Today has been a rough day, it's been coming on for a week or so. I am really missing our lil' love bug, it's been about a month now since we saw her last. It was such an amazing visit, we all had such a good time and her mom sounded interested in letting us have regular visits. I really thought she was going to do the right thing for our lil' love bug, i have my doubts now. It makes me so angry, i hate having to depend on her to let me see our lil' love bug, to know that she can decide to never let us see her again. I have called several times and i have left her messages but she has not returned my calls. The caseworker saw her last week and she said that mom was going to call or e-mail, but nothing yet. I hate that i am on this emotional roller coaster still. I will figure this out one day, hopefully soon. I am just trying to FEEL these emotions, to let them come over me and be in the moment with my pain and sadness. This too shall pass.
I think i am having a hard time right now because we are getting so involved with the boys too. I know that we can't wait for our lil' love bug to come back to us, that is something that will most likely not happen. However, since her mom considered letting her come back home to us, it's hard not to think that this is a possibility. It's always there in the back of my mind and heart that her mom will once again realize that our lil' love bug would be so much happier here with me and brian. My biggest fear is that we will get these boys in our house and then her mom will decide she can't take care of our lil' love bug. I don't think it will be possible for her to come to our home if we have another placement, whether it's the boys or some other child(ren). I know that we cannot just sit around and wait for her mom to change her mind but it's so hard to close the door. I am ready to move on, it's just going to be hard. I get so excited when i think about having 3 boys in our home; how wonderful, fulfilling and amazing it is going to be! but in the same thought there is the sadness of having to close the door to our lil' love bug coming back home to us.
I know that we will be okay. I trust that whatever children come into our lives and our home, these are the children we are meant to have at that time and one day we will have the children we are meant to have as our own. I have always believed that. I believe that God will take care of our lil' love bug and i pray every night, every day, every minute that she is happy and safe. That is my only true wish, everything else is just extras. She is on my mind every single day, throughout my day and i just want her to love her life, to grow up safe and to become the amazing girl she is meant to be. If i can have visits with her and watch her grow into this amazing girl, it will be a blessing.
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ugh.... Makes me so sad to hear your sadness. I hate that the heart doesnt just quit when they leave. Lol. Not really then we would kind of all be desensitized. Wish it was that easy to turn off though. I pray to for her happiness and safety. She has had a good base and they say their first fifteen months are so important. This is maybe what God needed to happen for her. You gave her the feeling of knowing real pure love. She returned it back and you will forever hold that little girl in your heart. No matter who comes in and out of your life. She was your angel and you and Brian were hers and always will be. The feeling you have for her will never go away. Yes it does get easier, but always an emptiness. It is and always will be a bittersweet time in your life. I pray for happiness to follow u now and forever. Love is a real tough emotion, but one that one should never go thru life without experiencing. In that department you have been very lucky!!! I for one am a better person for knowing you and being the recepient of your love. God Bless you. Keep the faith. You are totally AWESOME!!!
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