a happy post

We met with turtle's teacher and speech therapist, they could not say enough about how amazed they were with his progress! It looked like they were both ready to cry a couple of times during the meeting and i am so excited for turtle. He has made huge strides in the last month and they have seen him just blossom in class. He is involved and tries and listens and understands.... It's all the stuff i see at home, he understands, he just needs help to form the words to let people know what he wants. I am excited to hear all of this. I am not with him at school so it is hard for me to see what it is he is doing everyday and what they are doing with him to help him to form his words. It was great to have this meeting and set new goals for his next year. I am happy that turtle is doing so well. I can understand most of what he says but he shuts down quick when i ask him to repeat things. He is getting better at it and i know he will just continue to improve with time and the more he feels secure and safe.

St. Patrick's Day sadness

March 17th. St. Patrick's Day. March 17th, 1977. The day my dad died. It is a rough day for me, every year. Here we are 34 years later and i sit here blogging and crying. Some years are harder than others. I definitely don't feel the sadness as often or as strongly as i used to. Time does heal. I was 5 years old and i don't remember being told that my dad died. I don't remember that moment, the conversation. I remember bits and pieces of the funeral. I remember feeling scared and lost, not knowing what was really going on. I remember my mom fainting and being scared she was going to 'die' too.

I really don't have any memories of my dad. I don't remember my life with him. My memories start after he died. It makes me sad to know that i don't have those memories, those moments to look back on and say 'that was my dad'. When i think of my dad, i think of loss, sadness and a headstone in a cemetery.

My dad died from a 'single gunshot wound to the head'. I remember reading that on his death certificate. I read over that death certificate so many times. I can still remember the exact wording. I long for any information. I search for it, i yearn for it. Still to this day, i wish i had more information. I want to know EXACTLY what happened. I want details. I am not sure why i feel the need for this kind of information. No one is willing to talk to me about the details. No one will give me the name of the man who shot my dad. Boy then (16 years old), man now. Reporting on murders has changed drastically in 30 years. I have found 2 very short articles on my dad's death.

I know the general story. I know the story from my childhood. It is the story i was told, who knows if i even remember the story the right way. I don't know if i have added or omitted details.

My dad was at a bar with friends. He helped to kick out some guys that were underage. When he came out to his car, he found it vandalised. My dad and a few friends went to the house to confront the guys they thought vandalised his car (the guys kicked out the bar). My dad was shot by someone from inside the house, as he was walking up to the front door. a gunshot wound to the head. A 16 year old boy confessed and got off on self defense.

My question is: Did the 16 year old really shoot my dad? Was it someone else in that house? Does he think about the 24 year old man he shot? Does he think about the 24 year old's pregnant widow? Does he think about the 3 year old boy and 5 year old girl left without a dad? Does it haunt him? or is he a killer that has killed again. Has he gone on with his life and built a home with a family. Is he in a gang? prison? grandfather? happy? Is he all those things my dad never could be?

I miss my dad. I miss who he could have been. I am sad that i never got to know him. I am sad that my kids will never know him. I have no stories to give them about my dad. I don't have those memories to give them. I talk to my dad often, i just wish he could answer me.

beyond devastation

I can't even watch the news. It is so depressing. The videos from japan are heartbreaking and it seriously makes me cry every time i see any footage of the devastation. My friend tomomi lives in tokyo, japan with her husband, ryuichi and 3 month old baby kaito. They are doing fine from what she has said but i don't know how bad it is right now. The day after the disaster the stores were already running low on food and now they are low on gas and having electrical outages. I pray that she has enough food and water, formula for her baby. I am scared for not only her welfare but especially the welfare of her baby with the radiation starting to reach tokyo. She is thankful that they have not had the devastation and loss of life that north japan received and i can tell she is trying to stay optimistic. Please pray for my friend, her family and all the people of japan.

i can't make this stuff up

Okay, so i'm really freaking out inside and trying to stay as calm and normal as i can. Our love bug's mom had a family emergency (her 1 year old niece died)and we have had lovebug for 9 days now. So we picked her up on friday (3/4)and her mom called us on sunday (3/6) asking us if we could keep her a few extra days. I said of course and then i did not hear from her again till tuesday morning, she called to see how lovebug was doing and wanted to have our lovebug call her that evening to talk to her. So we called. and called. and called. No answer. Wednesday our lovebug woke up from nap with an ear pain and her eyes were red and draining, so i called her mom and left a message letting her know that our lovebug was not feeling good and needed to go to the doctor and i couldn't take her so she needed to call me soon. She called on thursday (3/10), late afternoon to say that the funeral was not till saturday and if we would keep our lovebug till sunday(3/13). I said of course. She made no mention of the doctor so i told her that isabelle was doing better and didn't need the doctor but if that changed i needed to be able to get hold of her. She needed to answer her phone. she agreed and we left it at that. Well......i got a call from her last night(3/12). There was another death in the family, boyfriends grandpa. She would like me to watch our lovebug for another week or week and a half. She said she was having a real hard time, her sister was having a hard time and it would really help out if i could keep lovebug for a week and a half to 2 weeks. Her other daughter was going to be in daycare, the boyfriend was taking off to maine soon and it would be a great help if i could keep her for 2 weeks. Okay, so now isabelle is staying with us till sunday(3/27). Mom wanted to know if we needed anything, i told her that the only thing we need is a way to get lovebug medical attention in case there is an emergency and we can't get hold of her. She agreed and said she would get me something signed and notarized by today, like a power of attorney or something. I told her i wasn't sure what she needed to sign but i needed something that would allow me to take care of lovebug if we needed to. We'll see if i hear from her today.

Now my mind is going crazy with all these thoughts and ideas. Is she doing drug again? Is she consumed with grief? depressed? exhausted? I don't know what is going on. I know alot has happened in the last month and we have had lovebug for extra days the last two times we have picked her up for visits. I hear things and it makes my mind race. The nanny no longer lives there. Yes, they had a nanny that lived there and did a majority of the care taking when it came to the kids and all the housekeeping and cooking. This nanny, i have discovered has been through drug rehab twice and just turned 21 a couple months ago. The black eye mom had a week ago was from the boyfriend's birth mom?(mom's explanation to me) car accident?(explanation given to caseworker) nanny?(explanation given to me by our lovebug) I have not seen the 4 month old baby since christmas. I mentioned this to the caseworker and she has seen the baby, thank goodness. But i just find it strange that i am there twice a week and haven't seen the baby, and not just the baby but any sign of the baby. No toys, no bouncy seat, no diaper bag. Nothing.

And now i hear that mom is moving to grand junction. WHAT?!?! Is she leaving lovebug with us for 2 weeks so she can go find a place and get things established? Is she taking off without her kids? Can she even do this while there is a case still open? So many questions. No answers.

Seriously.....angry!

I am lucky that i don't have to deal with the family drama like brian does. I feel bad for him, and i'm sure i don't make the situation any better because as soon as he tells me about whats going on....I GO OFF! I'm sure it's not the reaction he's looking for or what he needs at that moment. I just get so angry. He talks to his brother and has to deal with his questions and comments, not me. Sometimes i wish it were me though, i would let him have it and i wouldn't be nice about it either. Seems that the boy's dad and brian's other brother can't seem to get along and like to hurt each other, verbally. The second brother likes to throw the fact that the birth dad doesn't have his kids (and we do) and that he can't see his kids in his face every time they start to argue. Seriously? Leave these poor kids out of your f'ing fights, and if you do want to bring that shit up, i DON'T want to hear about it! It's a low blow and it shows a lack of intelligence. The second brother needs to stop using my kids to help fight his petty arguments. He better not let me hear it, i am a pretty quiet person until you really piss me off....then you'll know it.
So the birth dad then calls and tells brian what the second brother says and is upset because the second brother has told him that he will never see his kids. Again, seriously?! We have told the birth dad - don't believe anything you hear unless it comes from our mouths! again - Don't believe anything unless you hear it from us! Still he calls and has to ask us stupid ass questions like this. Grrrr.....i am so over it. Brian's second brother has no voice in what we decide to do with our boys. Once we adopt the boys, no one will have a thing to say about how we raise, or the decisions we make for the boys. These are our decisions. We have never told the birth dad that he will never see his boys again. We have always told him he will have a role in the boy's lives. He is the birth dad and they will know this and they will know him. However, it is not a good idea right now, they need some time to feel secure in our home and with us before we introduce the birth parents again. I just want to shake him and tattoo this on his chest 'don't believe it unless you hear it from us'.
Then the birth dad has the nerve to express how upset he is that the second brother can come over anytime and see 'his' kids. Well, duh! of course he can come over anytime he wants, of course he can see the boys. He did not fail to care for these boys, he was not the one responsible for their well-being and care. He did not fail to care for these boys and put them through a horrendous, sad and neglectful first years of life! sickening. I am so tired of such selfishness and ignorance. DON'T use these boys as fuel for your arguments and fights. They are done fulfilling your needs.

Then......brian's third brother tells him that we can use his house as a neutral and safe place to meet(us, the boys, birth dad and grandma). Sigh (huge!) It is not about needing a neutral place to meet. The boys need to know that they are going to be living with us.....forever. We are going to be their parents. We are their permanent home. We are their mommy and daddy. They need to know that 'hey kiddo i know you love these people and have spent all this time getting to know them but, hey, your moving to a new home with a new mommy and daddy' is NOT going to happen to them again. They are not going to have to get used to a new set of rules and a new family. It is going to take longer than 6 months and it is taking a lot of therapy and a lot of love and patience. A visit with the birth dad is not an option right now!! It would set us back to the beginning, all that therapy down the drain. All the love and reassurance......gone! We are not going to do that to the boys, and i don't know how to get it through to these good intentioned(?) people. Everything we do, every decision we make is in the best interest of the boys. I don't care how this makes birth dad feel, i don't care how this makes uncle feel, i do care how this makes the boys feel. It is so frustrating. I don't know if these people will ever see these boys as our boys. They will always be the birth dad's boys, that we are raising.

In reality, they WILL be our boys. We WILL adopt them. We WILL be mom and dad and we WILL raise them as our children. That day will come, let's just hope the extended family decides to join us in our reality or else they will be left behind in their own fantasy world of pettiness and anger.