My first Loss

A Little over 8 years ago I married my husband Brian. We were so excited to start a family and we decided to start right away. We both knew we wanted kids. We were expecting to be pregnant within a couple of months. About a year after trying and no pregnancy we went to the doctor to start those wonderful tests and they couldn't find anything wrong............HUH?!?! Why am I not getting pregnant then? They couldn't seem to give me any answers. The only doctor I ever went to was my primary care physician, I never went to any kind of infertility specialist, I figured God had a plan for me and Brian and I didn't want to mess with it. I am not comfortable taking tests and rarely take medicine, the tests I had already taken at my doctors was enough for me. It was my personal choice to let it happen naturally. It was an incredibly frustrating time and every month was an incredible letdown!! Then in January of 2002 I found out I was pregnant! What an exciting time............short time. The happiness of being pregnant lasted a little over a week and then I started to miscarry. It was devastating. I couldn't believe we had tried for so long and here we were losing our baby. I cried A LOT! I felt such anger and loss. I am very lucky to have such a wonderful husband and really he is my best friend. We got through it together. I have to say that it was hard not having a girlfriend to talk to about it though. I didn't know anyone at the time who had gone through the same thing. I tried talking to friends but no one seemed to know what to say..............maybe I didn't need them to say anything. I would have loved someone to just listen and cry with me and let me know that my feelings were valid. I had so much anger, I felt so alone and didn't understand why it was so hard for me to get pregnant when it seemed like every other woman(and many teenagers) in the world were able to do it, no problem! There was a lot of 'I'm sorry' and hugs and love surrounding me, so many reassurances about God's plan. I just wish I had someone who had gone through the same thing talk to, maybe then I would not have felt so alone and lost. Even now, it is so hard to express those feelings that surrounded me at that time. I grieved and life goes on, we started trying again. I can't say that I am done grieving, even over that first loss. I think that I have not allowed myself to let go of that first loss because about every 2 years I experience a new loss and it just reopens those old wounds. I have found that I am a strong woman. Sometimes I even wonder how I keep going, keep trying. I believe that God has a plan for me and Brian, I just haven't figured it out yet. We are still trying to have a family and I still have hope that it will happen. HOPE........without it, how would I live. I can't imagine a life without hope and the day I lose hope is the day I give up on life. I don't want THAT day to ever come!