a mixture

I have a good friend from support group who is about to adopt. I have such a mixture of feelings about this. I will tell you that first and foremost, I am extremely happy for them and for them to have their forever children is a blessing.........but then there is this part of me that is so sad and i just want this so bad for me and brian. I know that my friend who is adopting soon (you know who you are) will understand that i have these feelings, it has been a long road for her as well. Every time someone announces in group that their adoption is finally happening, i am always happy for them but seeing them get to adopt only reminds me of my loss and makes me miss our lil' love bug even more. It is just a reminder of how deeply i want a child and it brings those feelings of loss to the surface once again. It is the same feeling i have when i find out someone is pregnant. Ultimately i am happy for them, but i feel my loss even deeper. If you have never experienced infertility or had a child leave you to return to their birth family, you will never know how deep the pain is in my heart and soul. It is so easy to develop a friendship with the women i have met who are experiencing or who have experienced the same frustrations and loss. They truly know what is in my heart and soul and i have been so lucky to have them in my life. It has been a long 9 years of trying to start a family. Every year or two, i experience another loss and it is getting hard to keep the optimism and hope. It is so sad that a happy time for such a good friend should bring up all these emotions, but it does.
I will be at her party on saturday and i want her to know that i will be genuinely happy and excited for her and her family. I know what it has taken to get to this point, i have heard her stories and i have felt her pain and sadness leading up to this day. It is truly a wonderful celebration!
I just hope my prayers will be answered and we will have a day to celebrate soon.

a separate office?

Had my yearly exam today. Why can't there be a separate gynecologist office for those who cannot have children. It is so hard to sit there in the waiting room surrounded by pregnant women, four pregnant women to be exact. It just reminds me of everything i will never have, i will never know what it's like to have a baby of my own. I've never had a joyous trip to a gynecologist. I've been pregnant and i know the joy of being pregnant, if only for a week or so but i've never made it to the first gynecologist appointment. It's just another one of those uncomfortable situations i am going to keep finding myself in, being in the doctors office surrounded by pregnant women. It reminds me of what will never happen. It was also the first time i had been back to this doctor since i had my tubal pregnancy last year. It was a pretty emotional morning, then they have all these baby pictures all over the place and it just makes the whole process that much more uncomfortable. I remember having to sit in this office a year ago with the pregnant women and baby pictures all over, that was so hard. All i could do was sit there and cry, it was horrible. It was a little easier this time, hopefully it will continue to get easier as time continues to go by. Until then, it would be nice if we could have a separate waiting room without all the baby pictures and pregnant women there to remind me of what i will never have.

to listen is an effort

There are an incredible number of women dealing with infertility, that is something that i have learned in the last few years. When i first had problems getting pregnant i had no one to talk to and didn't know anyone who could share their experience with me. It is so frustrating to have well-meaning friends/family approach me with their 'infertility' problems. There wish to have a baby that took MONTHS to conceive. Are you kidding me? months? Talk to me when you've gone years! I know they mean well but really, when you are standing there making dinner for your children and talking to me about the frustration you felt..........i'm sorry but i don't feel it, and i really don't think you have the slightest idea what i am going through. I know that these comments are meant to make me feel better but really they don't. It only makes me feel worse; that you don't seem to have even the vaguest idea what i am going through or what i have experienced. If you did, you would not make those comparisons. I will never have a child of my own. I have experienced 4 unbelievable losses in my journey to have children. I am jumping through hoops to have the chance to adopt a child through a system that is not very reliable. I have been hurt many times in the past by people who are honestly trying to make me feel better. It's hard to say: you know, you just hurt my feelings, made me angry and now i feel even more inadequate. I am sincerely happy for my friends/family who have had the pleasure of starting their family. I think it is wonderful to see them so happy and enjoying the milestones and accomplishments of their children. I would not wish anyone the pain that brian and i have gone through, the frustration and feelings of loss. I just ask for a little sensitivity when talking about your ability to get pregnant, and please don't compare your situation to mine. We all have individual stories and experiences that make up our lives, we should all try to be sensitive to the hardships and struggles of each individual. We are all unique, it is what makes us special, makes us friends and makes life more interesting. I love my friends/family and sometimes it is hard for me to say out loud what i am feeling, it's nice to have a place to write it all down and get it out. I hope no one takes this the wrong way, i really do appreciate the effort.

our path is set in stone

We had our lil' love bug in our home and we were doing wonderfully. She was a joy and at this point we weren't concentrating on having a child of our own. So needless to say we were in shock to find out i was pregnant. It was about a year ago and the way we found out wasn't so wonderful. I had incredible stomach pain and my doctor couldn't figure out why, so i checked myself into the hospital so i could get a cat scan faster. Luckily, i went in when i did and didn't wait for a week or longer for a cat scan to be scheduled. The doctors couldn't figure out what was going on and then they said i was pregnant. I was happy for about a second and then i realized that something had to be wrong because here i was with this incredible pain. Well, once again i had a tubal pregnancy. I was taken into surgery and they were surprised that my tube hadn't burst yet, it was stretched and torn. I lost my other tube. Then and there in that surgery room i lost the ability to ever have children of my own. Once again i was devastated but at this point we had our sweet pea in our home and it didn't seem so disastrous. Although, i have overwhelming feelings of loss sometimes. I will never know what it feels like to have a child that comes from me and my husband. We will always wonder what our child would look like, what characteristics would our child get from our genes. The joy of carrying a baby and being there for all there first milestones. I will never have the joy of giving my baby a name, a name that i have searched for through baby name books, a name that means something to me and my husband. I will never have a baby shower, i won't be going to target to register for baby items. It makes me sad sometimes but i try not to dwell on it, it is nice not to have those feelings of disappointment every month. I know my path now. God has shown me the way once again and i will go with much love, patience, joy and hope for my future. We will have a baby one day, i now know our baby will come from the boulder county foster system. My path is now set in stone.............

my second pregnancy

There we were trying again, we had experienced an incredible loss but at least we knew i could get pregnant. That was a good feeling, knowing that there was the possibility. We continued to try and all those feelings of inadequacy and wanting came flooding back. The disappointment surrounded me every month when i knew i wasn't pregnant............again! Such an evil feeling of jealousy would overcome my thoughts every time someone around me was pregnant. This of course went on for 2 more years and then we discovered we were pregnant, the excitement of being pregnant is wonderful! It all seemed to be going fine but then i got a call that my blood level was extremely low (normal being 14, i was a 4!) i was admitted to the hospital immediately and they started doing tests to see where i was losing blood. That's when they discovered it was a tubal (ectopic) pregnancy. Again we were crushed! How could this be happening, how could i be losing another baby. They had to give me blood before they could even get me in for surgery, i was so low. Here we were, this time i not only lost our baby but a fallopian tube. This was harder to deal with then the miscarriage, it was a double loss. Who knew i was so attached to a tube? Well, it really wasn't the tube, it was the idea that it was only going to be that much harder to get pregnant again. We had a really hard time with this loss, i felt like i was letting down my husband and i couldn't understand why my body couldn't keep a baby. Brian of course was wonderful and kept reassuring me we would be fine.........it was just so overwhelming. As awful as the surgery was i feel like it helped to have that physical pain, it made the loss more tangible and i felt like i could grieve and start recovery as my body started to recover from the surgery. We recovered but this time i wasn't so focused on getting pregnant again. I felt like i had such a slim chance of getting pregnant again, i gave up trying. I know this sounds like i gave up hope........NEVER! I still had it in the back of my mind that it was possible that i could still get pregnant. It took us some time to get over this loss and of course this loss brought back the loss of our first baby. It was a hard time but we moved on and eventually we started to explore other options...................it's the journey i am on currently.

This new thing I call my blog!

Well here I am 8 years after getting married and still no baby. Isn't it crazy how you get married and you just assume the babies are next. It's been a very long and bumpy road........how is it I am where I am now? I guess that's where I will begin my story. How have I ended up childless after 8 years of trying, not only trying to get pregnant but trying to adopt through the foster care system. I don't want this to be a 'oh, poor me' kinda blog, I have definetly done enough of that sitting here by myself and in my head. I don't want to project that I am that kind of person. I am hopeful; yes, hopeful! even after 8 years of some pretty heartbreaking experiences. I know that children are in my future and I know that I was meant to be a mother. I also know that I will be an amazing mother, it will happen for me and my husband. I want other people to know that they are not alone. I am absolutely flabbergasted at the number of women I have met who have experienced or are going through infertility problems. It was probably 4 years into infertility before I met other women who were going through the same thing, and even then it's not really talked about. I felt alone for so long and recently I've realized how incredibly common it is! Who knew? I sure wish I had!

So please read my blog and know that this is all written from my heart with the only motive being to inform, share and encourage all who read and are interested.