understanding and forgiveness

I am going through a hard time right now, it is hard to be around people. I can't believe that we are going through all this......still. I am just so tired of it. Every time i think we have found our way to the other side of the pain, every time i think we are ready to live our happiness, we hit a brick wall. It is hard to hear the words of sympathy, it is hard to answer the questions. I find myself pulling away, keeping to ourselves. Me, brian and the boys. Just us. Dealing with our loss together but alone.

I don't want to go around family, because they ask the questions i don't want to answer. Over and over and over. I have invited them into our lives, they are my family, they have supported me over the years and they want to help, love and comfort. I am just not in a place to receive it right now. The pain is too raw. There is so much unknown and i have not dealt with the sadness and pain of her not being here yet. I am not ready to answer questions, i really don't have any answers right now.

It has been 8 years since my first miscarriage. Everyone knows my story. Everyone knows about my losses. I have put myself out there, especially with this blog but it is the form of communication that i am most comfortable with. I find that when i write i can say and feel it all. I can get across how i am feeling in a way i can never do when trying to verbally communicate. I am needing some time to figure this out, to know what this all means for my family. How we are going to get through this.

So forgive me if i don't show up to the get together. Forgive me if i am there but not 'present'. Forgive me if i don't answer the questions. Forgive me, i don't have the answers right now. Forgive me, i need some space. I feel the love. I see the sympathy in your eyes. I hear the sadness in your voice. I am sorry you have to go through this too. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I wish i could just have a baby. I wish it was that easy for me. I wish you didn't have to search for the words to comfort me. I wish you didn't have to watch me go through the pain. I just wish....so many wishes.....so few answers.....a lot of understanding needed.