gloomy

It started last night, i'm really missing our lil' love bug. Maybe it's the weather getting to me, i love her so much and i am just trying to deal with the fact that she is not coming home to us. I am going to start working on a scrapbook of her, i sent the last one with her and i am hoping that making a new one for me and brian will help me work through some of the grief. I miss going shopping with her, she loved to shop and she would look at clothes with me 'oh, that is soooo cuuute!' she repeated everything i said. I want to go to the flatirons mall but can't get myself to go, it was our favorite place to shop. I want to take her to the zoo, we went so often with her and we all had so much fun. I want to bake some pinkalicious cupcakes with her. I miss her so much and feel as gloomy as the weather is............

my grandma

Yesterday was the 4th anniversary of the day my grandma died. She was wonderful and she is still greatly missed. I can't believe it's been four years, it feels like she was here just yesterday, i can still see her sitting in her chair crocheting. She had an incredible strength that i hope i have inherited. She died of cancer and if you know anyone who has died of cancer you know how horrible that disease is. She trusted in God with no question and i could see her use her faith to make it through those final days. I was there in her room with my aunts, uncles and cousins the night she died. It was incredible and something i will forever hold dear to my heart as one of the greatest experiences of my life. My grandma had instilled in all of us a great faith in God and in that moment of her death i saw God present in her room. We were crying, they were tears of sadness at our loss but also tears of thankfulness that she was going on to a better place. I know she is in heaven and i miss her every day. love you Grandma Jennie!

grieving without guilt

I know that baby showers and kid's birthday parties are emotionally hard to attend, i now realize that family get-togethers and fun family events, aren't so fun either. I had the weld county relay for life and a graduation party this weekend, i was asked about our lil' love bug about 5 times, i understand the curiosity. Some people didn't even know she had returned to her mother. It is so hard for me to answer those questions and i have a feeling i will be answering them for awhile. It makes going to family events not so appealing. Our lil' love bug was a part of our extended family and everyone was there for us so i feel like i owe them the answers to the questions. This makes me question whether we want to be involved with extended family the next time we have a placement. I totally understand the questions and curiosity, it is natural, especially when they have been a part of our lives. I just don't think i want to have to answer the questions next time. I feel like the only way to avoid this is to stay to ourselves, and i have found us doing that already. I go back and forth in wanting to be involved with all those special family events and it's something i am going to have to think on more. I hope that eventually i will be able to attend again without having the feelings right at the surface. It's just too soon right now. This first year is going to be hard, everything we do is just a reminder that we are doing all these things without our lil' love bug this time. I just hope people realize that we are in mourning, we are grieving. Right now we don't know if we will be able to see her ever again. We don't get to make those choices, her mom does and i have no idea if she wants us involved. It's heartbreaking and many people don't understand the pain. I had some pretty insensitive comments this weekend. Why do people feel it is necessary to downplay the joy of parenting and list all the reasons they wish they didn't have to deal with their children. PLEASE! I can't stand these insensitive comments, complaining about your children doesn't make me not want children of my own. It only makes me question your parenting skills. Talking up being childless doesn't help either! I know the advantages of not having children, i am 38 years old, i am not a teenager trying to get pregnant. It just goes to show that we will be facing these kind of questions for awhile. I want to be able to grieve and i want to be able to have my good days and my bad days. I don't want to feel guilty that i want to stay home or that i leave early. Please invite us to your special events, but please don't feel slighted if we decide not to attend or if we leave early. I never know if it is going to be a good day or a bad day, i never know what will trigger the grief. I may be having a great time and something as simple as a toy or certain food will trigger the emotions. I hope people understand and i hope i will start having fewer bad days and a whole lot of good days soon until then please know that i understand most comments are meant to comfort i hope you will still invite us to your special events, eventually we will start attending more often.

waiting again

Our little girl went home in february and it was overwhelmingly sad. I have missed her every single day since, she filled our life and there seems to be a hole in our lives now that she is gone. We finally got to see her last month, it was great! She's grown so much and she just fit right back in with us. She wanted to come home and it was so hard to tell her she couldn't. I wanted her to come home right then and there. She just kept looking at me like she was expecting me to make everything the way it was before. It made me so sad but i was happy to see that she was okay and she seemed happy. Surprisingly, after this visit we were told that her mom might be considering letting our lil' love bug come back to us. She feels that we might be a better fit for her. It was an answer to our prayers. There were so many feelings surroundings these new events and i wasn't sure what to think, i still don't. I want our little girl to come back home to us but i also have this sadness that her mom has to give her up in order for this to happen. I can't imagine how hard that kind of decision would be and i keep praying that God will give her the strength and insight to make the best decision for our little girl. Only God knows what is the best thing for everyone involved and i am not going to pretend i know what that decision should be. I know what i want to happen, i want her back with us, i want to be able to make the decisions for her, put her to bed at night, buy her clothes and do her hair everday. I miss her so much and i pray that whatever the decision is that we hear this next week or two, i will be able to see God's glory and love in that decision.