understanding and forgiveness

I am going through a hard time right now, it is hard to be around people. I can't believe that we are going through all this......still. I am just so tired of it. Every time i think we have found our way to the other side of the pain, every time i think we are ready to live our happiness, we hit a brick wall. It is hard to hear the words of sympathy, it is hard to answer the questions. I find myself pulling away, keeping to ourselves. Me, brian and the boys. Just us. Dealing with our loss together but alone.

I don't want to go around family, because they ask the questions i don't want to answer. Over and over and over. I have invited them into our lives, they are my family, they have supported me over the years and they want to help, love and comfort. I am just not in a place to receive it right now. The pain is too raw. There is so much unknown and i have not dealt with the sadness and pain of her not being here yet. I am not ready to answer questions, i really don't have any answers right now.

It has been 8 years since my first miscarriage. Everyone knows my story. Everyone knows about my losses. I have put myself out there, especially with this blog but it is the form of communication that i am most comfortable with. I find that when i write i can say and feel it all. I can get across how i am feeling in a way i can never do when trying to verbally communicate. I am needing some time to figure this out, to know what this all means for my family. How we are going to get through this.

So forgive me if i don't show up to the get together. Forgive me if i am there but not 'present'. Forgive me if i don't answer the questions. Forgive me, i don't have the answers right now. Forgive me, i need some space. I feel the love. I see the sympathy in your eyes. I hear the sadness in your voice. I am sorry you have to go through this too. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I wish i could just have a baby. I wish it was that easy for me. I wish you didn't have to search for the words to comfort me. I wish you didn't have to watch me go through the pain. I just wish....so many wishes.....so few answers.....a lot of understanding needed.

It's all i can do

I get into these situations and i don't know how to handle them. I don't know who to scream at. I don't know who to tell. So i write. Lovebug's mom picked her up about 3:30 and is planning on heading to grand junction for the summer. She promises to bring her back in august for school. I don't believe her. I am still angry with social services. I recentley received a survey from the colorado department of human services asking why we have decided not to be foster parents.(we are no longer foster parents, we have been switched to kinship care since we got the boys). I have filled out the form and i am attaching a letter. It's all i can do. As a foster parent we have no say, we have no rights and we deal with the after effects of a system that is broken and not working....anyway back to the letter. Here it is:


I am writing this as a former foster parent and a current kinship parent. We were foster parents for the county of Boulder. We have dealt with (caseworkers name), she was our foster daughter’s caseworker and her supervisor (supervisor's name). We had a little girl in our care for a year and 4 months when she went home to her bio mother in February of 2010. We were not comfortable with her going home but obviously we had no control. We met with the little girl and bio mother 2 months after she went home, at that time the bio mom thought she might decide to let the girl come back to live with us. She was given a month to decide and decided to keep her. The case was kept open. I am not exactly sure the reason they kept the case open. I do know that mom was expecting a baby in November. During this time, we had random visits with the little girl, about once a month. The visits started to increase in about September and October. We started getting the little girl every other weekend, then every weekend and then the visits would extend past the weekend and we would have her for a week. The visits were being set up through social services at first but they did not continue to stay involved in the arrangement of visits, but the case was still open. The visits were not consistent. The bio mother continued to extend the visits past the set amount of time. We continued to communicate with the caseworker and voiced our concerns with the visits, mom not willing to communicate with us and my ‘gut feeling’ that something was wrong. After the first of the year(2011), bio mom started to leave her with us for a week and then 2 weeks at a time. She then left her with us on March 4 and left her with us for over 3 months. She has called and communicated with us about every 2 weeks. She kept extending the amount of time she needed us to watch the little girl until it turned into a situation where she wanted to leave her with us.
Social services has been involved this whole time up until 2 weeks ago when they said they were going to close the case. This case has been open for 2 years and 10 months. Social services has decided to close this case now. RIGHT NOW! Not anytime during this last year when all seemed fine with mom and the kids but now when it all seems to be falling apart. Now, when bio mom needs the most help. She was diagnosed with post-partum depression and depression in March. Her boyfriend of several years, and father of her other two children, broke up with her. The boyfriend refuses to let her see her other two children and has told her he has moved to another state. She had to move out of her home she had with him for the last 2 years and is living with her mom’s old boyfriend. A home that she has been told she now has 4 days to move out of, forcing her to move to Grand Junction with the only family member she speaks to. This family member is her sister who’s 1 year old little girl just died in February and the girl’s father is facing criminal charges for her death. She has NO support! The only support she had is gone: her boyfriend, his family, social services, her kids. Oh wait, she does have support. Her 3 year old daughter. And she is taking off with her to Grand Junction to live with her sister.
This bio mom had decided to leave this little girl with us and was willing to sign some sort of papers to give us custody, guardianship…something. Shortly after deciding this social services decided they were done with this case. They decided it was time to close the case and leave us to figure out how to get papers signed. We were told we had to do this on our own and bio mom needed to figure it out with legal services.
I am very angry and upset with the way this case has been handled. I am so incredibly sad for this little girl who will not have anyone looking out for her safety. We were all she had and now she is moving 5 hours away, too far for mom to call and ask us to come pick up this little girl because she is overwhelmed. Something she is used to doing. I cannot believe that social services has decided to close this case when there is not stability. I cannot believe this case was even allowed to be closed with so many unanswered questions. Bio mom is mentally unstable, living with friends, has no car to get around and has no room, clothes, car seat or necessities for this little girl; yet social services decided to close this case and leave this little girl in limbo.
My husband and I wanted to do foster care once our adoption of our nephews was finalized. We have a lot more to give to children. We wanted to continue to make a difference in children’s lives. I don’t see us being able to continue with foster care at this point. We are disheartened. We are frustrated and cannot stand to see another child and their family so easily written off by a system that is supposed to be there to help these people in need. This bio mom and child both need support and social services made the decision to close the case. It is an uncaring, thoughtless and absolutely horrendous decision. I am appalled. I do not know the reasoning. We are only foster parents and we do not get that sort of information. We are not allowed answers and we are not given the respect of explanations.
These are the reasons we will not be returning to the foster care system as foster parents.

tomorrow, a decision?

No idea what is going on with lovebug's mom! Supposed to have a decision made this week but nothing yet. We will see how long social services lets her slide this time. I am so frustrated! Mom acts like she has no idea what is expected of her and i did talk to her today but she played dumb, saying she didn't know why the caseworker said she would call me this week. grrrr. She said she had a stressful week, missed her therapy and was going to try and get on track next week. seriously?! This cannot continue to go on like this. We need answers and we need a decision. So anyway, she called because the ex boyfriend wanted to have lovebug for an overnight tonight and i had to have her permission to let lovebug go. After close to 12 phone calls back and forth between ex boyfriend, mom and the caseworker, it was decided that lovebug would go for an overnight tonight. Ex boyfriend picked her up at about noon and said that he was picking up lovebug's mom. She was going to join them at his parents house, they live in the mountains and he wanted to take the kids sledding.

My biggest fear: they will not bring lovebug back! I am missing her soooo much and my house seems so quiet without her here.....

a month later

Here we are a month later and as most of you may know.......we have had our lovebug this whole month! That's right, she has been here at our house, living, loving, playing and enjoying herself. Her mom finally called and let us know that she had admitted herself to a place, she is being treated for post-partum depression. It makes a lot of sense and i knew something was going on. I just assumed it was drugs. I am happy that she is getting help. Having said that, there is a part of me that wishes it would have been something that would have made this whole situation easier...for all of us. something that would force social services to take our lovebug away.....that is not the case. Any decision that would keep lovebug in our home will have to come from her mom. I am praying every second of every day that this is the decision that her mom makes. I know she is considering it. I pray that she can see past her needs and do what is best for lovebug. Our lovebug wants to stay with us so badly. She feels safe and she is doing great. Her mom called yesterday and i asked if she wanted to talk to her, the first thing she says before she answers me is 'am i staying here'. i told her yes, she was staying here and she got happy and was excited to talk to her mom. I know she loves her mom but she doesn't want to live there, she wants to stay with us. She says it. I feel bad for her mom because i know that this time it was not her fault. She could not control the fact that she could not function and take care of her kids because of the post-partum depression. She had to get help and she needed to do this but this is not something that lovebug understands. Unfortunately her mom did not make good choices in the past and now this is the second time that lovebug has been away from her mom for a significant amount of time. She is going to be devastated if she has to leave us again.
Mom is getting out this week, maybe. We will see what she is planning on doing. I hope she can make the right decision for our lovebug. I am thankful that we are able to talk to each other. I feel like we could have a really good relationship. We'll see what the next few months bring our way.

a mixture

I have a good friend from support group who is about to adopt. I have such a mixture of feelings about this. I will tell you that first and foremost, I am extremely happy for them and for them to have their forever children is a blessing.........but then there is this part of me that is so sad and i just want this so bad for me and brian. I know that my friend who is adopting soon (you know who you are) will understand that i have these feelings, it has been a long road for her as well. Every time someone announces in group that their adoption is finally happening, i am always happy for them but seeing them get to adopt only reminds me of my loss and makes me miss our lil' love bug even more. It is just a reminder of how deeply i want a child and it brings those feelings of loss to the surface once again. It is the same feeling i have when i find out someone is pregnant. Ultimately i am happy for them, but i feel my loss even deeper. If you have never experienced infertility or had a child leave you to return to their birth family, you will never know how deep the pain is in my heart and soul. It is so easy to develop a friendship with the women i have met who are experiencing or who have experienced the same frustrations and loss. They truly know what is in my heart and soul and i have been so lucky to have them in my life. It has been a long 9 years of trying to start a family. Every year or two, i experience another loss and it is getting hard to keep the optimism and hope. It is so sad that a happy time for such a good friend should bring up all these emotions, but it does.
I will be at her party on saturday and i want her to know that i will be genuinely happy and excited for her and her family. I know what it has taken to get to this point, i have heard her stories and i have felt her pain and sadness leading up to this day. It is truly a wonderful celebration!
I just hope my prayers will be answered and we will have a day to celebrate soon.

future contact

It is hard to decide what kind of contact is allowable and acceptable for the bio-parents to have with their children. The children need to have that contact but they also need to feel secure and safe in your home and with you. You want them to know that their parents love them, which is always the case but that their parents just couldn't take care of them. (whatever the reason) It is definitely a decision that needs to be made on a case by case basis. These children come from very different situations and you have to be comfortable with the parents enough to trust that they will not hurt the child during any future contact. It is a huge responsibility and decision to make. There is all kinds of contact and the contact you decide to make available to the parents may not be what they were expecting or wanting. Phone calls, letters, packages or visits; whether they are weekly, monthly, holidays or maybe once a year, these are the decisions that need to be made. Not only do you have to make the best decision for your kids (who are your family now) you have caseworkers, friends, family and bio family telling you what is the best thing. Why do people feel they have a say, they would never offer advice so willingly if these were our biological children. It is disrespectful and frustrating. Heaven forbid, you have grandparents, aunts or uncles come forward and want to have contact with these children! It takes a lot of patience, love and understanding to deal with so many people feeling they have a claim to your children. There is a lot of guilt when you finally make your decision and you hope that you can work through it and stick to your decision, not just for yourself but for your children.
It has to be the best thing for your family and you hope that family, friends and caseworkers will respect your decision and keep their opinions to themselves. It is your family. Sometimes it is even hard for us to to be confident with our decisions and to realize that these kids will be our family and our responsibility and we get to make those decisions. We have spent so many months getting permission to cut their hair, take them on vacation, reporting when we give them medicine, when they get hurt. It is hard to get out of the mindset that these children belong to someone else.
One day these children will be ours and we will get to make the decisions and we will no longer have to report to someone else. I pray that when that day comes, we will make the best decisions for our family and we will not have the guilt.

building the parental bond

If you have had the privilege and the ability to take care of foster children, then you know that just because these children are placed in your home, doesn't mean you have an instant parental bond and love with them. It takes time and a lot of work. It is what i am trying to remind myself. I have so much love for our lil' love bug and i feel this guilt when i think about the way i feel towards the boys. I love the boys and i am so happy they are in my home, but that parental love and bond isn't there yet. I remind myself that it will take time, it didn't come to me immediately with our lil' love bug either.
When you think about it, a mother is pregnant for 9 months, the parents have this time to get used to the idea of having a new one in the house, they get to bond with the baby and prepare for the coming of this child. They buy clothes, diapers, get the nursery ready, they can talk and sing to the baby, they eat for the baby and take care of each other.......all of this in preparation for this child that will take 9 months to grow and eventually enter the world. Then these babies are born and are totally dependent on you and this just reinforces that bond between the baby and parents. They sleep a lot and their needs are minimal......feed me, change me, hold me, help me sleep and love me. It gives the parents and baby the opportunity to grow together. You learn your child's likes and dislikes, what their cries mean and how to help them when they need you. It has got to be a wonderful experience, to grow with your child like that, to get to know each other so intensely and intimately.
Doing foster care, you don't get the ability to 'grow into' being a parent. You get a call and the child is in your home hours later. Even in our case with the boys, we did not know we were going to get the boys till court and there we were picking them up 2 hours later and bringing them home. There you go......instant family of 3!
The reality is that if you do foster care, you don't know who you are going to get. You can request a certain age or sex but chances are you will get calls for a wide range of ages and either gender. We learned this when we got our first placement, our lil' love bug. I had her room decorated for a baby, we had asked for a child 1 or younger. She was 14 months old and many of the toys i had stocked up on were for a baby. She was not interested or was too big to fit in them. I had a swing, an excersaucer and rattles! She was way beyond all of that! Not to mention the fact that we planned on fostering 1 child and here we are with 3, you never know where this foster care roller coaster is going to take you!
These children come to you with their likes and dislikes and it is a puzzle you as the parent spend the next year (if you actually get to keep them in your home for that long) trying to figure out. You have to learn what foods they like or don't like, heaven forbid you make a whole meal and they gag on all of it! Are they afraid of the dark? Do they like their bedroom door open? Nightmares? How long do they sleep? What time are they used to going to bed? wake up? Do they sleep with a special animal, in a twin bed, toddler bed, crib? Those are just some of the bedtime questions!
It is overwhelming at first, and it takes time to figure these things out. It takes time to build that bond between you and them, you learn these things as you go. You do get to grow together but it is definitely a different experience and it is a much rougher road to walk. You try to get it right and you try to love them like your own, but it feels more like doing day care for awhile. The parental love will come with time, it just might take the nine months or so.
And don't forget you are trying to build this bond with these children after they have been through a traumatic experience and have already been let down by their parents. There is already a mistrust of adults so not only are you trying to build a loving bond but trying to build it while helping them build themselves back up and through their trauma.
We are at the beginning of this process, it will take time and a lot of work not only from us but from the boys.

I'm tired.....

Trying to find the motivation to keep the boys active, happy and learning new things. I am exhausted right now and they do such a great job at keeping each other busy and playing together. I realize my need to interact and involve myself in their play but i am having some medical problems right now and hope that i can get it resolved soon so i can get back to feeling 'normal'. My blood level is real low again (average is 14, i am at 8.7) My doctor would normally request a blood transfusion but since i have chronic anemia and my body is used to running low, she let me have the option of going to the blood specialist and seeing what he can do for me first, last time i got an iron infusion.

Some of the symptoms of iron deficiency anemia:

*Weakness, fatigue, or lack of stamina
*Shortness of breath during exercise
*Headache
*Difficulty concentrating
*Irritability
*Dizziness
*Pale skin
*Craving substances that are not food (pica). In particular, a craving for ice
*Rapid heartbeat
*Brittle fingernails and toenails
*Cracked lips
*Muscle pain during exercise

Okay, so i have about 9 out 12 of these symptoms. I already mentioned my lack of stamina right now. I definitely have shortness of breath! I have been waking up with headaches every day. I have had such a hard time writing my blog lately because i just can't sit and concentrate long enough to write (this is taking me close to 2 hours to write!) I can't tell if it is the stress of having 3 new family members in our home or the lack of blood that is making me so irritable. I have had a few dizzy spells, i try not to stand up too quickly. I am buying a bag of ice from sonic every week! It is awful, i chew so much my teeth sometimes hurt. My nails look like crap, and i get muscle cramps just sitting.
I feel so awful that the boys are not getting the 'real' me. I find that i am cranky and little things annoy me, things that wouldn't normally bother me. I want to play games with them, paint and break out the sensory stuff but i feel so damn tired all the time, i use the energy i do have to make sure they are clean, well fed and we don't live in a pig sty. It takes all i have to get out of bed in the morning, i just want to lay there all day. I can't, i'm a mom once again and mom's don't have the luxury of laying in bed and taking a day off.
I pray i will get this resolved in the next couple of weeks, i want to be the best mom i can be and right now i am not happy with the job i am doing.

a little about banana

We don't really call the youngest banana but i LOVE the way he says banana so for my blog i will call him banana.
Banana has a lot of attachment issues and i can see that he will need the most work in getting him to feel comfortable here in our home. I don't know a lot of what to look for as far as his attachment goes but i know that the therapist he had in mesa county seemed very concerned. She is concerned because she feels that banana doesn't seem to have the tools to calm himself in a stressful situation, he has never formed a healthy attachment with a caregiver and therefore will take a lot of work to form an attachment with me and brian. I have noticed great changes in him so far and hope that once we start therapy he will be able to make even more progress.
He started calling me momma about 2 days ago and the first time he did it was super cute. The boys were eating breakfast and i was in the kitchen. He started yelling momma, momma, momma and i thought 'hmmm, i wonder if he's calling me or trying to say something else.' I came around the corner and he got the biggest smile on his face! It was so cute, it was like he was trying it out and seeing if i would respond to him calling me momma. He has called me momma now a few times and he just smiles so big when i respond. The other two are not calling me momma yet, turtle has tried it out a couple times but is not consistent and gee still calls me lisa.
Banana just started walking not too long ago. He was not sitting up or crawling when he was taken from his bio mom at 13 months old, he has made huge progress. He is 2 now but i find his motor skills to be more around a 1 year old, he is unsure on his feet and falls quite a bit. He doesn't do too good on stairs and often will sit to go down them rather than walk. He has made great progress in just a year and i can't wait for him to start some therapy, i am sure he will catch up soon!
He plays on his own most of the time and doesn't interact with his brothers much, however, he depends on them to be near him. He needs them for emotional support but has not developed the ability to play with them, that will come with time. His play is still very much like a 1 year old and i am sure that once he has the chance to feel secure, loved and safe he will start to put himself out there and play with other children, it really is a learned skill and it will be exciting to see all the things he is going to learn in our home.
He seems to be used to having the rule of the house, he hits his brothers a lot and has bitten turtle twice. He throws and takes away toys and thinks it is very funny when he gets in trouble. He gives me a big grin, almost like he is expecting me to laugh at his behavior. I think he got away with a lot of inappropriate behavior in his previous foster home. He was in the home the longest, he came into the home as a baby and needed a lot of extra care and unfortunately he received little discipline. It is something we are working on, appropriate behavior and consequences for inappropriate behavior.
We definitely have our work cut out for us with these three little boys. I am so happy they are in our home, though. I feel like me and brian will be able to make a big difference in their lives and we love them so much already. I know that our love will grow with them everyday and i am looking forward to starting our therapies and hopefully preschool for the oldest. It is exciting and i sure hope they will get to stay in our home and we will have the opportunity to adopt them. They are wonderful boys and just need parents that are willing to work with them, love them, care for them, make them feel secure and safe and a home and family that will be theirs forever.

a little about our turtle

I am going to tell you what i have learned about the middle boy so far.
I have started calling him turtle, he can be so slow sometimes! He is especially slow when we are getting into the car to go somewhere and i will ask him to move faster and he deliberately slows down. He is very smart and he tries to express himself any way he can!
He is a real sweetheart and was the first one of the boys to initiate affection. He started to come up and lay his head in our laps when we were sitting on the couch. He will sit with us and cuddle up, something neither of the other boys have done with me. He seems very sensitive.
He has very little verbal skills and it surprises me that he did not have therapy set up sooner. He was in speech therapy for only a month or two before coming to our home. He has learned to communicate with hand gestures and sound effects, he really only has about 20 words total so it is surprising that he is able to get his point across so well. Turtle's facial expressions are so fun to see, he is very expressive and again i think it is something he has developed to help him compensate for his lack of verbal skills.
He has really started to test me and brian, acting out and not listening. He is very deliberate in his actions and definitely understands when he is misbehaving. It is his way of getting attention, as i said in the earlier post his older brother is so verbal that turtle needs to find a way to get himself noticed. It is something i need to be aware of; that he needs to have the attention before he starts misbehaving. Gee takes up so much of my energy with his constant talking that it is easy to forget about turtle. I am aware of turtles need for attention and hope that i can meet his needs and that once we start our therapies it will be easier to give him some one on one time.
He is very timid in his gross motor play but has made huge strides since being in our home and i think he just needed some encouragement and someone who would be there to help him. He was scared and held back when playing on playground equipment and now he will at least try and plays on his own more, not needing someone to constantly hold his hand. It gives me great hope that brian and i will be able to help him immensely, considering he has made such big strides in just a few weeks. I am excited to see how well he will do in months and then years!:)

a little about 'Gee'

I am so busy! I am hoping it will settle down here soon. It will be nice to get into a routine.
I am going to try and post about each of the boys separately these next few days. They are so wonderful and i am getting to know them more and more. It is fun and interesting! I hope i will find the time to post more consistently.
I'd like to tell you a little about the oldest. I am going to refer to him as Gee. Gee is an amazing little guy and i can see he has carried a lot of pain and responsibility in his short 4 years. He is a people pleaser and it breaks my heart to see him try so hard to make everyone happy. A lot of the reports we received before we met the boys was that he hit and acted out a lot. I haven't seen that yet, he tries so hard to do everything right and to be a 'good' boy. He is still getting to know us better and i can tell he is worried about having to move again. We are the third home he has been in since he was taken away a year ago. He is trying so hard to be on his best behavior, he is so scared he will have to move. I am sure he thinks it is his fault that he has had to move to so many different homes. It makes you wonder what is going on in their little minds. The therapist stated that he felt he was a naughty boy and the last foster mom seemed to have no patience for him. It makes me so sad to think that he blames himself.
Gee definitely takes care of his brothers. He tries so hard to keep them happy and gets upset when he sees them cry. It should not be his responsibility to take care of his brothers, he needs the time and space to be a 4 year old little boy. The 3 of them depend so much on each other and they are the only constants in each others lives. I can understand how strong that bond has to be for these 3 boys but it makes me sad to think that the oldest has taken on so many of the parenting responsibilities and i hope that he can learn to trust me and brian to be the parents so he can relax and be a child once again.
Gee needs constant reassurance that what he is doing is 'good' behavior and that we approve of his actions. It's like he is giving a commentary on every single action he takes throughout his day. It is the hardest thing for me to deal with, and i am hoping i can get some help in dealing with his need to have constant feedback. He demands so much attention and will keep talking till he gets a reply, it is frustrating because his brothers have speech delays and it is very easy for gee to get the attention by talking over or for his brothers.
Gee is a very loving little guy. He gives hugs and kisses willingly and indiscriminately. It is wonderful to see him so lovable but it is also an indication that he has not been able to establish a healthy attachment to a caregiver. He does not have a fear of strangers which is dangerous. I hope that with therapy and a safe and steady home, he will learn to value himself and not be so willing to give his love to just anyone; not knowing if the person he is giving his hugs and kisses to will hurt him or not.
Gee is a super smart boy and it is amazing that he has been able to retain what he has learned up till now, especially since he has gone through so much emotionally. I am excited to see how much he can learn when he finally feels safe and secure in a home and with a family he can call his forever.

thankful

I have been truly blessed with many wonderful friends and family. It is hard for most people to understand how financially straining it is to foster children. It is not something that people go into to make money. We have been very lucky these last two weeks that so many people have been so kind and giving with their time, money and concerns.

My mom has helped us immensely! We could not have made all these trips back and forth to grand junction without her help. We would not have these boys if she had not let us use her car every weekend and helped us financially. She has been AMAZING!

My brother scot watched the boys for us on the day brian had his surgery and i am so thankful he was able and willing to help us out. It was wonderful that i was able to be there for brian the day of his surgery. It would have been awfully stressful and hard to take care of him if i didn't have my brother here to watch the boys.

My friend loretta and her husband steve have spent their time and money buying clothes for the boys, i am so thankful! The foster mom sent the worst clothes and i am sure she did not send all their clothes either. It is something they desperately need. My friend lives in south dakota and hasn't even met the boys but her and her husband have been so kind and giving and can't wait to get our packages in the mail!

My sister has given me clothes for the boys and i am so thankful for her going through her clothes and taking the time to send me what we can use.

Brian's brother mike and his wife carolyn let us use their pacifica for a few weeks and luckily we had it the last time we went to grand junction so we could bring home the boys and all their stuff! They also put two new tires on our car ~ how wonderful is that! I have not had to buy diapers or wipes yet because carolyn gave us a box! It has helped so much.

A total stranger to us gave us a gift card to target! My mom had a co-worker ask her if we had the boys (i'm sure my mom has shared our story with many of her co-workers!lol) she said yes and he gave her the card "hope this helps a little". WOW! I am humbled.

I am so thankful, i cannot say this enough! We will receive a monthly stipend for each child from the state, it helps but it is not enough to make doing foster care a money maker career!lol We also have not received a single cent so far and probably won't till the middle of October or later. That is why all this help is so wonderful and is truly appreciated.

Finally...........a decision :)

Wow! I finally have a chance to get some of what happened yesterday out and onto my blog! (now it's two days ago!) So, we went to court and everyone sounded like they were sure the boys were going to come home with us. I knew we had a pretty good chance but was surprised to hear everyone talk like it was a done deal! The foster dad talked to brian and it was very sad and upsetting. (of course foster mom did not show up) He was real upset but it was nice that he was able to give us some pointers on what the boys liked to do with him (fishing, hang out in the garage, etc.) He has always been very nice to us and it was heart wrenching to know that they were ready to watch the boys leave their home. It really is too bad that the foster mom wasn't more like the foster dad, the boys could still be in their home! I have to remind myself this, because it was hard to know that because of us, these boys were being taken from a foster family who were going to be very upset and sad to see them go. It's all about choices and unfortunately the foster mom has not made good choices. Thank goodness we stepped forward, the foster family home was not a stable and safe home for the boys.
Court was awful to listen to, the foster mom was worse than i thought. She sounds mentally unstable and is dealing with a lot of grief and loss (may have lost a child in December). I sure hope they can get her some counseling, although it sounds like she has refused any kind of help so far. She is not a very loving and demonstrative caregiver. She is stand-offish with the boys and doesn't give much in the way of hugs and kisses. She is rigid and has set rules and the boys need to follow them, no matter what issues they may have because of the severe amount of neglect they have experienced in their short lives. The therapist was shocked and genuinely upset by her inappropriate behavior. They had attachment observations with her and the oldest and youngest child and she was horrendous! The therapist says that people are usually on their best behavior because they know they are being watched and she was surprised to see her emotionally unavailable and to hear her comments.During the observation with the oldest, she was play wrestling/tickling him and it was the one time the therapist saw her physically engage and show emotion with him. He went to do the same thing to her (tickle) and she grabbed his hand and said 'no touching'. They continued to interact during the observation and she joked with him 'you are mean, i'm going to trade you in for another child'. I couldn't believe it! I think i actually gasped and then i couldn't stop from crying. It was the last straw. The therapist said that the youngest does not have a healthy attachment to the foster mom like she thought he had initially. She has not been able to foster an emotionally healthy relationship with any of the boys. It is really very sad and i am thankful that we were able to step in and provide a home for these boys.
It is because of the foster mom's recent and past behavior that we could not do a transition. She could not handle it emotionally and it would have been worse for the boys. It is really very sad that she could not think of the boys well being and do what was best for them. Everyone who testified and had a chance to speak all said that a transition of some sort is best but that in this situation it was not going to be possible. Court was over at 12 and the foster mom brought the boys to the county building at 2, she didn't even bring them into the building. She was so angry, she refused to have contact with any of the caseworkers or therapists. It would have been nice if she could have made this easier for the boys and reassured them that they were going to be safe in our home and showed them that she was happy for them. (even if she wasn't) It wasn't about her, it's about the boys and i can't believe that there are foster parents out there who cannot put the children's needs ahead of everything else. I would have liked to know their schedule, their likes and dislikes, what they like to play with, how they sleep, favorite foods..............it would have been nice to have any kind of information. It really is too bad.
The bio parents and the boys maternal grandparents all came to the county building to say goodbye to the boys and that was a little crazy. It was definitely overwhelming. They were right up in the boys faces; hugging and kissing them and the little one could not really handle it. He was pretty upset anyway but then with all the commotion we could not get him to calm down and stop crying. Everyone was trying to take pictures, we needed to sign paperwork. It was a lot for everyone to take in, especially in such a short period of time. It is good that the parents got to say goodbye though. They were still having weekly visits with the boys and now the visits are suspended for at least 3 months. They can call and send letters/packages but they will not be allowed to visit with the children.
I really want to get this posted, so i am going to end this now. I hope i will have time to post again soon.

Our foster care philosophy

Many people have suggested that we get a lawyer. It is something brian and i have discussed many times and we always come to the same conclusion. We entered into foster care wanting to adopt a child. We never came into this thinking we would take some one's child away from them. We wanted a child who needed a home and if our home was the right home, then God would place that child here with us. That has always been our philosophy. As a foster parent, we don't always get the whole story. We don't have the training, we don't have the facts, we don't get to see the children with the other parents. We did not go into foster care thinking we were the ones who are responsible for making the decisions. I have to trust that the caseworkers, therapists, judges and all those working on a case, know their job and will do their job. If they don't, that is on them. Not me! I can't sit here and think i know the best place for a child, when i don't have all the information. As foster parents and even as kinship care, we don't get the same information that the judge and caseworker get. I honestly believe that God will choose what children belong in my home and i trust that God will guide those involved in making the decision. It is ultimately his decision and nothing i do is going to change that. I pray every night for the people involved in both of our cases. I pray for our lil' love bug's mom and family, for her caseworker and i pray for the judge and caseworkers involved in the boys' case. I know that this is the only real power i have, trusting in God. He will make the final decision and he will guide those involved.
Could you imagine how awful it would feel if i felt i could control the situation and then it didn't go the way i felt it should? Such disappointment, what a feeling of failure and the guilt! I couldn't continue to do foster care with those types of issues! I would be a mess. I cannot dwell on what could have been, it is obviously not in God's plan. I have to move on and in doing that i have discovered my new role in our lil' love bug's life. We are having visits with her once a week (and more often if i can). She is going to be a part of my life as long as God sees the need and who knows what the future holds for our relationship. I trust God's plan, whatever that turns out to be.
I trust that the decision that is made on the 20th will be the decision that is meant to be made. God knows where he wants the boys and brian and i have done everything we can to make sure that the judge and caseworkers know that our home is a good home, that we want these boys and that we are willing to make the sacrifices needed to take care of them. I can go to sleep at night knowing that we have done our part.
No one gets to choose what children they will have, it is all in God's hands and that is where i choose to leave my trust and that is who i choose to depend on to make the decision..........God.

Leave it to Mesa County

Leave it to mesa county! I have had two of the worst experiences in the last two days with mesa county, i can't even believe how unprofessional and disrespectful these people are! Let me tell you:
Yesterday they had the one year foster care review scheduled with the state, we received a letter inviting us to attend and if we could not make it, then they would call us in on a conference call. We let them know that we could not make it but that we would like to be conferenced in. They called us and then they tried to call the foster mom. Yes! the foster mom could not make it! and she lives in grand junction! They could not figure out how to get us both on the phone at the same time so they said they would get the information they needed from the foster mom and then they would call us and let us have our turn. So we waited.....and waited......and waited. Finally over an hour later brian's brother calls and says that they forgot about us, the caseworker had to go to court and she told brian's brother to let us know that she would call us today. (still no call) The state guy asked about us and she told him that we didn't need to be a part of the meeting, we were not primary to the case. So why the hell did we get an invite to the damn thing?!?!? I can't tell you how angry brian and i were last night. As far as they know, brian had to take time from work to be a part of this call. And you don't just leave people waiting for a call for over an hour. Once again, mesa county and the caseworker involved in our case have shown us just how rude, disrespectful and inconsiderate they can be to people. I am still angry about this and can't believe they are okay with treating people this way, this is not the last they have heard from us about this incident. We are letting much more important people than the caseworker know that this behavior and treatment of people is not acceptable. These people work for the county and ultimately they get state and federal money to run their program. They will be hearing from me and brian! Okay, enough about that.
So today we had the attachment observation with the youngest. It was a very stressful situation, handled very differently from the observation we had done here in boulder county (have i said how much i love and appreciate boulder county?!?!). The foster mom dropped the little guy off in the room. She is very abrupt, no comfort for him, in no way is she helpful in making the exchange easy or pleasant. The poor little guy cried off and on the whole time and really, honestly, i have no idea what they saw or observed as far as his attachment. The therapist reassured us that it wasn't so much to see how we react to or with him it was more to observe how he deals with attachment and a stressful situation involving attachment. I don't know, it's hard for me to trust these people, they have not proven to me they can be trusted (see above)! So, the whole thing was pretty stressful for him, brian was asked to leave the room about 15 minutes into it, to see how the little guy reacted to that, and then he came back in we tried to keep the little guy distracted and calm him down. Then i guess they decided to end the observation. No one told me they were going to end and all of a sudden the foster mom walks in, LITERALLY grabs the little guy out of my arms as i am holding him, makes a rude comment i fortunately didn't hear and walks out. I was left sitting on the floor in utter shock! I have never had an exchange with a child like that. I am still in shock and can't believe this lady is allowed to act this way and take care of foster children! I then find out from brian that the whole time we were in the room, the foster mom was standing outside the door! Is there no privacy, is there no respect! These boys are not her boys! She has no legal guardianship! She has no rights! How can she sit outside the door the whole time we are having our observation done and no one tells her to go wait in the lobby?!?! That poor little guy now thinks we are the awful people who made him sit in this tiny room, we are the bad guys. He takes his cues from her and she treats us like shit, so what is he to think of us? I am livid! and i sure hope the therapist understood how inappropriate the foster mom's actions were today.
This foster mom is the worst foster parent i have ever met, and i hope this is not an indication of the type of people that foster in mesa county. I hope that everyone sees her for what she truly is.....a selfish, angry, disrespectful and awful parent. If she treats us this way in front of the boys, caseworkers and therapists...what does she say about us in her home, in front of the boys. No wonder the little guy cries. This lady is going to have to deal with the repercussions of the way she treats people, sooner or later. If she gets the boys, she will have to answer their questions one day and i can guarantee they will come looking for their family and we will be here waiting with answers to their questions. And if we get the boys, i hope she realizes that the only reason she lost them was because of the way she has treated us from the very beginning. I hope she can sleep well at night, she is a miserable person and obviously does not have the best interest of the boys in mind. She would not be making this experience harder on them if she did. She would be trying to make this as easy for them as she could.
That is what brian told the therapist today, 'We will take the bumps in the road for these boys, so they don't have to take them.' Hear that mesa county foster mom, THAT'S how you be a parent!

decision made

What a crazy week! We left Wednesday after our re-certification meeting for grand junction and it was a quick and busy trip, we had 5 meetings and a huge decision to make. We met with both bio parents in the morning and heard their concerns and then met with the bio dad's lawyer and mentor, the children's therapist, the caseworkers and then the current foster parents. We wanted to see and hear what everyone felt was best for these 3 boys. I wanted to look them in the eyes and see if they were lying or telling the truth, i wanted to make sure that they could see my face and know that i wanted the truth. As i've said before, in my previous post, we just needed two questions answered, we received those answers and it was easy to make our decision. The foster parents made it very clear that they wanted nothing to do with the bio parents and communication with the bio parents was not an option. We were also told that there was some willingness by the foster family and social services to split the boys up. We are not okay with the bio parents and children not being able to have some sort of communication with each other and we are also not okay with the boys being split up. Once we were able to talk to everyone involved and ask those questions, it was easy for us to decide that we were going to try and adopt these boys. It is not going to be easy, it will be up to the court and we have come forward so late in the case that it really could go any way. We truly hope we can have these children placed with us and that we will be able to eventually adopt them. Our next court date isn't until july 23rd, we will know more then...........

big decision

Big decisions need to be made today.............we have so many questions and it will be nice to get some answers. My main concern is doing what is best for these children. It is hard, trying to sift through all the opinions, anger, biases and emotions behind all the answers we are getting to our questions. Emotions are running high and that is understandable, the state has filed the motion for termination so we have 20 days to come in and ask for the children to be placed with us. Is that what we want to do? AAAHHHHHHHHHHH, i don't know. We have been certified for 3 years now as foster parents and we have been willing to take in one child under the age of one, how will i handle 3 boys ages 4, 3, and soon to be 2! I have had a little girl in my life for over a year, and she was a girly girl!! 3 BOYS, how will THAT change my life? I keep going back and forth, i am hoping that once we can get into a room and meet these parents we can decide if their home is a good place or if we would rather have them in our home. I know that both biological parents want the boys in our home, they are concerned that if the boys stay in the foster home they are in now, there will be no contact. They know that if the boys come with us, we feel strongly that the contact with the biological parents is important to the emotional well-being of these boys, we understand the need to know who and where you come from. I am also struggling with the fact that if we do decide to take these boys in and eventually we adopt them, it will be harder to establish the boundaries between us and the biological parents because they are family. It is something that will have to be understood right away, and something that will probably be an ongoing struggle. So, here we are. We had one meeting this morning and we have 4 more scheduled for this afternoon, we are hoping that by the end of the day we will be able to make one of the biggest decisions that will affect these boys lives and possibly ours too..........

face to face

Brian and i are heading to grand junction this week to meet with the foster mom who has his 3 nephews, we hope we will get a better understanding of her intentions when we meet with her face to face. We are having a hard time deciding what to do, it is a big decision and we want to do what is best for these 3 boys. That's the hard part......doing what is best for the boys. We have a lot of questions and not a whole lot of answers right now, and the main caseworker has never returned our calls. I am angry at the caseworker and frustrated with mesa county social services, i am trying not to let these feelings cloud my judgement of what is best for the boys. They don't seem to be following procedures and are not treating me and brian with respect or consideration, it makes me question how they have handled the whole case. We have been told several times that our names have never been mentioned but recently the one person who is returning our calls told us that they did have our names but knew we had a placement at the time. They are supposed to contact all family members and try to place the children when they are taken away from their parents, they have never contacted us. Unfortunately this is a mistake on their part and now we can come in and ask for custody of these children. We really don't want to move these boys out of the home they are in if it is a good home and if the foster mom is willing to have contact with the biological family. We feel very strongly that there needs to be some sort of communication between the boys and their parents, even when we had our lil' love bug we felt that she would always need to have some sort of communication with her mom. Every case is different and there are many forms of communication; e-mail, phone calls, a p.o. box, visits, etc. My family is very important to me and knowing where i come from is a great source of pride...... i would never want to deny any child of that connection and that feeling of pride in knowing their heritage and roots. I guess that will be a big deciding factor in whether we decide to take these boys in. We also want to make sure that this foster mom really wants all three boys and is not just taking in the older two so she can keep the youngest one. I hope we will be able to get a better idea of every one's character and intentions when we meet them face to face.

the other side

We have recently had some experience with being on the other side of the foster care system. A family member had their kids taken away back in september. At the time we were not able to step forward because we had our lil' love bug in our home. This family member called us recently and was very upset because he felt they were going to file termination and the kids were going to go be adopted by the foster family that the youngest has been with since september. The two older kids were placed in the same foster home as the youngest in the last month or so because they want all 3 to be adopted into the same home. We decided to call and get some information on the kids and the home they are in. We wanted to make sure that the kids were in a good home and that there would be the ability for the parent to have some type of contact with the kids after adoption. Well, let me tell you, after almost 2 weeks of calling and no one returning phone calls we were getting frustrated and started to question what they were hiding and why they were trying to blow us off. The thing they didn't seem to realize is that we have been certified for close to 3 years now and we know how the system works. We started to call supervisors and finally started to get our calls returned. At this point we decided that we would be willing to take these kids in our home if no one was willing to give us answers and if there was going to be a closed adoption and no chance for these kids to know where they come from. We were of course hearing negative feedback from the parent about everyone else involved in the case and we weren't hearing anything from social services even when they started to return our calls they wouldn't give us any information. We asked our resource worker here in boulder county to call and she was finally able to get us some information. They were reluctant to have us get involved with the case because of the anger they had witnessed in the family member trying to get his kids back. We plan on setting up a meeting with us and the foster family, we want to be sure they are in a good home and maybe we can facilitate the communication between the kids and their parent. We are not concerned with visits or even phone calls but a p.o. box set up for written communication and pictures would be nice. It is something that brian and i have discussed as foster parents and we realize the importance of knowing your family and where you come from. We hope we can help to facilitate some sort of communication with the kids, that has been our only concern and if they are in a home where the little one has a strong bond with the family, we would not move them. It is interesting to be on the other side of the foster care system.

support is priceless

Here we are trying to get over our grief again. Trying to decide when we will be ready to accept another placement. It's scary to think we will have to go through the process all over again. We have only had one placement, so that is really all i can pull my knowledge from although i have been going to support group for almost two and a half years now, so i've met many people doing foster care and most are trying to adopt. The stories are surprisingly the same yet every case is different. It's the nature of foster care, you can never count on anything happening the way it did in someone else's case. There are no 'norms'. We have chosen to do foster care with the hope of adopting, that is really all it is, a hope. The children placed in our home have been taken away from their parents for whatever reason, and the goal is always for reunification. That means that we are there to help these children go back home and if that doesn't happen............ then we can adopt. It is a long process, they give parents every chance in the world and it can take up to a year (or as in our case almost a year and a half). A year of visits, therapy, court and in general a massive amount of emotional ups and downs. These children become a part of your family and touch the deepest parts of your heart. It is always devastating when they go home, whether they've been in your home a few months or over a year. I've seen the tears, heartache and sadness in many foster parents and yet i see them come back to support group month after month, willing to open their homes and hearts to more children. I love this group of friends that i have found in my support group. As so many of you probably know, it takes me a long time to warm up to people. It took time to open up and share my story with the group but just sitting there in a room with people who understand and have been through similar situations helps. It is heartwarming, comforting and makes the process of fostering not seem so lonely. I don't know exactly when we will accept children again but i do know that when that day comes, we will be ready. I draw my strength from all the foster families who continue on their journey even after having their hearts broken. I am thankful that they have the courage to keep going and are open enough to share their stories with us every month at support group. Adopting through the foster care system is not an easy thing to do, it takes patience and love, prayers and an unending supply of hope, you have to have an amazing marriage to be able to handle the added stress and it helps to have the support of family and friends. I have all this and i thank God everyday for the blessings he has sent my way. But most of all, i am thankful for the support brian and i have received from our support group, they make the journey easier.