baggage

I have blogged a little about how hard it is to take care of family instead of a foster child. It carries a lot of extra relationship baggage that i didn't have when caring for our lovebug. The relationship with the children's parents or the children's other family members doesn't just depend on how the children were/are treated by these people but the relationship also depends on the relationship that i have had with them in the past. I know A LOT more about the boys' family then i have ever known or will know about lovebug's family. Unfortunately, i have not had a great relationship with them in the past. It is hard to separate my feelings for 'brian's family' from 'the boys' family'. I haven't had to deal with it much yet but it is something i am going to have to deal with in the near future and i am going to have to figure out what type of a relationship i want with the boys' family and how much i want them involved with the boys. It is a lot to think about.
Surprisingly my biggest worry concerns brian's mom, the boys' grandma. Ugh. This is going to be rough. Brian's mom has never liked me. We have had our moments where we have been able to get along but it deteriorates quickly. She feels like i disrespected her in the beginning of mine and brian's relationship and she has treated me badly ever since. She literally did not say one word to me on my wedding day! Seriously. I have a lot of hurt feelings when it comes to her and after 8 years of being treated this way, i told brian two years ago that i was done trying. She refuses to apologize for any of her actions and doesn't believe she has done anything wrong. There is no way to mend a relationship when only one person is willing to do the work. I feel like i have tried and i refuse to put myself in any situation where i will be treated rudely or disrespectfully. I have been happy with my decision and i am fortunate that brian has understood my feelings. He has seen the way i have been treated and he does not expect me to 'suck it up and take it'. I have never expected or asked brian to not have a relationship with his mother, i have never given him an ultimatum to choose. He goes to his mother's house by himself and i let him have his time with his mom, he goes over there whenever he wants. He is an adult and and he can make those decisions for himself. I don't have to be there to protect him, to buffer the snide remarks and reassure him that her behavior should not affect his image of himself. This leads me to my dilemma. I don't know what kind of contact i am going to want to allow with the boys grandma, brian's mom, my mother-in-law. The boys are young and have no way to communicate if they feel uncomfortable, threatened or sad. She is very strait forward and tells you what she thinks. She doesn't hold back! She sees these boys as brian's brother's boys, and right now they are his boys. And in some way they will always be his boys. But i am hoping that one day the boys will be our boys. They are going to be my sons and brian's sons and i don't know that she will ever see it that way. She gets something in her mind and that's the way it is! I don't know what she will say to the boys or if she doesn't say it to the boys what is she going to be talking about with the grown-ups when the boys are around her? If she thinks i am disrespectful, rude and a snob and she feels like she has a right to say what she wants then what will come out of her mouth about me. Kids hear and pick up on everything. Will she think it is her place to tell the boys about their bio dad? defending him? making him sound better than he is? giving the boys false hopes and mixed up ideas? It will be an ongoing and evolving situation and it is something brian and i will have to decide together.