my blog's name

Not sure if i have ever posted on here why i picked the name i have for my blog. A pink lily and a pocketful of stones. It actually came to me very quickly and i knew this was the name i wanted for my blog. It represents what is important in my life and what has happened in my life.
There are many important events in my life but the most important is when i met and eventually married my husband, brian. He is an amazing man and an incredible husband. I am very lucky and i can't imagine spending my life with anyone but him. We have been through some rough times but we have always had eachother through the years. He is my strength when i am weak, my silly when i am sad and my comfort when i am devastated. We met and i knew within weeks that he was someone special and 6 months later we were engaged. In the first month or so of dating he must of sent me flowers 5 or more times and every bouquet had the at least one pink stargazer lily in them. That is where i get 'a pink lily', it represents the relationship and love brian and i share.
I have had many losses in my life. many. It is something that has been a part of me since the age of 5 when my dad died. It is something that has defined me as a person. losses. I have had a miscarriage and 2 ectopic pregnancies, losses of children that never were to be a part of my earthly life. I lost my ability to ever have biological children with my last ectopic pregnancy, a loss that has defined me as a woman and mother. At the time that i started this blog i had recently experienced a very painful and huge loss, our lovebug had gone home to her mom. We had a 'my wish for you' goodbye ceremony in which we gave each other stones and each one was given with a 'my wish for you is.....' We each ended up with a pocketful of stones. So 'a pocketful of stones' represents my journey through infertility, foster care and the children who have touched my life. My babies who couldn't find there way here through me, my baby who continues to bless my life even though she went home to her mother and now the 3 boys who are filling my house with laughter and giving me hope once again...

finding the time

It has been so hard for me to take the time and post here on the blog. I am overwhelmed right now. We are getting to the point where all the therapies are happening and we are just recovering and restarting everything after the winter break and holidays. I understand moms do this everywhere and all the time but i'm relatively new to this and i'm just trying to acclimate and figure out what form of organization will work best for me and brian. I will get there, it will just take some time. So.....
We met with the adoption coordinator a couple of weeks ago. Everything looks good and we are on the road to adoption! The boys have to be in our home for 6 months before we can file adoption papers - that would make the end of march the earliest time we could file. We'll see how long it takes once we decide to file. It is exciting but it is really hard to feel like it is really happening. It doesn't feel real. i guess i'm just trying to protect myself in case it doesn't happen, i don't know when it will feel real. We'll see......
Now, we are trying to decide on names. The boys have the same last name as us, so there won't be any change there. It seems like we are missing out on a big step, giving a child our last name. A person's last name is so important and it just makes you a part of a family, which the boys are, they are our nephews. I just would have liked to have had the opportunity to give the boys our last name when they became our children, officially. We never had any intention of changing their first names but now we are considering it. I would like to give the boys a new first name and change their current first name to their middle name. I just don't feel like the middle name is enough for me to feel like i have given them something from us. I would like to give them that.

so it's the weekend

Our lovebug's mom texted me, (the only form of communication she is comfortable with) and has decided that we can have our lovebug on friday, saturday and sundays. I am thankful for any time we can have with our lovebug. It just blows my mind to think that she would give up every weekend with our lovebug. I sure hope she sticks to it. It will take us holding her to it and not letting her add more days, nothing we can do about if she wants to cut the visits shorter but at least we can make sure she doesn't start adding more days. It will do no good for our lovebug to spend more and more time with us again. She spends too much time with us and it is too hard for her to distinguish between a visit and where she is actually living. Her mom needs to step up and take care of our lovebug and take responsibility for her. I want to be there and support her mom as much as we can but i am not going to add random days, if our lovebug's mom wants to keep and take care of our lovebug then she needs to do it all the time. Just because they don't have room in their vehicle, or they want to go out, or she is getting overwhelmed doesn't mean that we can step in and help her out. Maybe if she has to figure out how to do it on her own she will and unfortunately our lovebug is suffering while she tries to figure it out (if she ever does). I can help her out on the weekends and i hope that is enough of a break to make the other 4 days bearable for their household. I can take care and check on her once a week and that is all we can do, i have to pray that it is enough to keep her safe and happy. There is a reason why we are still involved with our lovebug, i just have to keep my faith and pray that it will all turn out good for her, no matter what it is that God has in store for her and her living situation. I am not sure what my role is in her life but i will continue to love her and i will continue to adapt to her needs and her mom's whims.

still no schedule

The caseworker finally made it over on monday to talk to our lovebug's mom. Sounds like mom wants to keep our lovebug still. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't understand how you send your child off to someone else's home 4 nights a week and still insist you want to parent and take care of that child. It makes no sense to me. She told the caseworker she just wants our lovebug happy and she thought if she spent more time with us then that would help. She said she wants us still involved and would never think of keeping our lovebug away from us, yet she sends me texts that say 'our lovebug needs to see us more or not at all' That sounds to me like she is willing to stop all contact. All we are asking for is a schedule to be set up so that our lovebug will know exactly when we will pick her up and when she will go home every week. A schedule will make it easier for all involved and i truly believe it would make it sooooo much easier for our lovebug to say goodbye to us if she knows when she will see us again. The caseworker supposedly told mom this in her own words and has 'encouraged' her to come up with a schedule. I am so confused and i am not only angry with the mom but with the caseworker for not making this stupid girl make a decision, stick to it and in the process get therapy for our lovebug. It's horrible what our lovebug has been through. She wants to live with us, she refuses to take anything from our home to her home. She squeals with delight when she sees us and cries heartbreaking tears when she leaves us. It is horrible and i am once again at a loss. This is ridiculous and i know that our lovebug needs some stability. The mom is once again refusing to answer her phone and won't answer my texts.So obviously we have not received any sort of a schedule and as of right now i have no idea when we will see our lovebug again. It is an awful feeling and i am sure our lovebug has the same anxiety and question - when will she see us again? It is so frustrating to have to deal with such immaturity and irresponsibility. GRRRRRR.....

unending

We finally talked to our lovebug's caseworker last week. She was on vacation right before christmas and didn't come back till wednesday of last week, right in the middle of everything going on with our lovebug. We told her that our lovebug's mom seemed to be struggling with making a decision again, that she said we need to spend more time with our lovebug or none at all and that she was encouraging us to take our lovebug more and more. We let her know that our lovebug needs some stability and we know she is having an incredibly hard time going back and forth. We let her know that our lovebug wants to be at our house, squeals with excitement when we show up at her house (so loud we can hear her as soon as we get out of our van) and cries, kicks and refuses to go home to her mom when we take her back home. The 'nanny' does EVERYTHING in the home and EVERYTHING for our lovebug. It is disturbing to me and brian. We told the caseworker we have been trying to talk to the mom for a couple weeks now and she is just avoiding us now. We told her that a set schedule needs to be set, our lovebug is having a hard time. She can't keep going back and forth and not know when or if she is going to see us again. It needs to be a set schedule and i can't seem to get her (the mom) to understand how important this is! and now the mom is avoiding the caseworker. We are hoping she will see her today and we can get some answers.

enlightening

I met with the adoption coordinator today. I had no idea what to expect, what exactly her job was or anything so i went into the visit clueless. It was informative and i am thankful that our kinship worker from boulder county decided to join the visit because i would have been lost. I had no idea what kind of questions to even ask and the adoption coordinator, Joyce just kept asking me if i had any questions for her and i felt so silly saying no each time! I've never been through this part of the process so i don't even know what to expect.
We can't file adoption papers until the boys have been in our home for 6 months. That means we can file the end of march. the end of march. the end of march. That means the adoption could be final by april or may. (Let me say that again) That means the adoption could be final by april or may. (again) That means the adoption could be final by april or may. It doesn't seem real, it doesn't seem possible...
The moment it hit me (a little) is when she was asking me for some information she needed for her paperwork and she wanted the name changes for the boys. The boys names aren't going to change except for their middle names but it still hit me at that moment. I actually get to pick a child's name. I get to give him a name that means something to me and brian. Now we have to discuss it, because they need this soon and we haven't even talked about names. I haven't even thought about it, i never thought it would happen. ever.


And here we are.....