Finally...........a decision :)

Wow! I finally have a chance to get some of what happened yesterday out and onto my blog! (now it's two days ago!) So, we went to court and everyone sounded like they were sure the boys were going to come home with us. I knew we had a pretty good chance but was surprised to hear everyone talk like it was a done deal! The foster dad talked to brian and it was very sad and upsetting. (of course foster mom did not show up) He was real upset but it was nice that he was able to give us some pointers on what the boys liked to do with him (fishing, hang out in the garage, etc.) He has always been very nice to us and it was heart wrenching to know that they were ready to watch the boys leave their home. It really is too bad that the foster mom wasn't more like the foster dad, the boys could still be in their home! I have to remind myself this, because it was hard to know that because of us, these boys were being taken from a foster family who were going to be very upset and sad to see them go. It's all about choices and unfortunately the foster mom has not made good choices. Thank goodness we stepped forward, the foster family home was not a stable and safe home for the boys.
Court was awful to listen to, the foster mom was worse than i thought. She sounds mentally unstable and is dealing with a lot of grief and loss (may have lost a child in December). I sure hope they can get her some counseling, although it sounds like she has refused any kind of help so far. She is not a very loving and demonstrative caregiver. She is stand-offish with the boys and doesn't give much in the way of hugs and kisses. She is rigid and has set rules and the boys need to follow them, no matter what issues they may have because of the severe amount of neglect they have experienced in their short lives. The therapist was shocked and genuinely upset by her inappropriate behavior. They had attachment observations with her and the oldest and youngest child and she was horrendous! The therapist says that people are usually on their best behavior because they know they are being watched and she was surprised to see her emotionally unavailable and to hear her comments.During the observation with the oldest, she was play wrestling/tickling him and it was the one time the therapist saw her physically engage and show emotion with him. He went to do the same thing to her (tickle) and she grabbed his hand and said 'no touching'. They continued to interact during the observation and she joked with him 'you are mean, i'm going to trade you in for another child'. I couldn't believe it! I think i actually gasped and then i couldn't stop from crying. It was the last straw. The therapist said that the youngest does not have a healthy attachment to the foster mom like she thought he had initially. She has not been able to foster an emotionally healthy relationship with any of the boys. It is really very sad and i am thankful that we were able to step in and provide a home for these boys.
It is because of the foster mom's recent and past behavior that we could not do a transition. She could not handle it emotionally and it would have been worse for the boys. It is really very sad that she could not think of the boys well being and do what was best for them. Everyone who testified and had a chance to speak all said that a transition of some sort is best but that in this situation it was not going to be possible. Court was over at 12 and the foster mom brought the boys to the county building at 2, she didn't even bring them into the building. She was so angry, she refused to have contact with any of the caseworkers or therapists. It would have been nice if she could have made this easier for the boys and reassured them that they were going to be safe in our home and showed them that she was happy for them. (even if she wasn't) It wasn't about her, it's about the boys and i can't believe that there are foster parents out there who cannot put the children's needs ahead of everything else. I would have liked to know their schedule, their likes and dislikes, what they like to play with, how they sleep, favorite foods..............it would have been nice to have any kind of information. It really is too bad.
The bio parents and the boys maternal grandparents all came to the county building to say goodbye to the boys and that was a little crazy. It was definitely overwhelming. They were right up in the boys faces; hugging and kissing them and the little one could not really handle it. He was pretty upset anyway but then with all the commotion we could not get him to calm down and stop crying. Everyone was trying to take pictures, we needed to sign paperwork. It was a lot for everyone to take in, especially in such a short period of time. It is good that the parents got to say goodbye though. They were still having weekly visits with the boys and now the visits are suspended for at least 3 months. They can call and send letters/packages but they will not be allowed to visit with the children.
I really want to get this posted, so i am going to end this now. I hope i will have time to post again soon.

this last weekend

We visited with the boys this last weekend. We went up with the intention of having a visit on both saturday and sunday but had been told that they may consider doing a saturday visit only. We were all so tired during the sunday visit last week. It is hard to spend four hours in a park or even the mall. The boys have recently started therapy, they still have visits with the bio parents, people are in and out of the home and they are doing the visits with us. It is a lot! So, we were not surprised when they asked if we wanted to just do a saturday visit. To be quite honest, we were relieved! It is hard to make those trips up there and still have the energy to keep the boys busy for four hours two days in a row.........in a park. grand junction is HOT!
We were surprised they allowed all three boys to do a four hour visit. Sounds like the foster parents were surprised by that also. We did not see the foster mom this time. She came for both the drop off and pick up but did not get out of the car. I am really frustrated with this lady! She is so rude, uncooperative and cannot seem to put the boys needs before her own. It really surprises me to see a foster parent act this way. It makes me question if she understands her role as a foster parent. I sure hope she can get over herself and help these boys to deal with the emotions and questions they have about the visits.
We took the boys to the pool and they played in the splash park area. The youngest does not seem to like the water much. He cried for about the first 20 minutes, he was not interested in anything we were doing. The other two love the water and had a great time playing and eventually we were able to calm down the youngest and get him to put his hands and feet in the water. He was having a good time but then the water came up and sprayed him right in the face! He was done after that. We stayed at the pool for about and hour and half. We then took the boys out for dinner at texas roadhouse. It went really well. They have great manners and all three have wonderful appetites. The youngest of course wanted to touch everything. We went back to the park and took a walk till the foster family came to pick them up.
The caseworker told us that the foster family was thinking of getting a lawyer. We will see what will happen if they decide to get one. From what we were told, i don't think it will make a difference in the decision the judge makes, it will just drag the process out. Which will really suck! I am expecting a decision to be made on september 3rd, i will be very disappointed if we have to wait another month or so.
We don't have a visit this coming weekend, brian has to do his cpr on saturday. We won't see the boys again till the weekend of the 28th.

meeting the boys

We had a couple of visits with the boys this last week. Being able to meet the boys and see their interaction with the foster family and with each other made me believe even more that we have made the right decision in trying to get the boys into our home. The first meeting on thursday was actually really overwhelming and hard to have much interaction with the boys. The foster mom, foster dad and foster grandma were there as well as 4 caseworkers, needless to say i was overwhelmed, i can't imagine how the boys felt. The second visit went much better and i am happy we were given the opportunity to have the 2nd visit. The interaction between the boys and the foster mom and grandma was insightful, they are both overbearing and quite negative in their dealings with the children. The middle child is very timid and was scared to go on much of the playground equipment. He kept trying to go on different equipment and they kept telling him 'no, you can't do that', it was really very heartbreaking to see him go to try something and then to be told he couldn't do it without even letting him try. I could see him lose confidence every time they told him he couldn't do it. It makes me very sad for him, they did this to all 3 boys but mostly to the middle child. They were both very negative and not much encouragement and positive words were used when the boys were trying to play. The grandma was overbearing and possessive with the youngest boy, she wouldn't let him walk without her holding his hand and she didn't let him come to close to me or brian during that first visit. The boys have a very strong bond with each other. They played nicely together and wanted to play with each other. If one boy did something, the other two were right there trying to do the same thing. They encouraged each other and i could see they had a strong bond. They are all 3 so cute and we enjoyed the time we were able to spend with them. I am hoping we will hear good news when we go to the court hearings on friday.

decision made

What a crazy week! We left Wednesday after our re-certification meeting for grand junction and it was a quick and busy trip, we had 5 meetings and a huge decision to make. We met with both bio parents in the morning and heard their concerns and then met with the bio dad's lawyer and mentor, the children's therapist, the caseworkers and then the current foster parents. We wanted to see and hear what everyone felt was best for these 3 boys. I wanted to look them in the eyes and see if they were lying or telling the truth, i wanted to make sure that they could see my face and know that i wanted the truth. As i've said before, in my previous post, we just needed two questions answered, we received those answers and it was easy to make our decision. The foster parents made it very clear that they wanted nothing to do with the bio parents and communication with the bio parents was not an option. We were also told that there was some willingness by the foster family and social services to split the boys up. We are not okay with the bio parents and children not being able to have some sort of communication with each other and we are also not okay with the boys being split up. Once we were able to talk to everyone involved and ask those questions, it was easy for us to decide that we were going to try and adopt these boys. It is not going to be easy, it will be up to the court and we have come forward so late in the case that it really could go any way. We truly hope we can have these children placed with us and that we will be able to eventually adopt them. Our next court date isn't until july 23rd, we will know more then...........

big decision

Big decisions need to be made today.............we have so many questions and it will be nice to get some answers. My main concern is doing what is best for these children. It is hard, trying to sift through all the opinions, anger, biases and emotions behind all the answers we are getting to our questions. Emotions are running high and that is understandable, the state has filed the motion for termination so we have 20 days to come in and ask for the children to be placed with us. Is that what we want to do? AAAHHHHHHHHHHH, i don't know. We have been certified for 3 years now as foster parents and we have been willing to take in one child under the age of one, how will i handle 3 boys ages 4, 3, and soon to be 2! I have had a little girl in my life for over a year, and she was a girly girl!! 3 BOYS, how will THAT change my life? I keep going back and forth, i am hoping that once we can get into a room and meet these parents we can decide if their home is a good place or if we would rather have them in our home. I know that both biological parents want the boys in our home, they are concerned that if the boys stay in the foster home they are in now, there will be no contact. They know that if the boys come with us, we feel strongly that the contact with the biological parents is important to the emotional well-being of these boys, we understand the need to know who and where you come from. I am also struggling with the fact that if we do decide to take these boys in and eventually we adopt them, it will be harder to establish the boundaries between us and the biological parents because they are family. It is something that will have to be understood right away, and something that will probably be an ongoing struggle. So, here we are. We had one meeting this morning and we have 4 more scheduled for this afternoon, we are hoping that by the end of the day we will be able to make one of the biggest decisions that will affect these boys lives and possibly ours too..........