a picture is worth a thousand words...

We finally got our family pictures done today. Yeah! It has been a long time coming and i am so happy we were finally able to get them done. When my brother juan was here in colorado this summer, we were able to take family pics. My mom, stepdad and us kids. We also took some with everyone; my parents, my brothers and sister and all the grandchildren. Well, almost all the grandchildren, lovebug was not in any of the pictures. She was with her biomom at the time. My mom wanted individual family pictures too but we did not do one. We couldn't. Not without lovebug. So, we finally did them today. I can't wait to see them and i just know they came out great.
I am so happy we got them done. We took pictures of me and brian with lovebug after she had been with us for about 6 months. I know there are some people who wait till their kids are 'officially' theirs. It's cool to have an 'official' family pic after adoption. I would love to have one of those. I just don't know if we will ever get that opportunity with lovebug. So, i am so happy we did not wait. I would not have the pictures of us and lovebug as a family. And we are a family. She would not have those pictures to see of us together. Lovebug was just carrying around one of the wallet sized pictures the other day. She loves those pictures. I want to acknowledge the fact that we ARE a family. Families are different and no family is the same. We just have a different situation. There is no birth certificate or adoption ceremony in the world that will make me love my kids more than i do. I love them. We are a family. I needed to get these pictures done. I never know how long lovebug will be with us. She could be taken at any moment. When she grows up, i want her to have family pictures with us. Professional family pictures to show her that she is most definitely a part of our family, whether she ever gets adopted or not. I want the boys to see that we were a family, even before we adopted them. They are my sons. We are family. All of us together and now we will have the pictures to prove it!
It was a beautiful day. My favorite time of year. Autumn. The week of my tenth anniversary. Our family of two has expanded. Ten years ago, i never thought we would have 4 kids. I had hopes and dreams of what my family would be, and those hopes and dreams were slowly shattered. Little by little i lost hope at ever having a family. Brian and i have been through a lot in our ten years of marriage. Ten years ago i never could have imagined the trials and heartache. Yet, here i am. Taking family pictures with my husband and our 4 children. 4 children! It amazes me sometimes. I am blessed...

confessions of a clean freak

If you know me at all, then you know i am a little bit of a freak about cleaning. I like a clean house, i like an organized house and everything in my house has a place. It is just the way i am. I take a lot of the cleaning on , just because i like things done my way. Brian doesn't like it when i go behind him and redo what he has done, so i do it myself the first time. (let me add that he is a great help, and does a lot of the housework i don't like to do) If you ever watched the t.v. show friends, then you will understand when i say i associate myself with monica. Brian teases me all the time. I admit it, and i don't think it is the worst habit to have, of all the options out there. It is hard to stay organized with 4 little ones! It is my biggest challenge and i will say that i work hard to stay on top of things. I tell you all of this because gee's room is KILLING me! He likes to organize and clean his room, bless his little heart. A little one after my own heart........BUT, he doesn't do it the way i would do it! I know, i know, just be thankful he likes to clean and organize. I really am. It just takes all of me not to re-organize or tell him how to do it. I am trying to give him his space. I understand that in a house of 6 people, it is hard to have privacy, hard to express yourself and hard to find a space that is all your own. I am giving him that....even if it makes me crazy!! I had to take some pics to show you how cute he is organizing everything. This is clean in his mind. Super clean and he is very proud! This is messy to me!! Messy!! I love him and it should show in my ability to let him keep his room this way. Oh, how i love him!

Bunny ears and caves, really? Don't knock it, somehow it worked!

Gee and lovebug have learned to tie their shoes. Just like that. Lovebug decided at the beginning of the week that she wanted to tie her shoes, by herself. So, i started working with her. This was Sunday. Gee really didn't show any interest at first, he really didn't seem to care that lovebug was learning and he wasn't. He was happy to have me tie his shoes and recently he learned to take off his shoes without untying them, so he didn't have to ask anyone to tie them the next morning. (Very smart!) His uncle joe helped him early this summer and gee practiced for a week or so but didn't seem to stick with it. I must admit i have had some anxiety about teaching the kids to tie their shoes, i really wasn't sure how to teach them and was afraid they would be adults wearing velcro shoes! But lovebug is DETERMINED! She was not going to let me get away with just tying her shoes for her and hoping she would learn on the streets what her own mother was afraid to teach! She kept me trying and teaching. We had some extremely frustrating moments and she has cried and growled and blamed and still she kept on trying. I can tell you that my patience was stretched to the limits when i was ready to head out and she was sitting there trying to tie her shoes - over and over and over and over, determined to get it right! Then we were at itty bitty city on friday morn and i told the kids to get their shoes on, of course lovebug wanted to tie her shoes so i sat there with her and she tied both shoes with minimal frustration and little help. Then to my surprise - gee tied his shoes!! All by himself! I was amazed and unknown to me brian had showed him how to tie his shoes the day before and i think gee was just able to pick up where he left off early this summer. Today both kids tied both shoes - ALL BY THEMSELVES! (showing off their skills to nana) I am so proud of them. They will learn, in spite of my fears!

building for the future

We were at our foster support group a couple weeks ago and one of the caseworkers asked what was going on with lovebug. She hadn't been at support group and she was curious why we had her again. I explained that lovebug's biomom wanted us to have lovebug for the school year, that she had signed a power of attorney through the middle of june. This caseworker then made a comment about 'well, it will be interesting to see what will happen in june'. Really? That is your first thought, that is the comment you make as a caseworker? That is the way you support your foster families? I was taken aback and it has kinda been sittin' and brewin' in my thoughts for the last couple weeks. I just don't understand people, they can be so rude. I am so grateful for every day i have with lovebug. It is a blessing every night i get to tuck her into her bed in my home. I know she is safe. I have had one more day to build her self-esteem. One more day to encourage her to trust herself and to speak up and let her voice be heard. Every night i am thankful for the opportunity i have had that day to build her up so when the day comes when she is not in my home, she will be strong. Whether that day is tomorrow, or in june or when she goes away to college. I get these kinds of comments often, it hurts every time. I wish people could just be supportive and acknowledge the blessings in the moment. Build for the future, don't worry about it. It is what i am trying to do these days, live in the moment. Enjoy the now.

playing catch-up

We had school conferences this last week. They went well for the most part and i have to say that all 4 of my kids seem to have a strong love for learning.
Gee is behind on his letter recognition and sounds. We are really working with him and he loves to learn and is eager, which is a blessing. It will come to him. It is a lot of work to do in a couple months that many of these kids have had the opportunity to develop over the years. I guess that is what really bothers me. We are playing catch up. I know it is what i have signed up for, i know that this is my life, this is my family, these are our obstacles. I just can't help but think sometimes.........what would be different if i had had these boys from the beginning? What if they were mine from birth? I just wish they could have spent their early years learning their letters and singing songs and learning letter sounds and counting and shapes and all the other fun stuff instead of having to worry about their hungry tummies and staying safe and whatever else they had to endure.
Turtle is really struggling with transitions in class and listening. His speech is severely delayed and it is very hard to understand him. I think he gets lost in the classroom and will do anything he can to get attention. They started a star chart and he seems to have made significant improvement. I just wish the speech would come and i think everything else would follow. It is going to take a lot more work and extra time with turtle to catch him up to his peers, he has a long way to go. I feel like turtle has endured the longest length of time with neglect and this is why he is needing so much more time and patience. Gee was spoiled in many ways, banana was taken away at 13 months and turtle was already 2 1/2 years old when he was taken away. He had over a year more of neglect than banana had, he was passed the 'baby' stage when he was removed. No wonder he can't speak. I just know he will get it soon and he will be unstoppable. It's going to take a lot of understanding from me and brian and i really hope his teachers will be patient and will help him to be his best.
I am not to worried about banana. He has the advantage of being the youngest and he will have the opportunity to learn from his brothers and sister. He is in 3 year old preschool and i am definitely not putting academics on him yet. He has a couple years before i have to worry about whether he is behind or not and i don't see that being a concern. He is smart, he tries and he will be able to learn in a safe and loving home. He will be ready for kindergarten.
Same thing with our lovebug. I don't have to worry about her, she is just one of those kids that amazes. It is amazing that she has gone through so much and still has the ability to learn and excel at all she does. She is a determined little girl and i have no doubt she will be reading by the time she starts kindergarten next year.
I have so much more i want to say but will save for another post. I really hope i can take the time and start blogging on a more consistent basis. I just need to slow down and take the time.