trying to understand

I am having a rough day, we had some communication with our case worker but there is still no news. I am in an angry place right now, i am so angry that we have been put in this place of having to start our whole grieving process over again. I was finally at a point where i wasn't crying every day. I was okay with the decision and i was ready to have a relationship with our lil' love bug on a limited basis. I am just so angry that we are here waiting again, so many foster parents have had their foster children go home to the birth families and they grieve and move on. I am not trying to trivialize this process, believe me i understand the pain, i understand that the loss is something that will be there forever but i also know that the pain subsides because it had subsided for me and i can only imagine that it would have subsided more if we had been able to continue on the path we were on. I was looking forward to our next placement, we had planned a great vacation to washington dc and north carolina, i was in a good place. We are now on hold, we have chosen not to take in a placement at this time, we cancelled our trip and we are waiting for a decision. I pray that we get our lil' love bug back and then i will know what all this pain is for, i will be grateful and i will finally understand God's plan. If she doesn't come home...............i will be at a loss