festival of emotions

Interesting day
We all went to the boulder creek festival. Love it, super fun, lots to do, interesting people(it's boulder), good food, fun music, cool dancing....needless to say we had a great time! I loooove spending time in boulder and i always have a good time when we go. I called lovebug's mom last night and asked her if she wanted to meet us there and she took us up on the offer. She was in denver when i called her this morning, thinking we weren't going till this afternoon. I thought she was going to flake out on us, but she hustled and met us there about a half hour after we got there. I was happy to see her make an effort. Lovebug knew since the night before that her mom was going to meet us so she was super excited. She would have been heartbroken and confused if her mom did not show up. She spent the whole time with us, about 4 hours. It was a nice time overall.


Now, how did this make me feel?

confused.

I was happy. So happy that lovebug had the opportunity to see her mom, she hasn't seen her since easter. She was so excited and i could see lovebug's happiness. I was thankful. It helps her to see her mom, to know that she is safe and okay. We dropped her mom off at the place she is staying and lovebug got to see where her mom lives. I think it is something she has wondered about and was worried about, not knowing where her mom was living. I was nervous. I wouldn't let them out of my sight. I just couldn't help but think, in the back of my mind, she was going to get lost in the crowd, holding lovebug's hand and then they would be gone. forever. I was scared. I was waiting for her to say, any minute, i'd like lovebug to come live with me again. I don't EVER want to hear those words. There is nothing we can do if we do hear those words, we would just have to let her go. I was sad. It is sad to see lovebug's mom and know that she loves lovebug soooo much and to see lovebug and know that she loves her mom soooo much and yet they are not able to be together; not because anyone has ordered this, no courts, no caseworker but simply because her mom doesn't know how to take care of her and has chosen to let her live with us (for how long? i don't know). I was anxious. I tried to let lovebug's mom 'mother' lovebug. I tried to step back and be in the background. It was hard to do but i cannot tell you how thankful i am to be able to 'mother' lovebug everyday for the last 3 months and i was willing to give her mom 4 hours. I about dropped my ice cream when i heard lovebug tell her mom 'i want to live with you', after her mom told her she had a swimming pool at the apt. complex. I could hear lovebug's confusion when she called me mommy. mommy lisa. and she called her mom, mommy. jessica. mommy jessica. Not sure what to call us, not sure who to call mommy.
I love that girl with all my heart. She is a brave and strong girl. I wish she didn't have so much confusion going on in her life. I cannot imagine how confusing the day was for her. I continue to pray her mom will have the love, maturity and strength to let lovebug go, i pray lovebug will receive the gift of stability soon. I hope her mom will see our sincerity, our honesty and learn to trust us in the near future.