thankful

I have been truly blessed with many wonderful friends and family. It is hard for most people to understand how financially straining it is to foster children. It is not something that people go into to make money. We have been very lucky these last two weeks that so many people have been so kind and giving with their time, money and concerns.

My mom has helped us immensely! We could not have made all these trips back and forth to grand junction without her help. We would not have these boys if she had not let us use her car every weekend and helped us financially. She has been AMAZING!

My brother scot watched the boys for us on the day brian had his surgery and i am so thankful he was able and willing to help us out. It was wonderful that i was able to be there for brian the day of his surgery. It would have been awfully stressful and hard to take care of him if i didn't have my brother here to watch the boys.

My friend loretta and her husband steve have spent their time and money buying clothes for the boys, i am so thankful! The foster mom sent the worst clothes and i am sure she did not send all their clothes either. It is something they desperately need. My friend lives in south dakota and hasn't even met the boys but her and her husband have been so kind and giving and can't wait to get our packages in the mail!

My sister has given me clothes for the boys and i am so thankful for her going through her clothes and taking the time to send me what we can use.

Brian's brother mike and his wife carolyn let us use their pacifica for a few weeks and luckily we had it the last time we went to grand junction so we could bring home the boys and all their stuff! They also put two new tires on our car ~ how wonderful is that! I have not had to buy diapers or wipes yet because carolyn gave us a box! It has helped so much.

A total stranger to us gave us a gift card to target! My mom had a co-worker ask her if we had the boys (i'm sure my mom has shared our story with many of her co-workers!lol) she said yes and he gave her the card "hope this helps a little". WOW! I am humbled.

I am so thankful, i cannot say this enough! We will receive a monthly stipend for each child from the state, it helps but it is not enough to make doing foster care a money maker career!lol We also have not received a single cent so far and probably won't till the middle of October or later. That is why all this help is so wonderful and is truly appreciated.

Getting to know you

I am getting into a routine and it is going quite smoothly. I am enjoying the time with the boys. They are starting to get comfortable and we are having a lot of fun together. It is interesting to see their personalities and how they play together.
The oldest is a great helper and takes care of his brothers. It was really nice the first few days, he let me know what the other two were doing and he is able to interpret what the middle boy is trying to say to me. He really loves his younger brothers and takes good care of them. It is sad to see him though. It was really obvious during the transition at the county building. The youngest started to cry and he went straight to jumping, making faces and doing anything he could to stop him from crying. It really broke my heart that this little 4 year old feels so much responsibility for his brothers. I pray that he will become comfortable enough in our home that he will be able to be a little boy again. He also needs constant attention and it is pretty easy for him to get it since he is the only verbal one. It is hard for him to give the other two boys some space and let them get some attention of their own. It is something we are going to have to work on and it is something i am going to need some help trying to figure out how to balance giving attention to all three.
The middle child is 3 years old and has very little verbal skills. He is able to get across what he wants or needs by using hand motions, partial words and his older brother helping him out. It has got to be very frustrating and it is sad for me to see him trying to communicate, especially when i can't understand him. He doesn't really have any words, he tries to say words and i have learned to identify what words he is using for certain things. He uses the word me A LOT! Every time his older brother says something he will say 'me', meaning he did, made, or wants to do the same thing. He says wawa for dog, ar for car, wauwau is for water.
He likes to argue! When i say something he automatically will say 'no'. It is something i need to make sure i don't get caught up in. It is so easy to start a yes and no back and forth. He teases his older brother and likes to take his toys or touch his plate at mealtime. It is a way to get attention. I hope we can get him into speech therapy soon. It will help him immensely. He is a funny little guy and has some silly faces, he is very expressive and it is really cute.
The youngest little guy is very quiet and spends most of playtime playing by himself. He can get really quiet and i see moments where he disconnects from what is going on, he also has a hard time making eye contact. I sure hope we can get him some therapy soon. He definitely has an insecure attachment. He also isn't very verbal and doesn't have the ability to get his point across the way the middle child is able to. He sure is a cutie and thinks brian is hilarious! It is so funny, it doesn't matter what brian says, he will just crack up laughing. He has a great laugh! He is very unsure on his feet still and i have to remember that he still needs a lot of help walking, something i wouldn't expect to have to do with a 2 year old.
The boys are great and i am enjoying spending my day with them.

our weekend

Well the boys are here and making this their home. The oldest was real sad friday evening on the car ride home. He started to cry and said he wanted to go back home. It was sad to see his little face, he was determined he wanted to go back. I kept reassuring him that he was going to be safe and that we loved them. It was heart wrenching. He has had maybe two other moments when he has been sad but we just keep reassuring him he is safe and that we will take care of him because we love him and his brothers. The middle boy does not have very good verbal skills and has a hard time communicating. He has done okay so far and has not had any meltdowns or visibly sad moments. The youngest has done surprisingly well. He had a rough day yesterday. He cried a total of 3 times and it takes a little while to calm him down once he gets to crying. He doesn't like loud noises ~ i discovered this during the bronco game yesterday. (That's going to be rough, isabelle was always right there with us yelling and cheering) So that was one of the times he started to cry and it took awhile to calm him down. Then last night he cried for almost an hour at bedtime. Brian and i took turns holding and rocking him until he finally calmed down.
Overall they have done great, especially since they have gone through so much recently. It could be a lot worse! They have done fine meeting our friends and family so far and that is good. Hopefully they will get to meet everyone in the coming months.

Finally...........a decision :)

Wow! I finally have a chance to get some of what happened yesterday out and onto my blog! (now it's two days ago!) So, we went to court and everyone sounded like they were sure the boys were going to come home with us. I knew we had a pretty good chance but was surprised to hear everyone talk like it was a done deal! The foster dad talked to brian and it was very sad and upsetting. (of course foster mom did not show up) He was real upset but it was nice that he was able to give us some pointers on what the boys liked to do with him (fishing, hang out in the garage, etc.) He has always been very nice to us and it was heart wrenching to know that they were ready to watch the boys leave their home. It really is too bad that the foster mom wasn't more like the foster dad, the boys could still be in their home! I have to remind myself this, because it was hard to know that because of us, these boys were being taken from a foster family who were going to be very upset and sad to see them go. It's all about choices and unfortunately the foster mom has not made good choices. Thank goodness we stepped forward, the foster family home was not a stable and safe home for the boys.
Court was awful to listen to, the foster mom was worse than i thought. She sounds mentally unstable and is dealing with a lot of grief and loss (may have lost a child in December). I sure hope they can get her some counseling, although it sounds like she has refused any kind of help so far. She is not a very loving and demonstrative caregiver. She is stand-offish with the boys and doesn't give much in the way of hugs and kisses. She is rigid and has set rules and the boys need to follow them, no matter what issues they may have because of the severe amount of neglect they have experienced in their short lives. The therapist was shocked and genuinely upset by her inappropriate behavior. They had attachment observations with her and the oldest and youngest child and she was horrendous! The therapist says that people are usually on their best behavior because they know they are being watched and she was surprised to see her emotionally unavailable and to hear her comments.During the observation with the oldest, she was play wrestling/tickling him and it was the one time the therapist saw her physically engage and show emotion with him. He went to do the same thing to her (tickle) and she grabbed his hand and said 'no touching'. They continued to interact during the observation and she joked with him 'you are mean, i'm going to trade you in for another child'. I couldn't believe it! I think i actually gasped and then i couldn't stop from crying. It was the last straw. The therapist said that the youngest does not have a healthy attachment to the foster mom like she thought he had initially. She has not been able to foster an emotionally healthy relationship with any of the boys. It is really very sad and i am thankful that we were able to step in and provide a home for these boys.
It is because of the foster mom's recent and past behavior that we could not do a transition. She could not handle it emotionally and it would have been worse for the boys. It is really very sad that she could not think of the boys well being and do what was best for them. Everyone who testified and had a chance to speak all said that a transition of some sort is best but that in this situation it was not going to be possible. Court was over at 12 and the foster mom brought the boys to the county building at 2, she didn't even bring them into the building. She was so angry, she refused to have contact with any of the caseworkers or therapists. It would have been nice if she could have made this easier for the boys and reassured them that they were going to be safe in our home and showed them that she was happy for them. (even if she wasn't) It wasn't about her, it's about the boys and i can't believe that there are foster parents out there who cannot put the children's needs ahead of everything else. I would have liked to know their schedule, their likes and dislikes, what they like to play with, how they sleep, favorite foods..............it would have been nice to have any kind of information. It really is too bad.
The bio parents and the boys maternal grandparents all came to the county building to say goodbye to the boys and that was a little crazy. It was definitely overwhelming. They were right up in the boys faces; hugging and kissing them and the little one could not really handle it. He was pretty upset anyway but then with all the commotion we could not get him to calm down and stop crying. Everyone was trying to take pictures, we needed to sign paperwork. It was a lot for everyone to take in, especially in such a short period of time. It is good that the parents got to say goodbye though. They were still having weekly visits with the boys and now the visits are suspended for at least 3 months. They can call and send letters/packages but they will not be allowed to visit with the children.
I really want to get this posted, so i am going to end this now. I hope i will have time to post again soon.

no transition?

We were concerned that mesa county may not do a transition if the judge decides to send the boys with us. We received a call asking if we would be ready for the boys this weekend and as i said in my last post - we are scrambling to make sure we at least have beds for them. It will all work out. At least that's what everyone keeps telling me. I am such a perfectionist and love to have things in place. I hate it when people tell me to calm down and it will all work out. (drives me seriously crazy!) I am an organizer and like everything to have it's place and i don't like to be last minute planning, hoping it will all come together! So anyway, back to the transition. I was upset thinking mesa county was doing it again,(or not doing it, their job that is) but after talking to the caseworker i can understand the need to just move the boys if that is what the judge decides to do. The foster mom has already been uncooperative, rude and a hindrance to the whole process so far. (in general a BIG pain in my ass!)They are afraid that she will just make a transition worse and harder for the boys and she won't be able to handle it. A grown-ass woman! I tell you what, this lady is a piece of work and i bet mesa county is sorry they ever approved her home for foster care! So the caseworker and therapist think that a transition is not a good idea and they will probably move the boys to our house with no transition. They all said that this is not ideal, that a transition is usually the best thing. It is going to be hard on the boys to move with not much warning but unfortunately the foster mom has left them with no other choice. So depending on how court goes on friday, we may be coming home with 3 boys!

Still looking for bunk beds!

scrambling

We got a call today.......sounds like the boys are most likely going to be placed with us. Of course, i am not counting on this. It's the nature of foster care, until it happens, don't count on it happening. The mesa county caseworker wants to talk to our caseworker and make sure we will have resources available for the boys therapy and other services they need. The caseworker made it sound like the boys could come to us as soon as this weekend! What the...............i don't have anything! I have held out on getting anything because i didn't want to get all this boy stuff and then end up with a room full of stuff and no boys to use it. Then i'd have a broken heart and a bunch of stuff to just remind me. However, now we are scrambling to get beds (first of all) and then who knows what else we will need for the boys. I don't know what the foster mom will send, she is going to be so angry if the boys end up coming with us, i can't imagine her sending much.(she's that kind of person) We will figure something out, i'm sure. I would really like to have bunk beds for the boys though. The room they will be sharing isn't big enough for separate beds.
If anyone has bunk beds we can have for super cheap, please let me know. We could really use them! WOW! I could end up with a houseful soon!

sticking to it

My last post was one of those posts i love to write, it was positive and really showed what i hold in my heart and what i believe in. Saying that, it is also one of those posts i have to look back on several times because it is hard to stay in the positive and leave everything to God. It is great to have a philosophy but to hold to it is another thing. I can't tell you how many times i have cried, screamed and been so angry and sad i felt like i couldn't do this another second. It is a constant struggle to stick to my beliefs and i have to remind myself all the time that this is not about just me and brian and what we want but about the children and their bio families too. It is never easy to hand everything over to God, it is something that you have to choose every day and believe me it is easy to forget. I have been in that place over the last two years, that place where i forget that i am not the one who is in control. It is a hard road when i am in that place, those are the times where i am screaming, crying and so angry i lose myself. I can only control my actions and what i feel and how i react. I cannot control anything else and that is the hard part, but isn't that the truth not only in foster care but in life.

Our foster care philosophy

Many people have suggested that we get a lawyer. It is something brian and i have discussed many times and we always come to the same conclusion. We entered into foster care wanting to adopt a child. We never came into this thinking we would take some one's child away from them. We wanted a child who needed a home and if our home was the right home, then God would place that child here with us. That has always been our philosophy. As a foster parent, we don't always get the whole story. We don't have the training, we don't have the facts, we don't get to see the children with the other parents. We did not go into foster care thinking we were the ones who are responsible for making the decisions. I have to trust that the caseworkers, therapists, judges and all those working on a case, know their job and will do their job. If they don't, that is on them. Not me! I can't sit here and think i know the best place for a child, when i don't have all the information. As foster parents and even as kinship care, we don't get the same information that the judge and caseworker get. I honestly believe that God will choose what children belong in my home and i trust that God will guide those involved in making the decision. It is ultimately his decision and nothing i do is going to change that. I pray every night for the people involved in both of our cases. I pray for our lil' love bug's mom and family, for her caseworker and i pray for the judge and caseworkers involved in the boys' case. I know that this is the only real power i have, trusting in God. He will make the final decision and he will guide those involved.
Could you imagine how awful it would feel if i felt i could control the situation and then it didn't go the way i felt it should? Such disappointment, what a feeling of failure and the guilt! I couldn't continue to do foster care with those types of issues! I would be a mess. I cannot dwell on what could have been, it is obviously not in God's plan. I have to move on and in doing that i have discovered my new role in our lil' love bug's life. We are having visits with her once a week (and more often if i can). She is going to be a part of my life as long as God sees the need and who knows what the future holds for our relationship. I trust God's plan, whatever that turns out to be.
I trust that the decision that is made on the 20th will be the decision that is meant to be made. God knows where he wants the boys and brian and i have done everything we can to make sure that the judge and caseworkers know that our home is a good home, that we want these boys and that we are willing to make the sacrifices needed to take care of them. I can go to sleep at night knowing that we have done our part.
No one gets to choose what children they will have, it is all in God's hands and that is where i choose to leave my trust and that is who i choose to depend on to make the decision..........God.

Leave it to Mesa County

Leave it to mesa county! I have had two of the worst experiences in the last two days with mesa county, i can't even believe how unprofessional and disrespectful these people are! Let me tell you:
Yesterday they had the one year foster care review scheduled with the state, we received a letter inviting us to attend and if we could not make it, then they would call us in on a conference call. We let them know that we could not make it but that we would like to be conferenced in. They called us and then they tried to call the foster mom. Yes! the foster mom could not make it! and she lives in grand junction! They could not figure out how to get us both on the phone at the same time so they said they would get the information they needed from the foster mom and then they would call us and let us have our turn. So we waited.....and waited......and waited. Finally over an hour later brian's brother calls and says that they forgot about us, the caseworker had to go to court and she told brian's brother to let us know that she would call us today. (still no call) The state guy asked about us and she told him that we didn't need to be a part of the meeting, we were not primary to the case. So why the hell did we get an invite to the damn thing?!?!? I can't tell you how angry brian and i were last night. As far as they know, brian had to take time from work to be a part of this call. And you don't just leave people waiting for a call for over an hour. Once again, mesa county and the caseworker involved in our case have shown us just how rude, disrespectful and inconsiderate they can be to people. I am still angry about this and can't believe they are okay with treating people this way, this is not the last they have heard from us about this incident. We are letting much more important people than the caseworker know that this behavior and treatment of people is not acceptable. These people work for the county and ultimately they get state and federal money to run their program. They will be hearing from me and brian! Okay, enough about that.
So today we had the attachment observation with the youngest. It was a very stressful situation, handled very differently from the observation we had done here in boulder county (have i said how much i love and appreciate boulder county?!?!). The foster mom dropped the little guy off in the room. She is very abrupt, no comfort for him, in no way is she helpful in making the exchange easy or pleasant. The poor little guy cried off and on the whole time and really, honestly, i have no idea what they saw or observed as far as his attachment. The therapist reassured us that it wasn't so much to see how we react to or with him it was more to observe how he deals with attachment and a stressful situation involving attachment. I don't know, it's hard for me to trust these people, they have not proven to me they can be trusted (see above)! So, the whole thing was pretty stressful for him, brian was asked to leave the room about 15 minutes into it, to see how the little guy reacted to that, and then he came back in we tried to keep the little guy distracted and calm him down. Then i guess they decided to end the observation. No one told me they were going to end and all of a sudden the foster mom walks in, LITERALLY grabs the little guy out of my arms as i am holding him, makes a rude comment i fortunately didn't hear and walks out. I was left sitting on the floor in utter shock! I have never had an exchange with a child like that. I am still in shock and can't believe this lady is allowed to act this way and take care of foster children! I then find out from brian that the whole time we were in the room, the foster mom was standing outside the door! Is there no privacy, is there no respect! These boys are not her boys! She has no legal guardianship! She has no rights! How can she sit outside the door the whole time we are having our observation done and no one tells her to go wait in the lobby?!?! That poor little guy now thinks we are the awful people who made him sit in this tiny room, we are the bad guys. He takes his cues from her and she treats us like shit, so what is he to think of us? I am livid! and i sure hope the therapist understood how inappropriate the foster mom's actions were today.
This foster mom is the worst foster parent i have ever met, and i hope this is not an indication of the type of people that foster in mesa county. I hope that everyone sees her for what she truly is.....a selfish, angry, disrespectful and awful parent. If she treats us this way in front of the boys, caseworkers and therapists...what does she say about us in her home, in front of the boys. No wonder the little guy cries. This lady is going to have to deal with the repercussions of the way she treats people, sooner or later. If she gets the boys, she will have to answer their questions one day and i can guarantee they will come looking for their family and we will be here waiting with answers to their questions. And if we get the boys, i hope she realizes that the only reason she lost them was because of the way she has treated us from the very beginning. I hope she can sleep well at night, she is a miserable person and obviously does not have the best interest of the boys in mind. She would not be making this experience harder on them if she did. She would be trying to make this as easy for them as she could.
That is what brian told the therapist today, 'We will take the bumps in the road for these boys, so they don't have to take them.' Hear that mesa county foster mom, THAT'S how you be a parent!

honey, honey

What a wonderful visit with our lil' love bug yesterday! She was so excited to see us, as usual. She just jumps up and down all over, laughing, giggling, screaming and she is ready to walk out the door! I picked her up and brought her to our home for the first time since she left. I could tell she was looking and trying to figure out exactly why she knew the house. Jasmine and stitch were so happy to see her and jumped all over her, making her laugh, they couldn't stop licking her. She wanted to use the bathroom first thing and started checking out everything and in there, looking at the shower and bath and asked me if she could take a bath. I told her sure but not right this minute.lol She is so funny. We had a wonderful time with her, she loved seeing her room. She would tell me "i'm going to play in my room" and then off she'd go. I went to play with her and she said i could go. She loved having that space all to herself. She helped us to make dinner and we made her favorite dinner, at least it was her favorite one when she lived with us - tacos! She ate great. We watched oompa loompas and honey, honey - that's willy wonka and the chocolate factory and mamma mia. She still watches bits and pieces as she moves around, playing and doing other things. She didn't want to leave brian's side. We took her home and she was so sad, it breaks my heart every time we have to say goodbye, she cries and I just want to keep her with me forever. We scheduled a visit for next Thursday and her mom said that the shorter the time between visits, the better. I look forward to spending time with our lil' love bug!