precious time

So we got a call from our lil' love bug's mom on friday and she asked if we would like to meet them at the mcdonalds by our house. They were in town and wanted to know if we wanted to see our lil' love bug and spend time with her. HELL YEAH!!!!!!! It was a quick visit and wouldn't you know, ronald mcdonald was there - it was a madhouse! We got to visit with her for about 20 minutes, she was so happy to see us. It was amazing to have that time with her and we were very happy to see her. It was the first time we had seen her since our one visit in april and it was really hard to say goodbye. She had a hard time saying goodbye to us and again she said she wanted to come home with us. It breaks my heart when she says this to me and she looks me in the face and i can see her pleading with me. Her whole face is questioning why she can't come home with us. It was hard but i feel she is happy and she seems to be doing good, as much as i can tell from our 20 minutes together. She is potty trained now, and i feel she would not have been able to accomplish this if she was not feeling safe and secure in her situation. We get to see her today again! We are going to pick her up and get to take her to the park, just me and brian. I am very excited for this time together, just the 3 of us. I am not sure why we have all this contact all of a sudden, i think we would have had this chance after our april visit but mom was so torn on whether or not to keep her that she needed some time and space. I am hoping that now that she has made her decision to keep our lil' love bug that she will let us have more contact with her. We'll see, but for now i will take whatever time we can get with her............it makes me happy:)

decision made

What a crazy week! We left Wednesday after our re-certification meeting for grand junction and it was a quick and busy trip, we had 5 meetings and a huge decision to make. We met with both bio parents in the morning and heard their concerns and then met with the bio dad's lawyer and mentor, the children's therapist, the caseworkers and then the current foster parents. We wanted to see and hear what everyone felt was best for these 3 boys. I wanted to look them in the eyes and see if they were lying or telling the truth, i wanted to make sure that they could see my face and know that i wanted the truth. As i've said before, in my previous post, we just needed two questions answered, we received those answers and it was easy to make our decision. The foster parents made it very clear that they wanted nothing to do with the bio parents and communication with the bio parents was not an option. We were also told that there was some willingness by the foster family and social services to split the boys up. We are not okay with the bio parents and children not being able to have some sort of communication with each other and we are also not okay with the boys being split up. Once we were able to talk to everyone involved and ask those questions, it was easy for us to decide that we were going to try and adopt these boys. It is not going to be easy, it will be up to the court and we have come forward so late in the case that it really could go any way. We truly hope we can have these children placed with us and that we will be able to eventually adopt them. Our next court date isn't until july 23rd, we will know more then...........

big decision

Big decisions need to be made today.............we have so many questions and it will be nice to get some answers. My main concern is doing what is best for these children. It is hard, trying to sift through all the opinions, anger, biases and emotions behind all the answers we are getting to our questions. Emotions are running high and that is understandable, the state has filed the motion for termination so we have 20 days to come in and ask for the children to be placed with us. Is that what we want to do? AAAHHHHHHHHHHH, i don't know. We have been certified for 3 years now as foster parents and we have been willing to take in one child under the age of one, how will i handle 3 boys ages 4, 3, and soon to be 2! I have had a little girl in my life for over a year, and she was a girly girl!! 3 BOYS, how will THAT change my life? I keep going back and forth, i am hoping that once we can get into a room and meet these parents we can decide if their home is a good place or if we would rather have them in our home. I know that both biological parents want the boys in our home, they are concerned that if the boys stay in the foster home they are in now, there will be no contact. They know that if the boys come with us, we feel strongly that the contact with the biological parents is important to the emotional well-being of these boys, we understand the need to know who and where you come from. I am also struggling with the fact that if we do decide to take these boys in and eventually we adopt them, it will be harder to establish the boundaries between us and the biological parents because they are family. It is something that will have to be understood right away, and something that will probably be an ongoing struggle. So, here we are. We had one meeting this morning and we have 4 more scheduled for this afternoon, we are hoping that by the end of the day we will be able to make one of the biggest decisions that will affect these boys lives and possibly ours too..........

face to face

Brian and i are heading to grand junction this week to meet with the foster mom who has his 3 nephews, we hope we will get a better understanding of her intentions when we meet with her face to face. We are having a hard time deciding what to do, it is a big decision and we want to do what is best for these 3 boys. That's the hard part......doing what is best for the boys. We have a lot of questions and not a whole lot of answers right now, and the main caseworker has never returned our calls. I am angry at the caseworker and frustrated with mesa county social services, i am trying not to let these feelings cloud my judgement of what is best for the boys. They don't seem to be following procedures and are not treating me and brian with respect or consideration, it makes me question how they have handled the whole case. We have been told several times that our names have never been mentioned but recently the one person who is returning our calls told us that they did have our names but knew we had a placement at the time. They are supposed to contact all family members and try to place the children when they are taken away from their parents, they have never contacted us. Unfortunately this is a mistake on their part and now we can come in and ask for custody of these children. We really don't want to move these boys out of the home they are in if it is a good home and if the foster mom is willing to have contact with the biological family. We feel very strongly that there needs to be some sort of communication between the boys and their parents, even when we had our lil' love bug we felt that she would always need to have some sort of communication with her mom. Every case is different and there are many forms of communication; e-mail, phone calls, a p.o. box, visits, etc. My family is very important to me and knowing where i come from is a great source of pride...... i would never want to deny any child of that connection and that feeling of pride in knowing their heritage and roots. I guess that will be a big deciding factor in whether we decide to take these boys in. We also want to make sure that this foster mom really wants all three boys and is not just taking in the older two so she can keep the youngest one. I hope we will be able to get a better idea of every one's character and intentions when we meet them face to face.

little by little

I've been working on our scrapbook of our lil' love bug. It has been great to look through the pictures and to remember all the great times we had together as a family. It makes me miss her even more. It is good therapy though, trying to concentrate on the good times and not the sadness i feel now. She was so funny, i keep looking at these pictures and remembering how silly she was. She had a great sense of humor, she knew how to make us laugh. I am also reminded of how little she was when she came to live with us. She was so dang cute and had her chubby, little 'baby fat' face. I can't believe how much she has grown, she just shot up and is so tall now. I love looking through these pictures and spending the time to put them in a scrapbook, i get to express how i feel putting these pages together. I feel that it is good therapy, with every page i can express my love for her. I can put all of my pain, love, sadness, happiness...............all of it into every page and i can leave it there in those pages, a little at a time.

gloomy

It started last night, i'm really missing our lil' love bug. Maybe it's the weather getting to me, i love her so much and i am just trying to deal with the fact that she is not coming home to us. I am going to start working on a scrapbook of her, i sent the last one with her and i am hoping that making a new one for me and brian will help me work through some of the grief. I miss going shopping with her, she loved to shop and she would look at clothes with me 'oh, that is soooo cuuute!' she repeated everything i said. I want to go to the flatirons mall but can't get myself to go, it was our favorite place to shop. I want to take her to the zoo, we went so often with her and we all had so much fun. I want to bake some pinkalicious cupcakes with her. I miss her so much and feel as gloomy as the weather is............

my grandma

Yesterday was the 4th anniversary of the day my grandma died. She was wonderful and she is still greatly missed. I can't believe it's been four years, it feels like she was here just yesterday, i can still see her sitting in her chair crocheting. She had an incredible strength that i hope i have inherited. She died of cancer and if you know anyone who has died of cancer you know how horrible that disease is. She trusted in God with no question and i could see her use her faith to make it through those final days. I was there in her room with my aunts, uncles and cousins the night she died. It was incredible and something i will forever hold dear to my heart as one of the greatest experiences of my life. My grandma had instilled in all of us a great faith in God and in that moment of her death i saw God present in her room. We were crying, they were tears of sadness at our loss but also tears of thankfulness that she was going on to a better place. I know she is in heaven and i miss her every day. love you Grandma Jennie!

a separate office?

Had my yearly exam today. Why can't there be a separate gynecologist office for those who cannot have children. It is so hard to sit there in the waiting room surrounded by pregnant women, four pregnant women to be exact. It just reminds me of everything i will never have, i will never know what it's like to have a baby of my own. I've never had a joyous trip to a gynecologist. I've been pregnant and i know the joy of being pregnant, if only for a week or so but i've never made it to the first gynecologist appointment. It's just another one of those uncomfortable situations i am going to keep finding myself in, being in the doctors office surrounded by pregnant women. It reminds me of what will never happen. It was also the first time i had been back to this doctor since i had my tubal pregnancy last year. It was a pretty emotional morning, then they have all these baby pictures all over the place and it just makes the whole process that much more uncomfortable. I remember having to sit in this office a year ago with the pregnant women and baby pictures all over, that was so hard. All i could do was sit there and cry, it was horrible. It was a little easier this time, hopefully it will continue to get easier as time continues to go by. Until then, it would be nice if we could have a separate waiting room without all the baby pictures and pregnant women there to remind me of what i will never have.

the other side

We have recently had some experience with being on the other side of the foster care system. A family member had their kids taken away back in september. At the time we were not able to step forward because we had our lil' love bug in our home. This family member called us recently and was very upset because he felt they were going to file termination and the kids were going to go be adopted by the foster family that the youngest has been with since september. The two older kids were placed in the same foster home as the youngest in the last month or so because they want all 3 to be adopted into the same home. We decided to call and get some information on the kids and the home they are in. We wanted to make sure that the kids were in a good home and that there would be the ability for the parent to have some type of contact with the kids after adoption. Well, let me tell you, after almost 2 weeks of calling and no one returning phone calls we were getting frustrated and started to question what they were hiding and why they were trying to blow us off. The thing they didn't seem to realize is that we have been certified for close to 3 years now and we know how the system works. We started to call supervisors and finally started to get our calls returned. At this point we decided that we would be willing to take these kids in our home if no one was willing to give us answers and if there was going to be a closed adoption and no chance for these kids to know where they come from. We were of course hearing negative feedback from the parent about everyone else involved in the case and we weren't hearing anything from social services even when they started to return our calls they wouldn't give us any information. We asked our resource worker here in boulder county to call and she was finally able to get us some information. They were reluctant to have us get involved with the case because of the anger they had witnessed in the family member trying to get his kids back. We plan on setting up a meeting with us and the foster family, we want to be sure they are in a good home and maybe we can facilitate the communication between the kids and their parent. We are not concerned with visits or even phone calls but a p.o. box set up for written communication and pictures would be nice. It is something that brian and i have discussed as foster parents and we realize the importance of knowing your family and where you come from. We hope we can help to facilitate some sort of communication with the kids, that has been our only concern and if they are in a home where the little one has a strong bond with the family, we would not move them. It is interesting to be on the other side of the foster care system.

grieving without guilt

I know that baby showers and kid's birthday parties are emotionally hard to attend, i now realize that family get-togethers and fun family events, aren't so fun either. I had the weld county relay for life and a graduation party this weekend, i was asked about our lil' love bug about 5 times, i understand the curiosity. Some people didn't even know she had returned to her mother. It is so hard for me to answer those questions and i have a feeling i will be answering them for awhile. It makes going to family events not so appealing. Our lil' love bug was a part of our extended family and everyone was there for us so i feel like i owe them the answers to the questions. This makes me question whether we want to be involved with extended family the next time we have a placement. I totally understand the questions and curiosity, it is natural, especially when they have been a part of our lives. I just don't think i want to have to answer the questions next time. I feel like the only way to avoid this is to stay to ourselves, and i have found us doing that already. I go back and forth in wanting to be involved with all those special family events and it's something i am going to have to think on more. I hope that eventually i will be able to attend again without having the feelings right at the surface. It's just too soon right now. This first year is going to be hard, everything we do is just a reminder that we are doing all these things without our lil' love bug this time. I just hope people realize that we are in mourning, we are grieving. Right now we don't know if we will be able to see her ever again. We don't get to make those choices, her mom does and i have no idea if she wants us involved. It's heartbreaking and many people don't understand the pain. I had some pretty insensitive comments this weekend. Why do people feel it is necessary to downplay the joy of parenting and list all the reasons they wish they didn't have to deal with their children. PLEASE! I can't stand these insensitive comments, complaining about your children doesn't make me not want children of my own. It only makes me question your parenting skills. Talking up being childless doesn't help either! I know the advantages of not having children, i am 38 years old, i am not a teenager trying to get pregnant. It just goes to show that we will be facing these kind of questions for awhile. I want to be able to grieve and i want to be able to have my good days and my bad days. I don't want to feel guilty that i want to stay home or that i leave early. Please invite us to your special events, but please don't feel slighted if we decide not to attend or if we leave early. I never know if it is going to be a good day or a bad day, i never know what will trigger the grief. I may be having a great time and something as simple as a toy or certain food will trigger the emotions. I hope people understand and i hope i will start having fewer bad days and a whole lot of good days soon until then please know that i understand most comments are meant to comfort i hope you will still invite us to your special events, eventually we will start attending more often.

support is priceless

Here we are trying to get over our grief again. Trying to decide when we will be ready to accept another placement. It's scary to think we will have to go through the process all over again. We have only had one placement, so that is really all i can pull my knowledge from although i have been going to support group for almost two and a half years now, so i've met many people doing foster care and most are trying to adopt. The stories are surprisingly the same yet every case is different. It's the nature of foster care, you can never count on anything happening the way it did in someone else's case. There are no 'norms'. We have chosen to do foster care with the hope of adopting, that is really all it is, a hope. The children placed in our home have been taken away from their parents for whatever reason, and the goal is always for reunification. That means that we are there to help these children go back home and if that doesn't happen............ then we can adopt. It is a long process, they give parents every chance in the world and it can take up to a year (or as in our case almost a year and a half). A year of visits, therapy, court and in general a massive amount of emotional ups and downs. These children become a part of your family and touch the deepest parts of your heart. It is always devastating when they go home, whether they've been in your home a few months or over a year. I've seen the tears, heartache and sadness in many foster parents and yet i see them come back to support group month after month, willing to open their homes and hearts to more children. I love this group of friends that i have found in my support group. As so many of you probably know, it takes me a long time to warm up to people. It took time to open up and share my story with the group but just sitting there in a room with people who understand and have been through similar situations helps. It is heartwarming, comforting and makes the process of fostering not seem so lonely. I don't know exactly when we will accept children again but i do know that when that day comes, we will be ready. I draw my strength from all the foster families who continue on their journey even after having their hearts broken. I am thankful that they have the courage to keep going and are open enough to share their stories with us every month at support group. Adopting through the foster care system is not an easy thing to do, it takes patience and love, prayers and an unending supply of hope, you have to have an amazing marriage to be able to handle the added stress and it helps to have the support of family and friends. I have all this and i thank God everyday for the blessings he has sent my way. But most of all, i am thankful for the support brian and i have received from our support group, they make the journey easier.

moving on

We found out on friday that our lil' love bug is not going to come back home to us. Her mom has decided to keep her, i must say that i cannot blame her for making that decision. I know i would never let her go if i had the choice. I thought this was going to be much harder. Right now i am doing surprisingly well. The waiting seemed to be the hardest part, knowing that our lil' love bug is not coming back home is sad and not what i wanted to hear but i am happy to have a decision. I really want to be able to move on, my wish is to be able to adopt a child and if it can't be our lil' love bug than i am ready to move on and get a new placement. I miss her so much and i am hoping we will have a chance to see her and have a relationship with her in the future. I hope we will see her soon..............