a mixture

I have a good friend from support group who is about to adopt. I have such a mixture of feelings about this. I will tell you that first and foremost, I am extremely happy for them and for them to have their forever children is a blessing.........but then there is this part of me that is so sad and i just want this so bad for me and brian. I know that my friend who is adopting soon (you know who you are) will understand that i have these feelings, it has been a long road for her as well. Every time someone announces in group that their adoption is finally happening, i am always happy for them but seeing them get to adopt only reminds me of my loss and makes me miss our lil' love bug even more. It is just a reminder of how deeply i want a child and it brings those feelings of loss to the surface once again. It is the same feeling i have when i find out someone is pregnant. Ultimately i am happy for them, but i feel my loss even deeper. If you have never experienced infertility or had a child leave you to return to their birth family, you will never know how deep the pain is in my heart and soul. It is so easy to develop a friendship with the women i have met who are experiencing or who have experienced the same frustrations and loss. They truly know what is in my heart and soul and i have been so lucky to have them in my life. It has been a long 9 years of trying to start a family. Every year or two, i experience another loss and it is getting hard to keep the optimism and hope. It is so sad that a happy time for such a good friend should bring up all these emotions, but it does.
I will be at her party on saturday and i want her to know that i will be genuinely happy and excited for her and her family. I know what it has taken to get to this point, i have heard her stories and i have felt her pain and sadness leading up to this day. It is truly a wonderful celebration!
I just hope my prayers will be answered and we will have a day to celebrate soon.