my second pregnancy

There we were trying again, we had experienced an incredible loss but at least we knew i could get pregnant. That was a good feeling, knowing that there was the possibility. We continued to try and all those feelings of inadequacy and wanting came flooding back. The disappointment surrounded me every month when i knew i wasn't pregnant............again! Such an evil feeling of jealousy would overcome my thoughts every time someone around me was pregnant. This of course went on for 2 more years and then we discovered we were pregnant, the excitement of being pregnant is wonderful! It all seemed to be going fine but then i got a call that my blood level was extremely low (normal being 14, i was a 4!) i was admitted to the hospital immediately and they started doing tests to see where i was losing blood. That's when they discovered it was a tubal (ectopic) pregnancy. Again we were crushed! How could this be happening, how could i be losing another baby. They had to give me blood before they could even get me in for surgery, i was so low. Here we were, this time i not only lost our baby but a fallopian tube. This was harder to deal with then the miscarriage, it was a double loss. Who knew i was so attached to a tube? Well, it really wasn't the tube, it was the idea that it was only going to be that much harder to get pregnant again. We had a really hard time with this loss, i felt like i was letting down my husband and i couldn't understand why my body couldn't keep a baby. Brian of course was wonderful and kept reassuring me we would be fine.........it was just so overwhelming. As awful as the surgery was i feel like it helped to have that physical pain, it made the loss more tangible and i felt like i could grieve and start recovery as my body started to recover from the surgery. We recovered but this time i wasn't so focused on getting pregnant again. I felt like i had such a slim chance of getting pregnant again, i gave up trying. I know this sounds like i gave up hope........NEVER! I still had it in the back of my mind that it was possible that i could still get pregnant. It took us some time to get over this loss and of course this loss brought back the loss of our first baby. It was a hard time but we moved on and eventually we started to explore other options...................it's the journey i am on currently.