building the parental bond

If you have had the privilege and the ability to take care of foster children, then you know that just because these children are placed in your home, doesn't mean you have an instant parental bond and love with them. It takes time and a lot of work. It is what i am trying to remind myself. I have so much love for our lil' love bug and i feel this guilt when i think about the way i feel towards the boys. I love the boys and i am so happy they are in my home, but that parental love and bond isn't there yet. I remind myself that it will take time, it didn't come to me immediately with our lil' love bug either.
When you think about it, a mother is pregnant for 9 months, the parents have this time to get used to the idea of having a new one in the house, they get to bond with the baby and prepare for the coming of this child. They buy clothes, diapers, get the nursery ready, they can talk and sing to the baby, they eat for the baby and take care of each other.......all of this in preparation for this child that will take 9 months to grow and eventually enter the world. Then these babies are born and are totally dependent on you and this just reinforces that bond between the baby and parents. They sleep a lot and their needs are minimal......feed me, change me, hold me, help me sleep and love me. It gives the parents and baby the opportunity to grow together. You learn your child's likes and dislikes, what their cries mean and how to help them when they need you. It has got to be a wonderful experience, to grow with your child like that, to get to know each other so intensely and intimately.
Doing foster care, you don't get the ability to 'grow into' being a parent. You get a call and the child is in your home hours later. Even in our case with the boys, we did not know we were going to get the boys till court and there we were picking them up 2 hours later and bringing them home. There you go......instant family of 3!
The reality is that if you do foster care, you don't know who you are going to get. You can request a certain age or sex but chances are you will get calls for a wide range of ages and either gender. We learned this when we got our first placement, our lil' love bug. I had her room decorated for a baby, we had asked for a child 1 or younger. She was 14 months old and many of the toys i had stocked up on were for a baby. She was not interested or was too big to fit in them. I had a swing, an excersaucer and rattles! She was way beyond all of that! Not to mention the fact that we planned on fostering 1 child and here we are with 3, you never know where this foster care roller coaster is going to take you!
These children come to you with their likes and dislikes and it is a puzzle you as the parent spend the next year (if you actually get to keep them in your home for that long) trying to figure out. You have to learn what foods they like or don't like, heaven forbid you make a whole meal and they gag on all of it! Are they afraid of the dark? Do they like their bedroom door open? Nightmares? How long do they sleep? What time are they used to going to bed? wake up? Do they sleep with a special animal, in a twin bed, toddler bed, crib? Those are just some of the bedtime questions!
It is overwhelming at first, and it takes time to figure these things out. It takes time to build that bond between you and them, you learn these things as you go. You do get to grow together but it is definitely a different experience and it is a much rougher road to walk. You try to get it right and you try to love them like your own, but it feels more like doing day care for awhile. The parental love will come with time, it just might take the nine months or so.
And don't forget you are trying to build this bond with these children after they have been through a traumatic experience and have already been let down by their parents. There is already a mistrust of adults so not only are you trying to build a loving bond but trying to build it while helping them build themselves back up and through their trauma.
We are at the beginning of this process, it will take time and a lot of work not only from us but from the boys.