the mess they made(washing the toy, using a towel on the floor or brother) and then they get to stand over the sink in the bathroom and spit. !!They do not like this!! Poor banana spits about twice into the sink before he starts crying, turtle spits about 10 times before he has had enough. If anyone has any ideas?!?! I would be happy to try them. We had to clean out two toy buckets today because they decided that was a fun place to spit, oh yeah, a car had to be washed also. It is truly disgusting. I don't know where they get it from, brian is not a spitter; maybe the former foster dad was a spitter. Who knows? maybe it is just something boys do, whatever the reason, it grosses me out and all i have to say is............BOYS!!(as i roll my eyes)lol

i should of known

We rushed through bath time tonight because it is the bio dad's night to call. We had the boys clean up and sit down on the couch. We waited for the call...........15 minutes later we had to explain to the boys that there was not going to be a call tonight. I felt so sad for them. They seemed to handle it okay but i know it had to be extremely upsetting. Grrr, i am so angry! Not only am i angry at the bio dad but at myself because i know better than to tell the kids they are going to get a call or a visit ahead of time. The bio dad has been so good at calling and i just didn't think he would miss his time to call. Wouldn't you know it, it was also the first time we told the kids they were getting a call!! Usually we wait till the phone actually rings before we let them know they are getting a phone call. These things always bite you in the ass when you least expect it. The bio dad said his phone wasn't working and he was trying to call and he finally got his phone to work an hour later and called to let brian know what happened. Who knows? I don't believe a word he says anymore. Once a person lies, it is difficult to believe anything they say, especially when they lie so easily and believably. It is so upsetting when you can't count on an adult to follow through with their responsibilities. How hard is it to call, one night a week!

tell the truth

It has taken me awhile to post because i just don't know how to put into words all these feelings i have for the boy's birth parents. It is much more difficult to deal with the birth parents when it is a kinship situation and not a foster care situation. I have known brian's brother for about 10 years now and i have had some interaction with the boy's birth mom. It is a crazy dynamic when you are taking care of a family member's child and not just some stranger's child. As a family member i find i expect so much more from the birth parents because of the relationship we have and i can only imagine how much brian must expect from his brother. I will say that i don't think honesty is an unreasonable expectation but it is something that i never expected (or still expect) from our love bug's mom. It is something i expect from the boy's bio parents. Now that i have been lied to, i cannot take anything they say for the truth and it makes me angry because i cannot believe anything they have told me in the past either. We would sit there in their living room and listen to them cry and pour their heart out and i cried with them and now i don't know what to believe or how much of it was an act. I feel like such a fool for believing their sob stories.
I feel like there should be some respect shown to me and brian for stepping in and giving these boys a home; a safe, loving and stable home where they will still be able to have some sort of contact with their bio parents. The bio parents would not have had the opportunity to have any contact with the boys if they had stayed with the other foster family. We have listened to the bio parents requests for information, we have let them know what the boys are doing and we have allowed weekly phone calls. We talk to them every week and brian sometimes talks to his brother more than that and then we find out he is being deceptive and lying by omission. It is disgusting and it will not happen again. Not to me. I will not allow these boys to be hurt by their bio parents, they have done enough and i will keep the contact safe and regulated. These bio parents are so incredibly selfish and immature, i will protect my boys any way i can.
I can't imagine how hard this is for brian. He loves his brother. They grew up together, they have a history together but now here he is taking care of his older brother's kids and how do you do that and still keep that family relationship with your brother? I suppose it is difficult to find your place in the family now, the whole family dynamic has changed. How do you do family functions? It is something he is going to have to find out for himself and i hope i will be able to help him. We are going to start going to the kinship support group because taking care of a family member's children is sooooo different from doing foster care. There are many questions we have, many situations that are different. We need some guidance and wisdom from those who are experiencing the same type of situation.

potty time

Our little turtle is wearing underwear. Brian actually made the plunge and decided on saturday that he had enough of buying diapers and changing poopy diapers. He started taking him to the potty every 30 minutes. I bought him some underwear and an elmo potty book (he LOVES elmo) and gave it to him as his 'going in the potty' gift, and he started wearing them saturday evening. We have had two accidents since saturday. i must say that it has gone surprisingly well. I wasn't sure he was ready but he has just taken to it, no problem! He goes all by himself and has even gone poo in the potty. It is great! I was hoping to get him potty trained this week while he was out of school and i am excited thinking that it just might happen! He wears his underwear all the time except for at night time. I am happy to say that it is him doing all the work and not me or brian who are the trained ones! That used to drive me crazy at school when parents would insist their kid was potty trained and never had accidents at home; then at school the kid would never go to the potty on their own. In those cases, it is the parent who is trained, taking the kid to the potty every 30 to 60 minutes. I am happy to say that turtle is going on his own and is doing a great job, too!!

i carry your heart

by E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you


here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart


i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)


I love this poem, it is actually in one of my favorite movies 'In Her Shoes'. It makes me cry every time but i think every one of my favorite movies has a moment that makes me cry. That's what makes them my favorite movies whether it is tears of joy or tears of sadness, i cry.
This is for my lil' love bug, my baby girl. I pray she is safe, loved and happy.

Grrrrr.......

Grrrrr........that is how this post is starting, you know it's not going to be an uplifting one! We took our lil' love bug to her mom last night. She did not want to go and wanted to stay with us. I can't imagine why she didn't want to spend the night in a hospital room with her mom and the new baby. duh. and i can't imagine what is going through her poor little brain. I think she is just so confused and she wants so badly to stay with us where she is taken care of and can be a little girl. She doesn't want to have to take care of her mom and her sister and now her baby brother. She wants to be where the grown ups in her life will put her needs first and where she can play and cry and laugh and throw a fit just because she is a little girl and trying to figure out what the hell is going on in this world around her. She shouldn't be responsible for making her mom feel loved, to keep her from being lonely and to help her take care of the younger ones. SHE'S 3 YEARS OLD! Give the baby a fricken break!!!
Mom texted me this morning "____ was throwing up again last night. We can't get the baby sick, so she can't go to your house on Friday" SERIOUSLY!?!?! You stupid cow! She threw up last week after being at our house for a couple days and she threw up last night after spending 5 days with us. hmmmmmm. if her mom was any kind of a mom and if her mom REALLY knew our lil' love bug like i do, she'd know that our lil' love bug throws up every time she is stressed out and is going through traumatic time. duh, again!
Our little girl is so scared and confused. I haven't even had a chance to talk to brian about this yet but i think we are going to have to cut down on our visits with her. I DO NOT want these visits to stress her out. She needs to know that she is going to be living with her mom and not us. I will continue to pray that she will eventually come home to live with us but for now she needs to know that her place is with her mom. I am going to do what is best for our lil' love bug. i am not going to be a source of stress for her, she gets enough of that from her mom and her family. I feel the need to continue some sort of visits though. She needs someone looking out for her and i will not let these people harm my lil' love bug! I will continue to keep my eyes open and watching out for her!

a little of this and that

What a week! We have had our lil' love bug since sunday morning and let me tell you how happy i have been!! Her mom went in tuesday evening to be induced and here we are thursday afternoon and no baby yet. The last time i heard from her was yesterday morning and no baby then, i haven't heard anything since. It just surprises me, how does she just leave our lil' love bug and not call her EVERY SINGLE DAY! I know if i had the option, that is exactly what i would do. I just don't get it. How is she going to take care of 2 girls and a baby? We'll see what happens.
Anyway, MY week has been crazy! I take the two older ones to school monday thru thursday mornings. Here is our morning: Get them all up at 6:30, change diapers and use the bathroom, dress all 4, get them to sit on the couch with cartoons while each one takes their turn brushing their teeth and i do their hair, feed them breakfast (mainly cereal), wash hands and faces, get shoes on, get coats on, pile into the van!
Then it is off to take Gee to school, unbuckle and take all four in to sign in Gee and then we pile back into the van and take turtle to school. I take all three down and into the school to sign in and drop off turtle. Then i finally get a break with the younger 2 till i have to start all over again in 2 hours.
I tell you, i LOVE nap time. This is my only time where it is quiet, it is MY time and unfortunately much of this time is spent doing laundry, dishes and anything that can be done quietly. DON'T mess with nap time. It drives me over the edge when the mailman comes at nap time (my dog is a yapper) or (like the other day) when someone doesn't understand the need for quiet at nap time and i end up with about half an hour of nap time.
Well this was a rambling post but it is kind of how i felt today.

inside

Struggling.
Finding my role, learning my path.
Dealing.
The emotions are raw, they steal my sleep.
Coping.
The days fade into night, the night rushes.
Searching.
The babies visit in my dreams.
Grasping.
I reach out, feel the way.
Hoping.
it continues..........

false alarm

Received a call this morning at like 7 a.m. and just knew that our lil' love bug's mom had gone into labor and was calling for us to watch her for a couple of days. That's the plan, when she's in the hospital, we'll watch our lil' love bug. NOPE, not the case. Mom is 3 days past her due date and is having a hard time dealing with the girls. She is having a hard time, she's stressed, tired and needed a break. So the call at 7 this morning was to see if we could watch both girls for the day while the boyfriend was at work for the day.
What?!?!? She's stressed out now? How is she going to handle two girls AND a newborn baby? A crying baby who will need SOMETHING every two hours and she has two girls who don't listen and have no boundaries and a boyfriend who does absolutely nothing!! I just continue to pray every single day that she will love our lil' love bug enough to realize that she would be better here with me and brian. I hope she can put our lil' love bug before herself and her needs and see that she deserves so much more. I pray that she will love our lil' love bug enough to keep her safe and that she won't get so overwhelmed that she starts abusing or neglecting our lil' love bug.
I just pray that our lil' love bug will be safe, happy and ultimately that she will come home to live with me and brian.

one on one

Geo started school today, he was soooo excited! Turtle started school last week and Geo was starting to feel really left out and i couldn't take another week of questions about when he was going to start! Thank goodness it has all been figured out.
So it is just me and banana in the morning. It will be interesting to see how that goes for the two of us. I am looking forward to it, i don't get to spend much one on one time with any of the boys but geo and turtle seek it out and manage to get some one on one time with me during the day. Banana is much more independent and has some issues with attachment so i know this will be a wonderful time for us to bond and work on his attachment. He depends on his brothers so much that it will be nice that it will be just the two of us for a couple hours. Maybe he can get some talking going and i can actually hear him! His brothers demand so much attention and are much more verbal (even turtle), it will be nice to hear banana talk for awhile.

getting it out

Okay, so i know i just posted less than an hour ago but this is seriously how crazy fostering is! There was a hearing today for the boys case and apparently the former foster family is still involved and they are still trying to get the boys?!?!? AND the family therapist is concerned and feels that we are not setting up the services fast enough! This from a lady who talked to me once for half an hour the first week the boys were home and last week for 2 hours. She is the same lady i called 2 weeks into having the boys and told her that i was not getting any paperwork from mesa county social services. I couldn't even meet with my boulder county caseworker because we were waiting for paperwork! We received therapy papers 2 weeks ago and i have a meeting TODAY to meet with a therapist. It is not me or brian who are dragging our feet and taking our time trying to set up appointments! I have called and called and called, trying to get the paperwork we need. We just received birth certificates, medical passport (another story), immunization records and ieps 2 weeks ago! The boys have been in our house for 7 weeks now. Grrrrr.........i am so incredibly frustrated with mesa county, my new caseworker for boulder county (not at all like my last caseworker) and that damn therapist! Everyone makes light of the fact that we have been waiting for paperwork, like it is no big deal and then we hear this crap? Both the gal and my caseworker said 'well, it's probably better that it is taking so long to get paperwork, it gives the boys a chance to settle in and they don't get overwhelmed by too many people and appointments.' I am so frustrated right now. There is really nothing we can do either. We don't have anyone representing us in court so we don't really have a say, and who wants to drive all the way to grand junction in the middle of snow time? NOT ME!
Now i am getting my information from my husband, who is getting his info from the birth dad, so who knows what this actually means, what was said in court or how it was presented. I just needed to get this down and vent a little.....

a mixture

I have a good friend from support group who is about to adopt. I have such a mixture of feelings about this. I will tell you that first and foremost, I am extremely happy for them and for them to have their forever children is a blessing.........but then there is this part of me that is so sad and i just want this so bad for me and brian. I know that my friend who is adopting soon (you know who you are) will understand that i have these feelings, it has been a long road for her as well. Every time someone announces in group that their adoption is finally happening, i am always happy for them but seeing them get to adopt only reminds me of my loss and makes me miss our lil' love bug even more. It is just a reminder of how deeply i want a child and it brings those feelings of loss to the surface once again. It is the same feeling i have when i find out someone is pregnant. Ultimately i am happy for them, but i feel my loss even deeper. If you have never experienced infertility or had a child leave you to return to their birth family, you will never know how deep the pain is in my heart and soul. It is so easy to develop a friendship with the women i have met who are experiencing or who have experienced the same frustrations and loss. They truly know what is in my heart and soul and i have been so lucky to have them in my life. It has been a long 9 years of trying to start a family. Every year or two, i experience another loss and it is getting hard to keep the optimism and hope. It is so sad that a happy time for such a good friend should bring up all these emotions, but it does.
I will be at her party on saturday and i want her to know that i will be genuinely happy and excited for her and her family. I know what it has taken to get to this point, i have heard her stories and i have felt her pain and sadness leading up to this day. It is truly a wonderful celebration!
I just hope my prayers will be answered and we will have a day to celebrate soon.

One more problem solved

The middle child, turtle likes to chew on his blanket, toys, his stuffed animals and when he wears long sleeves he likes to chew on those. It's really kinda gross! I go to pick up a toy or wash his hands and i touch something wet and full of germs, yuck!
I started giving him a teether out of the freezer. They work wonderful, i haven't seen him chewing on anything and his sleeves are dry! Woohoo. The teethers we have are super durable which is great because he has a full set of teeth and he is chewing on them all day long. I am happy that i have found a solution instead of spending my day constantly reminding him to take things out of his mouth, rolling up his sleeves and cleaning toys. One more problem solved, i am feeling accomplished........bring it on!

i'm typing, i'm editing, i'm spell checking, i'm posting.........

The oldest, gee is a talker! I cannot tell you how much this boy talks! It's no wonder the other two don't talk, they can't get a word in.lol It is funny and interesting at first but it has seriously started to wear on my nerves.
I will use a trip to the bathroom as an example: 'Lisa, i need to go potty' (okay) 'i'm going to go potty and shut the door' (okay) 'Lisa, i went potty' (okay) 'I dried my hands' (okay) 'I shut the door' (okay) This wouldn't be so bad but it is EVERY single time he uses the restroom and he must have a response after EVERY sentence or he repeats the sentence until i respond. And it is not only potty time. He is the slowest eater because he does the same thing throughout the meal.
He asks what every thing is every time he takes a bite and he must have a response or once again he repeats the question till he gets an answer.
I have learned a new trick. I just repeat everything he says back to him in the form of a question. Most of the questions he asks, he already knows the answer and most of his statements are just some form of commentary. This makes him answer his own question, he gets a response from me and it makes it much easier for me to handle! It's wonderful:)
I am not sure why this is so much easier for me or why it seems to have cut down on the questions and statements but it has and that makes me happy and not only does it make me happy but it satisfies gee's need for attention!

future contact

It is hard to decide what kind of contact is allowable and acceptable for the bio-parents to have with their children. The children need to have that contact but they also need to feel secure and safe in your home and with you. You want them to know that their parents love them, which is always the case but that their parents just couldn't take care of them. (whatever the reason) It is definitely a decision that needs to be made on a case by case basis. These children come from very different situations and you have to be comfortable with the parents enough to trust that they will not hurt the child during any future contact. It is a huge responsibility and decision to make. There is all kinds of contact and the contact you decide to make available to the parents may not be what they were expecting or wanting. Phone calls, letters, packages or visits; whether they are weekly, monthly, holidays or maybe once a year, these are the decisions that need to be made. Not only do you have to make the best decision for your kids (who are your family now) you have caseworkers, friends, family and bio family telling you what is the best thing. Why do people feel they have a say, they would never offer advice so willingly if these were our biological children. It is disrespectful and frustrating. Heaven forbid, you have grandparents, aunts or uncles come forward and want to have contact with these children! It takes a lot of patience, love and understanding to deal with so many people feeling they have a claim to your children. There is a lot of guilt when you finally make your decision and you hope that you can work through it and stick to your decision, not just for yourself but for your children.
It has to be the best thing for your family and you hope that family, friends and caseworkers will respect your decision and keep their opinions to themselves. It is your family. Sometimes it is even hard for us to to be confident with our decisions and to realize that these kids will be our family and our responsibility and we get to make those decisions. We have spent so many months getting permission to cut their hair, take them on vacation, reporting when we give them medicine, when they get hurt. It is hard to get out of the mindset that these children belong to someone else.
One day these children will be ours and we will get to make the decisions and we will no longer have to report to someone else. I pray that when that day comes, we will make the best decisions for our family and we will not have the guilt.

surprise visit

Our lil' love bug's mom called us thursday evening and asked if we could help her out by taking our lil' love bug for the night. Boyfriend was getting a vasectomy done and she thought it would be easier if our lil' love bug spent the night with us. I told her we would be more than happy to help her out and take our love bug for the night but that we would still like to have her on saturday for our scheduled visit and she said of course, no problem. So brian rushed out of the house and picked her up about 6 on thursday evening. We were so excited! She was so excited!
Our friends lent us a toddler bed (thanks cheri' and paul!) and we squeezed it into our bedroom. She was so happy to have a bed "thank-you mommy, thank-you so much". And we were thankful to have friends who would drop everything and bring over the bed in just a couple of hours.
It was wonderful having her for the evening and she just settled right in. She did great, however she did cry at bedtime and nap time. I was concerned that she was having a hard time being at our home and asked her if she was okay - yes, are you sad - no, do you miss mommy jessica - no, are you scared - yes. I finally figured out she wanted the light left on! Poor baby. I am sure she is not on any kind of a bedtime, nap or even a mealtime schedule. It has got to be so scary for her and hard for her to feel secure and safe when she doesn't know what to expect next in her home and then she comes to my home and we have a schedule for our whole day.
We were planning on taking her home on friday evening. Her mom called and i could tell she wanted us to keep her another night. She kept talking about how they are staying at the boyfriend's parents house and how she had to drive into boulder to get our lil' love bug and then she would have to drive back into town so we could pick her up saturday morning. I asked if she wanted us to keep her another night and she said 'that would be great, i was wondering if you would want to do that' I said 'of course, anything to make it easier for you'. So we got to keep our lil' love bug for another night and we took her home saturday evening!
We had a wonderful time with her and she had so much fun. It was interesting to see her for a longer period of time, i could see a lot more of her personality. She is a little helper, getting me diapers and wipes for the boys. She must not have many rules or boundaries at home, which i have suspected and i've seen during my short visits to her home. I had to repeat myself a lot when i asked her to do something like sit down and wait or go play in the room, simple directions that she chose to ignore. She is still very silly and likes to make us laugh. She is loving, shy and i can see she still has some insecurities and is scared around large crowds of people and a lot of noise.
I am expecting that we will get a call from her mom on the day she goes into labor and hopefully we will get her for a few days then too. I am thankful that she calls and trust us to take care of our lil love bug and hope that she will continue to call us and trust us. It really surprises me that she is so willing to let her come and spend that much time with us. I would miss her so much. It amazes me but i am thankful.

building the parental bond

If you have had the privilege and the ability to take care of foster children, then you know that just because these children are placed in your home, doesn't mean you have an instant parental bond and love with them. It takes time and a lot of work. It is what i am trying to remind myself. I have so much love for our lil' love bug and i feel this guilt when i think about the way i feel towards the boys. I love the boys and i am so happy they are in my home, but that parental love and bond isn't there yet. I remind myself that it will take time, it didn't come to me immediately with our lil' love bug either.
When you think about it, a mother is pregnant for 9 months, the parents have this time to get used to the idea of having a new one in the house, they get to bond with the baby and prepare for the coming of this child. They buy clothes, diapers, get the nursery ready, they can talk and sing to the baby, they eat for the baby and take care of each other.......all of this in preparation for this child that will take 9 months to grow and eventually enter the world. Then these babies are born and are totally dependent on you and this just reinforces that bond between the baby and parents. They sleep a lot and their needs are minimal......feed me, change me, hold me, help me sleep and love me. It gives the parents and baby the opportunity to grow together. You learn your child's likes and dislikes, what their cries mean and how to help them when they need you. It has got to be a wonderful experience, to grow with your child like that, to get to know each other so intensely and intimately.
Doing foster care, you don't get the ability to 'grow into' being a parent. You get a call and the child is in your home hours later. Even in our case with the boys, we did not know we were going to get the boys till court and there we were picking them up 2 hours later and bringing them home. There you go......instant family of 3!
The reality is that if you do foster care, you don't know who you are going to get. You can request a certain age or sex but chances are you will get calls for a wide range of ages and either gender. We learned this when we got our first placement, our lil' love bug. I had her room decorated for a baby, we had asked for a child 1 or younger. She was 14 months old and many of the toys i had stocked up on were for a baby. She was not interested or was too big to fit in them. I had a swing, an excersaucer and rattles! She was way beyond all of that! Not to mention the fact that we planned on fostering 1 child and here we are with 3, you never know where this foster care roller coaster is going to take you!
These children come to you with their likes and dislikes and it is a puzzle you as the parent spend the next year (if you actually get to keep them in your home for that long) trying to figure out. You have to learn what foods they like or don't like, heaven forbid you make a whole meal and they gag on all of it! Are they afraid of the dark? Do they like their bedroom door open? Nightmares? How long do they sleep? What time are they used to going to bed? wake up? Do they sleep with a special animal, in a twin bed, toddler bed, crib? Those are just some of the bedtime questions!
It is overwhelming at first, and it takes time to figure these things out. It takes time to build that bond between you and them, you learn these things as you go. You do get to grow together but it is definitely a different experience and it is a much rougher road to walk. You try to get it right and you try to love them like your own, but it feels more like doing day care for awhile. The parental love will come with time, it just might take the nine months or so.
And don't forget you are trying to build this bond with these children after they have been through a traumatic experience and have already been let down by their parents. There is already a mistrust of adults so not only are you trying to build a loving bond but trying to build it while helping them build themselves back up and through their trauma.
We are at the beginning of this process, it will take time and a lot of work not only from us but from the boys.

I'm tired.....

Trying to find the motivation to keep the boys active, happy and learning new things. I am exhausted right now and they do such a great job at keeping each other busy and playing together. I realize my need to interact and involve myself in their play but i am having some medical problems right now and hope that i can get it resolved soon so i can get back to feeling 'normal'. My blood level is real low again (average is 14, i am at 8.7) My doctor would normally request a blood transfusion but since i have chronic anemia and my body is used to running low, she let me have the option of going to the blood specialist and seeing what he can do for me first, last time i got an iron infusion.

Some of the symptoms of iron deficiency anemia:

*Weakness, fatigue, or lack of stamina
*Shortness of breath during exercise
*Headache
*Difficulty concentrating
*Irritability
*Dizziness
*Pale skin
*Craving substances that are not food (pica). In particular, a craving for ice
*Rapid heartbeat
*Brittle fingernails and toenails
*Cracked lips
*Muscle pain during exercise

Okay, so i have about 9 out 12 of these symptoms. I already mentioned my lack of stamina right now. I definitely have shortness of breath! I have been waking up with headaches every day. I have had such a hard time writing my blog lately because i just can't sit and concentrate long enough to write (this is taking me close to 2 hours to write!) I can't tell if it is the stress of having 3 new family members in our home or the lack of blood that is making me so irritable. I have had a few dizzy spells, i try not to stand up too quickly. I am buying a bag of ice from sonic every week! It is awful, i chew so much my teeth sometimes hurt. My nails look like crap, and i get muscle cramps just sitting.
I feel so awful that the boys are not getting the 'real' me. I find that i am cranky and little things annoy me, things that wouldn't normally bother me. I want to play games with them, paint and break out the sensory stuff but i feel so damn tired all the time, i use the energy i do have to make sure they are clean, well fed and we don't live in a pig sty. It takes all i have to get out of bed in the morning, i just want to lay there all day. I can't, i'm a mom once again and mom's don't have the luxury of laying in bed and taking a day off.
I pray i will get this resolved in the next couple of weeks, i want to be the best mom i can be and right now i am not happy with the job i am doing.

a little about banana

We don't really call the youngest banana but i LOVE the way he says banana so for my blog i will call him banana.
Banana has a lot of attachment issues and i can see that he will need the most work in getting him to feel comfortable here in our home. I don't know a lot of what to look for as far as his attachment goes but i know that the therapist he had in mesa county seemed very concerned. She is concerned because she feels that banana doesn't seem to have the tools to calm himself in a stressful situation, he has never formed a healthy attachment with a caregiver and therefore will take a lot of work to form an attachment with me and brian. I have noticed great changes in him so far and hope that once we start therapy he will be able to make even more progress.
He started calling me momma about 2 days ago and the first time he did it was super cute. The boys were eating breakfast and i was in the kitchen. He started yelling momma, momma, momma and i thought 'hmmm, i wonder if he's calling me or trying to say something else.' I came around the corner and he got the biggest smile on his face! It was so cute, it was like he was trying it out and seeing if i would respond to him calling me momma. He has called me momma now a few times and he just smiles so big when i respond. The other two are not calling me momma yet, turtle has tried it out a couple times but is not consistent and gee still calls me lisa.
Banana just started walking not too long ago. He was not sitting up or crawling when he was taken from his bio mom at 13 months old, he has made huge progress. He is 2 now but i find his motor skills to be more around a 1 year old, he is unsure on his feet and falls quite a bit. He doesn't do too good on stairs and often will sit to go down them rather than walk. He has made great progress in just a year and i can't wait for him to start some therapy, i am sure he will catch up soon!
He plays on his own most of the time and doesn't interact with his brothers much, however, he depends on them to be near him. He needs them for emotional support but has not developed the ability to play with them, that will come with time. His play is still very much like a 1 year old and i am sure that once he has the chance to feel secure, loved and safe he will start to put himself out there and play with other children, it really is a learned skill and it will be exciting to see all the things he is going to learn in our home.
He seems to be used to having the rule of the house, he hits his brothers a lot and has bitten turtle twice. He throws and takes away toys and thinks it is very funny when he gets in trouble. He gives me a big grin, almost like he is expecting me to laugh at his behavior. I think he got away with a lot of inappropriate behavior in his previous foster home. He was in the home the longest, he came into the home as a baby and needed a lot of extra care and unfortunately he received little discipline. It is something we are working on, appropriate behavior and consequences for inappropriate behavior.
We definitely have our work cut out for us with these three little boys. I am so happy they are in our home, though. I feel like me and brian will be able to make a big difference in their lives and we love them so much already. I know that our love will grow with them everyday and i am looking forward to starting our therapies and hopefully preschool for the oldest. It is exciting and i sure hope they will get to stay in our home and we will have the opportunity to adopt them. They are wonderful boys and just need parents that are willing to work with them, love them, care for them, make them feel secure and safe and a home and family that will be theirs forever.

a little about our turtle

I am going to tell you what i have learned about the middle boy so far.
I have started calling him turtle, he can be so slow sometimes! He is especially slow when we are getting into the car to go somewhere and i will ask him to move faster and he deliberately slows down. He is very smart and he tries to express himself any way he can!
He is a real sweetheart and was the first one of the boys to initiate affection. He started to come up and lay his head in our laps when we were sitting on the couch. He will sit with us and cuddle up, something neither of the other boys have done with me. He seems very sensitive.
He has very little verbal skills and it surprises me that he did not have therapy set up sooner. He was in speech therapy for only a month or two before coming to our home. He has learned to communicate with hand gestures and sound effects, he really only has about 20 words total so it is surprising that he is able to get his point across so well. Turtle's facial expressions are so fun to see, he is very expressive and again i think it is something he has developed to help him compensate for his lack of verbal skills.
He has really started to test me and brian, acting out and not listening. He is very deliberate in his actions and definitely understands when he is misbehaving. It is his way of getting attention, as i said in the earlier post his older brother is so verbal that turtle needs to find a way to get himself noticed. It is something i need to be aware of; that he needs to have the attention before he starts misbehaving. Gee takes up so much of my energy with his constant talking that it is easy to forget about turtle. I am aware of turtles need for attention and hope that i can meet his needs and that once we start our therapies it will be easier to give him some one on one time.
He is very timid in his gross motor play but has made huge strides since being in our home and i think he just needed some encouragement and someone who would be there to help him. He was scared and held back when playing on playground equipment and now he will at least try and plays on his own more, not needing someone to constantly hold his hand. It gives me great hope that brian and i will be able to help him immensely, considering he has made such big strides in just a few weeks. I am excited to see how well he will do in months and then years!:)

a little about 'Gee'

I am so busy! I am hoping it will settle down here soon. It will be nice to get into a routine.
I am going to try and post about each of the boys separately these next few days. They are so wonderful and i am getting to know them more and more. It is fun and interesting! I hope i will find the time to post more consistently.
I'd like to tell you a little about the oldest. I am going to refer to him as Gee. Gee is an amazing little guy and i can see he has carried a lot of pain and responsibility in his short 4 years. He is a people pleaser and it breaks my heart to see him try so hard to make everyone happy. A lot of the reports we received before we met the boys was that he hit and acted out a lot. I haven't seen that yet, he tries so hard to do everything right and to be a 'good' boy. He is still getting to know us better and i can tell he is worried about having to move again. We are the third home he has been in since he was taken away a year ago. He is trying so hard to be on his best behavior, he is so scared he will have to move. I am sure he thinks it is his fault that he has had to move to so many different homes. It makes you wonder what is going on in their little minds. The therapist stated that he felt he was a naughty boy and the last foster mom seemed to have no patience for him. It makes me so sad to think that he blames himself.
Gee definitely takes care of his brothers. He tries so hard to keep them happy and gets upset when he sees them cry. It should not be his responsibility to take care of his brothers, he needs the time and space to be a 4 year old little boy. The 3 of them depend so much on each other and they are the only constants in each others lives. I can understand how strong that bond has to be for these 3 boys but it makes me sad to think that the oldest has taken on so many of the parenting responsibilities and i hope that he can learn to trust me and brian to be the parents so he can relax and be a child once again.
Gee needs constant reassurance that what he is doing is 'good' behavior and that we approve of his actions. It's like he is giving a commentary on every single action he takes throughout his day. It is the hardest thing for me to deal with, and i am hoping i can get some help in dealing with his need to have constant feedback. He demands so much attention and will keep talking till he gets a reply, it is frustrating because his brothers have speech delays and it is very easy for gee to get the attention by talking over or for his brothers.
Gee is a very loving little guy. He gives hugs and kisses willingly and indiscriminately. It is wonderful to see him so lovable but it is also an indication that he has not been able to establish a healthy attachment to a caregiver. He does not have a fear of strangers which is dangerous. I hope that with therapy and a safe and steady home, he will learn to value himself and not be so willing to give his love to just anyone; not knowing if the person he is giving his hugs and kisses to will hurt him or not.
Gee is a super smart boy and it is amazing that he has been able to retain what he has learned up till now, especially since he has gone through so much emotionally. I am excited to see how much he can learn when he finally feels safe and secure in a home and with a family he can call his forever.

thankful

I have been truly blessed with many wonderful friends and family. It is hard for most people to understand how financially straining it is to foster children. It is not something that people go into to make money. We have been very lucky these last two weeks that so many people have been so kind and giving with their time, money and concerns.

My mom has helped us immensely! We could not have made all these trips back and forth to grand junction without her help. We would not have these boys if she had not let us use her car every weekend and helped us financially. She has been AMAZING!

My brother scot watched the boys for us on the day brian had his surgery and i am so thankful he was able and willing to help us out. It was wonderful that i was able to be there for brian the day of his surgery. It would have been awfully stressful and hard to take care of him if i didn't have my brother here to watch the boys.

My friend loretta and her husband steve have spent their time and money buying clothes for the boys, i am so thankful! The foster mom sent the worst clothes and i am sure she did not send all their clothes either. It is something they desperately need. My friend lives in south dakota and hasn't even met the boys but her and her husband have been so kind and giving and can't wait to get our packages in the mail!

My sister has given me clothes for the boys and i am so thankful for her going through her clothes and taking the time to send me what we can use.

Brian's brother mike and his wife carolyn let us use their pacifica for a few weeks and luckily we had it the last time we went to grand junction so we could bring home the boys and all their stuff! They also put two new tires on our car ~ how wonderful is that! I have not had to buy diapers or wipes yet because carolyn gave us a box! It has helped so much.

A total stranger to us gave us a gift card to target! My mom had a co-worker ask her if we had the boys (i'm sure my mom has shared our story with many of her co-workers!lol) she said yes and he gave her the card "hope this helps a little". WOW! I am humbled.

I am so thankful, i cannot say this enough! We will receive a monthly stipend for each child from the state, it helps but it is not enough to make doing foster care a money maker career!lol We also have not received a single cent so far and probably won't till the middle of October or later. That is why all this help is so wonderful and is truly appreciated.

Getting to know you

I am getting into a routine and it is going quite smoothly. I am enjoying the time with the boys. They are starting to get comfortable and we are having a lot of fun together. It is interesting to see their personalities and how they play together.
The oldest is a great helper and takes care of his brothers. It was really nice the first few days, he let me know what the other two were doing and he is able to interpret what the middle boy is trying to say to me. He really loves his younger brothers and takes good care of them. It is sad to see him though. It was really obvious during the transition at the county building. The youngest started to cry and he went straight to jumping, making faces and doing anything he could to stop him from crying. It really broke my heart that this little 4 year old feels so much responsibility for his brothers. I pray that he will become comfortable enough in our home that he will be able to be a little boy again. He also needs constant attention and it is pretty easy for him to get it since he is the only verbal one. It is hard for him to give the other two boys some space and let them get some attention of their own. It is something we are going to have to work on and it is something i am going to need some help trying to figure out how to balance giving attention to all three.
The middle child is 3 years old and has very little verbal skills. He is able to get across what he wants or needs by using hand motions, partial words and his older brother helping him out. It has got to be very frustrating and it is sad for me to see him trying to communicate, especially when i can't understand him. He doesn't really have any words, he tries to say words and i have learned to identify what words he is using for certain things. He uses the word me A LOT! Every time his older brother says something he will say 'me', meaning he did, made, or wants to do the same thing. He says wawa for dog, ar for car, wauwau is for water.
He likes to argue! When i say something he automatically will say 'no'. It is something i need to make sure i don't get caught up in. It is so easy to start a yes and no back and forth. He teases his older brother and likes to take his toys or touch his plate at mealtime. It is a way to get attention. I hope we can get him into speech therapy soon. It will help him immensely. He is a funny little guy and has some silly faces, he is very expressive and it is really cute.
The youngest little guy is very quiet and spends most of playtime playing by himself. He can get really quiet and i see moments where he disconnects from what is going on, he also has a hard time making eye contact. I sure hope we can get him some therapy soon. He definitely has an insecure attachment. He also isn't very verbal and doesn't have the ability to get his point across the way the middle child is able to. He sure is a cutie and thinks brian is hilarious! It is so funny, it doesn't matter what brian says, he will just crack up laughing. He has a great laugh! He is very unsure on his feet still and i have to remember that he still needs a lot of help walking, something i wouldn't expect to have to do with a 2 year old.
The boys are great and i am enjoying spending my day with them.

our weekend

Well the boys are here and making this their home. The oldest was real sad friday evening on the car ride home. He started to cry and said he wanted to go back home. It was sad to see his little face, he was determined he wanted to go back. I kept reassuring him that he was going to be safe and that we loved them. It was heart wrenching. He has had maybe two other moments when he has been sad but we just keep reassuring him he is safe and that we will take care of him because we love him and his brothers. The middle boy does not have very good verbal skills and has a hard time communicating. He has done okay so far and has not had any meltdowns or visibly sad moments. The youngest has done surprisingly well. He had a rough day yesterday. He cried a total of 3 times and it takes a little while to calm him down once he gets to crying. He doesn't like loud noises ~ i discovered this during the bronco game yesterday. (That's going to be rough, isabelle was always right there with us yelling and cheering) So that was one of the times he started to cry and it took awhile to calm him down. Then last night he cried for almost an hour at bedtime. Brian and i took turns holding and rocking him until he finally calmed down.
Overall they have done great, especially since they have gone through so much recently. It could be a lot worse! They have done fine meeting our friends and family so far and that is good. Hopefully they will get to meet everyone in the coming months.

Finally...........a decision :)

Wow! I finally have a chance to get some of what happened yesterday out and onto my blog! (now it's two days ago!) So, we went to court and everyone sounded like they were sure the boys were going to come home with us. I knew we had a pretty good chance but was surprised to hear everyone talk like it was a done deal! The foster dad talked to brian and it was very sad and upsetting. (of course foster mom did not show up) He was real upset but it was nice that he was able to give us some pointers on what the boys liked to do with him (fishing, hang out in the garage, etc.) He has always been very nice to us and it was heart wrenching to know that they were ready to watch the boys leave their home. It really is too bad that the foster mom wasn't more like the foster dad, the boys could still be in their home! I have to remind myself this, because it was hard to know that because of us, these boys were being taken from a foster family who were going to be very upset and sad to see them go. It's all about choices and unfortunately the foster mom has not made good choices. Thank goodness we stepped forward, the foster family home was not a stable and safe home for the boys.
Court was awful to listen to, the foster mom was worse than i thought. She sounds mentally unstable and is dealing with a lot of grief and loss (may have lost a child in December). I sure hope they can get her some counseling, although it sounds like she has refused any kind of help so far. She is not a very loving and demonstrative caregiver. She is stand-offish with the boys and doesn't give much in the way of hugs and kisses. She is rigid and has set rules and the boys need to follow them, no matter what issues they may have because of the severe amount of neglect they have experienced in their short lives. The therapist was shocked and genuinely upset by her inappropriate behavior. They had attachment observations with her and the oldest and youngest child and she was horrendous! The therapist says that people are usually on their best behavior because they know they are being watched and she was surprised to see her emotionally unavailable and to hear her comments.During the observation with the oldest, she was play wrestling/tickling him and it was the one time the therapist saw her physically engage and show emotion with him. He went to do the same thing to her (tickle) and she grabbed his hand and said 'no touching'. They continued to interact during the observation and she joked with him 'you are mean, i'm going to trade you in for another child'. I couldn't believe it! I think i actually gasped and then i couldn't stop from crying. It was the last straw. The therapist said that the youngest does not have a healthy attachment to the foster mom like she thought he had initially. She has not been able to foster an emotionally healthy relationship with any of the boys. It is really very sad and i am thankful that we were able to step in and provide a home for these boys.
It is because of the foster mom's recent and past behavior that we could not do a transition. She could not handle it emotionally and it would have been worse for the boys. It is really very sad that she could not think of the boys well being and do what was best for them. Everyone who testified and had a chance to speak all said that a transition of some sort is best but that in this situation it was not going to be possible. Court was over at 12 and the foster mom brought the boys to the county building at 2, she didn't even bring them into the building. She was so angry, she refused to have contact with any of the caseworkers or therapists. It would have been nice if she could have made this easier for the boys and reassured them that they were going to be safe in our home and showed them that she was happy for them. (even if she wasn't) It wasn't about her, it's about the boys and i can't believe that there are foster parents out there who cannot put the children's needs ahead of everything else. I would have liked to know their schedule, their likes and dislikes, what they like to play with, how they sleep, favorite foods..............it would have been nice to have any kind of information. It really is too bad.
The bio parents and the boys maternal grandparents all came to the county building to say goodbye to the boys and that was a little crazy. It was definitely overwhelming. They were right up in the boys faces; hugging and kissing them and the little one could not really handle it. He was pretty upset anyway but then with all the commotion we could not get him to calm down and stop crying. Everyone was trying to take pictures, we needed to sign paperwork. It was a lot for everyone to take in, especially in such a short period of time. It is good that the parents got to say goodbye though. They were still having weekly visits with the boys and now the visits are suspended for at least 3 months. They can call and send letters/packages but they will not be allowed to visit with the children.
I really want to get this posted, so i am going to end this now. I hope i will have time to post again soon.

no transition?

We were concerned that mesa county may not do a transition if the judge decides to send the boys with us. We received a call asking if we would be ready for the boys this weekend and as i said in my last post - we are scrambling to make sure we at least have beds for them. It will all work out. At least that's what everyone keeps telling me. I am such a perfectionist and love to have things in place. I hate it when people tell me to calm down and it will all work out. (drives me seriously crazy!) I am an organizer and like everything to have it's place and i don't like to be last minute planning, hoping it will all come together! So anyway, back to the transition. I was upset thinking mesa county was doing it again,(or not doing it, their job that is) but after talking to the caseworker i can understand the need to just move the boys if that is what the judge decides to do. The foster mom has already been uncooperative, rude and a hindrance to the whole process so far. (in general a BIG pain in my ass!)They are afraid that she will just make a transition worse and harder for the boys and she won't be able to handle it. A grown-ass woman! I tell you what, this lady is a piece of work and i bet mesa county is sorry they ever approved her home for foster care! So the caseworker and therapist think that a transition is not a good idea and they will probably move the boys to our house with no transition. They all said that this is not ideal, that a transition is usually the best thing. It is going to be hard on the boys to move with not much warning but unfortunately the foster mom has left them with no other choice. So depending on how court goes on friday, we may be coming home with 3 boys!

Still looking for bunk beds!

scrambling

We got a call today.......sounds like the boys are most likely going to be placed with us. Of course, i am not counting on this. It's the nature of foster care, until it happens, don't count on it happening. The mesa county caseworker wants to talk to our caseworker and make sure we will have resources available for the boys therapy and other services they need. The caseworker made it sound like the boys could come to us as soon as this weekend! What the...............i don't have anything! I have held out on getting anything because i didn't want to get all this boy stuff and then end up with a room full of stuff and no boys to use it. Then i'd have a broken heart and a bunch of stuff to just remind me. However, now we are scrambling to get beds (first of all) and then who knows what else we will need for the boys. I don't know what the foster mom will send, she is going to be so angry if the boys end up coming with us, i can't imagine her sending much.(she's that kind of person) We will figure something out, i'm sure. I would really like to have bunk beds for the boys though. The room they will be sharing isn't big enough for separate beds.
If anyone has bunk beds we can have for super cheap, please let me know. We could really use them! WOW! I could end up with a houseful soon!

sticking to it

My last post was one of those posts i love to write, it was positive and really showed what i hold in my heart and what i believe in. Saying that, it is also one of those posts i have to look back on several times because it is hard to stay in the positive and leave everything to God. It is great to have a philosophy but to hold to it is another thing. I can't tell you how many times i have cried, screamed and been so angry and sad i felt like i couldn't do this another second. It is a constant struggle to stick to my beliefs and i have to remind myself all the time that this is not about just me and brian and what we want but about the children and their bio families too. It is never easy to hand everything over to God, it is something that you have to choose every day and believe me it is easy to forget. I have been in that place over the last two years, that place where i forget that i am not the one who is in control. It is a hard road when i am in that place, those are the times where i am screaming, crying and so angry i lose myself. I can only control my actions and what i feel and how i react. I cannot control anything else and that is the hard part, but isn't that the truth not only in foster care but in life.

Our foster care philosophy

Many people have suggested that we get a lawyer. It is something brian and i have discussed many times and we always come to the same conclusion. We entered into foster care wanting to adopt a child. We never came into this thinking we would take some one's child away from them. We wanted a child who needed a home and if our home was the right home, then God would place that child here with us. That has always been our philosophy. As a foster parent, we don't always get the whole story. We don't have the training, we don't have the facts, we don't get to see the children with the other parents. We did not go into foster care thinking we were the ones who are responsible for making the decisions. I have to trust that the caseworkers, therapists, judges and all those working on a case, know their job and will do their job. If they don't, that is on them. Not me! I can't sit here and think i know the best place for a child, when i don't have all the information. As foster parents and even as kinship care, we don't get the same information that the judge and caseworker get. I honestly believe that God will choose what children belong in my home and i trust that God will guide those involved in making the decision. It is ultimately his decision and nothing i do is going to change that. I pray every night for the people involved in both of our cases. I pray for our lil' love bug's mom and family, for her caseworker and i pray for the judge and caseworkers involved in the boys' case. I know that this is the only real power i have, trusting in God. He will make the final decision and he will guide those involved.
Could you imagine how awful it would feel if i felt i could control the situation and then it didn't go the way i felt it should? Such disappointment, what a feeling of failure and the guilt! I couldn't continue to do foster care with those types of issues! I would be a mess. I cannot dwell on what could have been, it is obviously not in God's plan. I have to move on and in doing that i have discovered my new role in our lil' love bug's life. We are having visits with her once a week (and more often if i can). She is going to be a part of my life as long as God sees the need and who knows what the future holds for our relationship. I trust God's plan, whatever that turns out to be.
I trust that the decision that is made on the 20th will be the decision that is meant to be made. God knows where he wants the boys and brian and i have done everything we can to make sure that the judge and caseworkers know that our home is a good home, that we want these boys and that we are willing to make the sacrifices needed to take care of them. I can go to sleep at night knowing that we have done our part.
No one gets to choose what children they will have, it is all in God's hands and that is where i choose to leave my trust and that is who i choose to depend on to make the decision..........God.

Leave it to Mesa County

Leave it to mesa county! I have had two of the worst experiences in the last two days with mesa county, i can't even believe how unprofessional and disrespectful these people are! Let me tell you:
Yesterday they had the one year foster care review scheduled with the state, we received a letter inviting us to attend and if we could not make it, then they would call us in on a conference call. We let them know that we could not make it but that we would like to be conferenced in. They called us and then they tried to call the foster mom. Yes! the foster mom could not make it! and she lives in grand junction! They could not figure out how to get us both on the phone at the same time so they said they would get the information they needed from the foster mom and then they would call us and let us have our turn. So we waited.....and waited......and waited. Finally over an hour later brian's brother calls and says that they forgot about us, the caseworker had to go to court and she told brian's brother to let us know that she would call us today. (still no call) The state guy asked about us and she told him that we didn't need to be a part of the meeting, we were not primary to the case. So why the hell did we get an invite to the damn thing?!?!? I can't tell you how angry brian and i were last night. As far as they know, brian had to take time from work to be a part of this call. And you don't just leave people waiting for a call for over an hour. Once again, mesa county and the caseworker involved in our case have shown us just how rude, disrespectful and inconsiderate they can be to people. I am still angry about this and can't believe they are okay with treating people this way, this is not the last they have heard from us about this incident. We are letting much more important people than the caseworker know that this behavior and treatment of people is not acceptable. These people work for the county and ultimately they get state and federal money to run their program. They will be hearing from me and brian! Okay, enough about that.
So today we had the attachment observation with the youngest. It was a very stressful situation, handled very differently from the observation we had done here in boulder county (have i said how much i love and appreciate boulder county?!?!). The foster mom dropped the little guy off in the room. She is very abrupt, no comfort for him, in no way is she helpful in making the exchange easy or pleasant. The poor little guy cried off and on the whole time and really, honestly, i have no idea what they saw or observed as far as his attachment. The therapist reassured us that it wasn't so much to see how we react to or with him it was more to observe how he deals with attachment and a stressful situation involving attachment. I don't know, it's hard for me to trust these people, they have not proven to me they can be trusted (see above)! So, the whole thing was pretty stressful for him, brian was asked to leave the room about 15 minutes into it, to see how the little guy reacted to that, and then he came back in we tried to keep the little guy distracted and calm him down. Then i guess they decided to end the observation. No one told me they were going to end and all of a sudden the foster mom walks in, LITERALLY grabs the little guy out of my arms as i am holding him, makes a rude comment i fortunately didn't hear and walks out. I was left sitting on the floor in utter shock! I have never had an exchange with a child like that. I am still in shock and can't believe this lady is allowed to act this way and take care of foster children! I then find out from brian that the whole time we were in the room, the foster mom was standing outside the door! Is there no privacy, is there no respect! These boys are not her boys! She has no legal guardianship! She has no rights! How can she sit outside the door the whole time we are having our observation done and no one tells her to go wait in the lobby?!?! That poor little guy now thinks we are the awful people who made him sit in this tiny room, we are the bad guys. He takes his cues from her and she treats us like shit, so what is he to think of us? I am livid! and i sure hope the therapist understood how inappropriate the foster mom's actions were today.
This foster mom is the worst foster parent i have ever met, and i hope this is not an indication of the type of people that foster in mesa county. I hope that everyone sees her for what she truly is.....a selfish, angry, disrespectful and awful parent. If she treats us this way in front of the boys, caseworkers and therapists...what does she say about us in her home, in front of the boys. No wonder the little guy cries. This lady is going to have to deal with the repercussions of the way she treats people, sooner or later. If she gets the boys, she will have to answer their questions one day and i can guarantee they will come looking for their family and we will be here waiting with answers to their questions. And if we get the boys, i hope she realizes that the only reason she lost them was because of the way she has treated us from the very beginning. I hope she can sleep well at night, she is a miserable person and obviously does not have the best interest of the boys in mind. She would not be making this experience harder on them if she did. She would be trying to make this as easy for them as she could.
That is what brian told the therapist today, 'We will take the bumps in the road for these boys, so they don't have to take them.' Hear that mesa county foster mom, THAT'S how you be a parent!

honey, honey

What a wonderful visit with our lil' love bug yesterday! She was so excited to see us, as usual. She just jumps up and down all over, laughing, giggling, screaming and she is ready to walk out the door! I picked her up and brought her to our home for the first time since she left. I could tell she was looking and trying to figure out exactly why she knew the house. Jasmine and stitch were so happy to see her and jumped all over her, making her laugh, they couldn't stop licking her. She wanted to use the bathroom first thing and started checking out everything and in there, looking at the shower and bath and asked me if she could take a bath. I told her sure but not right this minute.lol She is so funny. We had a wonderful time with her, she loved seeing her room. She would tell me "i'm going to play in my room" and then off she'd go. I went to play with her and she said i could go. She loved having that space all to herself. She helped us to make dinner and we made her favorite dinner, at least it was her favorite one when she lived with us - tacos! She ate great. We watched oompa loompas and honey, honey - that's willy wonka and the chocolate factory and mamma mia. She still watches bits and pieces as she moves around, playing and doing other things. She didn't want to leave brian's side. We took her home and she was so sad, it breaks my heart every time we have to say goodbye, she cries and I just want to keep her with me forever. We scheduled a visit for next Thursday and her mom said that the shorter the time between visits, the better. I look forward to spending time with our lil' love bug!

update

We will have our lil' love bug again on wednesday for a visit. This time we are bringing her to our house. I am really nervous about this, i hope she does good, and it isn't too hard for her to go back to her home after the visit. I am so excited for her to see the dogs, i know they are going to be so happy and excited themselves! Her and jazzy were such great buddies and even though stitch did not like her to touch him, he loved her! Needless to say, i am looking forward to wednesday!
We were supposed to have a visit with the boys on saturday, but brian ended up having bad sciatic nerve problems. I sure hope that this will not hurt us. It couldn't come at a worse time, here we are close to a decision, the foster parents getting a lawyer, and we need to do the attachment assessment. We have a lot on our plates and i think brian's body is just reacting to the stress. Unfortunately brian hurt his back yesterday, he was getting dressed and ended up with severe back pain. He can barely walk today and he is uncomfortable and in pain no matter if he is sitting, standing, walking, laying down. It just seems to be getting worse, lets hope we can go to the specialist today and get some answers.
I hope he can get the pain under control enough so we can make the trip to grand junction on friday for the attachment observation and hopefully court. Still no word on what will happen with court. The lawyers for the foster parents filed a continuance but the judge has not ruled on it yet. Let's hope he denies it! and we can have court on friday and hopefully a decision.

lawyers, lawyers, lawyers

I am really sick of trying to stay positive. The foster parents decided to get a lawyer and now we may not need to go to grand junction for court next week. I am so tired of this, i thought we would have a decision. I am tired, mentally tired. They are doing attachment observations right now. We did these with our lil' love bug but they did nothing to help us. I hope they will not help the foster parents. I honestly don't feel like these foster parents would provide a good home for the boys.
I was looking forward to a decision and then we could stop making these visits to grand junction. The boys would be here with us, or they'd end up with those awful people and then we would have to just move on. Don't get me wrong, i enjoy the visits with the boys. They are wonderful boys, they make us laugh and we have a good time. But we spend hours getting there and we have no normal kind of weekend. The trips suck. Brian's back is killing him, being in the car for 12 hours a weekend is no fun, eating fast food and spending money we don't have; all of this for a four hour visit. It is not a relaxing weekend. Now, we are going to be doing this for another month or so.(nobody has actually given us a timeline about how much longer this is going to drag on)
This is something that needs to be resolved soon. We don't have a car to drive to the other side of the mountains if the weather starts getting bad. I also have no desire to drive over those mountains in snow! I get nervous driving in town with snow. Financially it is taking it's toll on us. I thank God we have my mom helping us, there is no way we could afford all these trips if it wasn't for her. She has been wonderful in helping us with money and letting us use her gas-efficient car. She has her own things going on right now and i am so thankful that she has seen beyond her own needs and been so generous to help brian and me.
I am feeling so negative but i just don't want to get my hopes up and be knocked back down again. A person can only get knocked down so many times before they don't get back up again. It's hard to keep your hopes up and stay positive. It's a lot of work, it takes a lot of energy and right now i just don't have it in me.
Maybe the next post!

not so positive

I had a procedure done last week. I had an uterine oblation, it is where they freeze the inside of the uterus and when they are done there is the hope that there will be no more periods or at least lighter and shorter periods and it also means the uterus can never hold a fetus. I have chronic anemia and hope this will help, i am sick of dealing with this every time i go to the doctor (i am not very good at taking my iron). I also am sick of this monthly reminder that i will never have children. Why have a period if i don't have to.
The hardest part of the procedure was the pain, it was a very painful procedure for me and they did not put me under for this procedure. It was extremely painful and i don't know if i would of done it if i had known how painful it was going to be. I have so much pain associated with my reproductive organs, not only emotional but physical pain. I am truly sick of it! It seems never ending, these constant reminders of my inability to have children.
I am so sad, angry and frustrated. This is not an uplifting post, i have no words of hope right this minute.
I want a child of my own. I don't understand how this can be so hard for me and brian. It is frustrating to see so many people around me pregnant and adopting. I find myself wanting to stay in my house and away from all those reminders of what i don't have. I don't even want to go to the store, there are baby and little girl clothes everywhere. It just makes me sad. There are families, pregnant women and children everywhere!
This is a downer post, i am not feeling the hope right now. Maybe the next post. I write this for me, though. I need to get this out of me, i don't want to hold all this sadness, anger and frustration inside me.
It's just one of those days where i want to scream and cry for all my lost babies, my lil' love bug who is no longer with me and the babies i can never have!!

What a day!

It was a wonderful day yesterday at the zoo, our lil' love bug had a great time. The zoo was always our favorite place to go as a family and i feel so lucky to have been able to spend the day with her at the zoo.
We picked her up early from her home and i talked to her mom while brian took our lil' love bug to the car. I just wanted to reassure her that we want what is best for our lil' love bug and we don't want to step on her toes as her parent. We want to make sure that she is okay with the visits. She said our lil' love bug had a hard time after the last visit and talked about us the whole time. She said she wants the visits to continue, she feels they are the best thing for our lil' love bug.
When we got back from the zoo, her mom said again that she wants the visits to continue and she actually said 'there needs to be more visits or no visits at all'. I am going to take that at face value! We had already set up a visit for wednesday the first but i am going to ask to see her every week and more if she allows it.
I really don't know how to take our lil' love bug's bio mom, she just seems to give mixed messages and i am trying not to overstep the boundaries. I was confused by the one time she just quit calling or letting us see her because she had such a hard time, maybe she realized how hard that was for our lil' love bug. She also mentioned something about our lil' love bug missing us and talking about us and the dogs all the time, how she still thinks she lives with us; talks about her room and bed. I also told her that our lil' love bug started calling brian and me, mommy and daddy again and if she was okay with that, if she wanted her to call us something else. She said that she was fine with that and that we were a part of her family. I just keep praying she will be able to make the right decision for our lil' love bug and let her come back home to us. This is still my prayer. I still believe the best place for our lil' love bug is with us and i hope that is what will happen soon.

this last weekend

We visited with the boys this last weekend. We went up with the intention of having a visit on both saturday and sunday but had been told that they may consider doing a saturday visit only. We were all so tired during the sunday visit last week. It is hard to spend four hours in a park or even the mall. The boys have recently started therapy, they still have visits with the bio parents, people are in and out of the home and they are doing the visits with us. It is a lot! So, we were not surprised when they asked if we wanted to just do a saturday visit. To be quite honest, we were relieved! It is hard to make those trips up there and still have the energy to keep the boys busy for four hours two days in a row.........in a park. grand junction is HOT!
We were surprised they allowed all three boys to do a four hour visit. Sounds like the foster parents were surprised by that also. We did not see the foster mom this time. She came for both the drop off and pick up but did not get out of the car. I am really frustrated with this lady! She is so rude, uncooperative and cannot seem to put the boys needs before her own. It really surprises me to see a foster parent act this way. It makes me question if she understands her role as a foster parent. I sure hope she can get over herself and help these boys to deal with the emotions and questions they have about the visits.
We took the boys to the pool and they played in the splash park area. The youngest does not seem to like the water much. He cried for about the first 20 minutes, he was not interested in anything we were doing. The other two love the water and had a great time playing and eventually we were able to calm down the youngest and get him to put his hands and feet in the water. He was having a good time but then the water came up and sprayed him right in the face! He was done after that. We stayed at the pool for about and hour and half. We then took the boys out for dinner at texas roadhouse. It went really well. They have great manners and all three have wonderful appetites. The youngest of course wanted to touch everything. We went back to the park and took a walk till the foster family came to pick them up.
The caseworker told us that the foster family was thinking of getting a lawyer. We will see what will happen if they decide to get one. From what we were told, i don't think it will make a difference in the decision the judge makes, it will just drag the process out. Which will really suck! I am expecting a decision to be made on september 3rd, i will be very disappointed if we have to wait another month or so.
We don't have a visit this coming weekend, brian has to do his cpr on saturday. We won't see the boys again till the weekend of the 28th.

A letter to my lil' love bug

My lil' love bug,
I am so happy for you on this your third birthday! You have grown so much, not only physically but in your heart and spirit. I remember you on your second birthday last year, so small and not sure what to do. So many friends and family came to your party to help you celebrate.......know that they all love you and miss spending this special day with you. You are a lovely girl who has been through so much in this last year, too much for a two year old just trying to grow up into a fun little three year old. You have experienced so much joy this last year as well as sadness, I hope you will carry the joy in your heart, remember the sadness but let it go and don't hold on to it. You are a stong girl with a huge heart. Always carry love in your heart, it will make your spirit kind, giving and full of joy. I have so many dreams for you this next year, I want you to be happy and safe with your family, I want your love to grow for them and their love for you to fill their hearts and their whole beings. This is the love I have for you. I hope you, me and daddy brian can have a relationship, I dream we will be together, even if it is as 'best friends'. I want you to continue to grow, learn and be amazing!
You are an amazing little girl, you are smart, funny, you make me laugh, you are special, caring, loving, and beautiful. I can never express to you how incredible you are. You can do anything and you are going to grow up amazing! I am so excited for your future, it is bright! Your dreams mean everything to me, I will do everything in my power to help make your dreams come true. You are still my little girl and you will always be my little girl.
I want you to know that you are the love of my mothering heart, I will love and miss you every minute I am alive. You are forever in my soul and a part of me, and one day you will get to read this and know I have always loved you.
I love you with ALL my heart forever and ever. You're my baby girl.
Love your Mommy Lisa

that was hard

We went to see our lil' love bug last night at her home. It was wonderful to see her and she was so excited, i could hear her screaming as we walked up to the house, 'my friends are here, my friends are here!' She was happy to see us and we spent about two hours at her house visiting with her, her mom and her little sister.
Mom expressed some concern because our lil' love bug had such a hard time after the last visit. She cried, was mad at her mom and the boyfriend said he felt she was distant with him for a few days. I can definitely understand her being cautious with the visits but we also agreed that if the visits are more consistent and our lil' love bug understands that the visits are regular occurrences, then that would make it easier for her. She is having such a hard time because she doesn't know when she is going to see us again. Especially because after this last visit we all told our lil' love bug that she was going to see us again soon. We reassured her not to worry and she could come spend time with us here at our house, come see the dogs. Then mom didn't follow through. She was an emotional mess when we left her house last night. She kept begging to go with us, said she wanted to go to our car and we kept having to tell her that she had to stay with her mommy and we would see her again soon. I can totally understand why she wouldn't believe us though. We told her that last time and then we weren't able to see her for almost two months. She doesn't believe we will be back to see her soon. She clung to Brian's leg, started crying and wouldn't let us leave. It was awful, it took all we had not to break down right there. She was so sad. We all agreed she could call us before she went to bed last night and then it never happened! It makes me so angry that her mom just doesn't seem to get it. She knows exactly what to say but she has absolutely no follow through.
I hope that for our lil' love bug's sake her mom will let her come spend time with us on a regular basis and we can come up with a schedule. She said we could stop by anytime and see our lil' love bug. We are going to take her to the zoo next sunday, i am very excited about that and thankful we have a date set for us to see her again. In the future i want to be sure that we never leave a visit with her without having another visit scheduled. Leaving her last night was so hard, i was so sad and we just broke down in the car. I can still see her clinging to brian's leg and crying. I don't want her to go through this every time we see her. It was too hard on all of us, i just pray that consistency will help her to realize that she can see us, have a good time, be a part of our life and still go home and enjoy her family and home.

3 candles

Our lil' love bug is turning three on saturday. I am incredibly sad that i will miss spending the day with her. I remember how much fun i had planning her second birthday party. Making the invitations, buying the gifts and choosing a fun theme. I am sad that she is getting a cheesy birthday party at chucke cheese, she is only going to be three and what a boring and easy way to throw a party. I am of course being very catty and judgemental but i think i have the right. She was in my home, she is greatly missed and i know what she likes. I also know she deserves the best and i don't think a three year old wants a chucke cheese birthday party, maybe if she was around 9, it would be fun. The whole day should be about her, a party at a park with friends, family and everyone focusing on just her! That's what she deserves.
I have had a rough week. I know it's because her birthday is saturday. I have cried everyday this week. I miss her so much. I cannot believe that we are going to miss her birthday. I am so upset she is going to turn three years old and i am not there to celebrate her big day with her. I miss her so much and i miss the fact that we are not the ones getting to throw her a party.
I hope she enjoys her wonderful day. She is so amazing and i can't believe she is going to be three years old. She is getting so big and we are missing watching her grow. She is in my heart and i pray that she has a grand time!