'The way I see it, if you have four kids, you don't really have to do anything else, ever. Three kids is a handful, but one that many people manage to hold. If you're a mother of four, you definitely don't have to have a career or volunteer for the school fund-raiser or even bring an appetizer to the dinner party. In fact, people give you a lot of credit for wearing both earrings and knowing how to spell chaos and antidepressant. Four kids gives you a pass for every forgotten birthday, overlooked appointment, and missing form. Plus, you can be late for everything the rest of your life and never return phone calls. Who's gonna blame you? It's like having nonthreatening cancer, forever.'
excerpt from 'The Middle Place' by Kelly Corrigan
This is how i feel this week. I have 2 to 3 appointments every day this week. I am so incredibly busy and every time i show up at an appointment i am missing a form, a kid is throwing a fit or i am rushing in the door just in the nick of time. Everyone just smiles and gives me a look like they are surprised that i am speaking in complete sentences and impressed with my ability to dress myself! I am a perfectionist and i hate being late and i hate missing forms. It drives me crazy but i could definitely get used to using the 'i have 4 kids excuse'. I am learning to manage my time and i hope i will learn how to organize all the forms but until then, i will happily accept the busy mom excuse!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
same old post, different day
No answers, no end in sight. Caseworker says there is nothing they can do right now. We are considered kinship and their only concern is that the child is okay.
She is with us, she is okay.
Caseworker is communicating with her supervisor and the county attorney and they say there is nothing they can do. According to them:
All's good.
No one cares that she is not getting the therapy she needs. No one cares if this is only temporary. No one cares that this could end any second. No one else is at home waiting for the phone to ring or the knock on the door. No one is as scared as i am that mom will say i'm here to get lovebug, see ya! No one else knows how i am on edge every second of the day just waiting for those words, knowing there is nothing i can do. No one knows how hard it will be for me to watch our lovebug leave our house once again. No one sees our lovebug's scared face and apprehension every time i ask her if she wants to talk to dada(mom's ex boyfriend) or mom. No one else hears her ask "i'm staying here, right?" No one else sees her relief knowing she is staying. Maybe they know, but they don't care. Maybe they know, but they can't do anything. Maybe they do know. Maybe. I feel like no one knows how i feel. I feel like there is no one else in the world who knows what i am going through.
I feel like people are tired of hearing about it, as much as i am tired of living it.
Every week i keep thinking something has to happen, a decision has to be made and every friday i get a call from the caseworker saying that they haven't heard from mom, there's nothing we can do. There is nothing they can do. Soooo.......we wait.
She is with us, she is okay.
Caseworker is communicating with her supervisor and the county attorney and they say there is nothing they can do. According to them:
All's good.
No one cares that she is not getting the therapy she needs. No one cares if this is only temporary. No one cares that this could end any second. No one else is at home waiting for the phone to ring or the knock on the door. No one is as scared as i am that mom will say i'm here to get lovebug, see ya! No one else knows how i am on edge every second of the day just waiting for those words, knowing there is nothing i can do. No one knows how hard it will be for me to watch our lovebug leave our house once again. No one sees our lovebug's scared face and apprehension every time i ask her if she wants to talk to dada(mom's ex boyfriend) or mom. No one else hears her ask "i'm staying here, right?" No one else sees her relief knowing she is staying. Maybe they know, but they don't care. Maybe they know, but they can't do anything. Maybe they do know. Maybe. I feel like no one knows how i feel. I feel like there is no one else in the world who knows what i am going through.
I feel like people are tired of hearing about it, as much as i am tired of living it.
Every week i keep thinking something has to happen, a decision has to be made and every friday i get a call from the caseworker saying that they haven't heard from mom, there's nothing we can do. There is nothing they can do. Soooo.......we wait.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
it's not a cage, it's the rules! honestly!
According to the human services certification foster care rules we have to have a baby gate on the stairs as long as there is a child under 3. Seriously? So banana doesn't turn 3 till the end of july. Ugh! So last time the caseworker was here she said we needed to have the baby gates on the stairs - at least on the days she comes to visit(humor me, she said).
Needless to say we had the baby gates up yesterday when the caseworker came by. My poor kids look like they are jailed in at the top of the stairs. I have a 5 year old behind a baby gate, for goodness sakes! They look so silly up there and i feel like those horrible people you hear about on oprah who cage up their kids!
Now i have a confession, i must tell you, oh believe me when i say there are days I want to use that gate all day! There are days when i am tired of answering questions, tired of coloring, tired of cleaning up playdough, tired of wiping noses, etc., etc.
There are days i want to put up that baby gate and tell the kids and brian: "It's the rules! Human services, certification, foster care rules! and the gate is staying up!"
Needless to say we had the baby gates up yesterday when the caseworker came by. My poor kids look like they are jailed in at the top of the stairs. I have a 5 year old behind a baby gate, for goodness sakes! They look so silly up there and i feel like those horrible people you hear about on oprah who cage up their kids!
Now i have a confession, i must tell you, oh believe me when i say there are days I want to use that gate all day! There are days when i am tired of answering questions, tired of coloring, tired of cleaning up playdough, tired of wiping noses, etc., etc.
There are days i want to put up that baby gate and tell the kids and brian: "It's the rules! Human services, certification, foster care rules! and the gate is staying up!"
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
eat, pray, love
No news
Hoping
Tired
Praying
Needing answers
Patience
Frustrated
Begging
Anger
Exhausted
Sad
Please
Okay, so these are the thoughts that run through my head over and over........all day. Oh yeah, i also hear myself: I'm a mommy on the edge!(said in donkeys voice from shrek) Somehow this cracks me up every time i hear it in my head. It makes me laugh and stops the aforementioned thoughts for a minute or so. (yes, i do talk to myself quite often throughout my day)
I just wish we could have some direction. It is my need to have control of every situation. I am trying to release that control. I am trying to find that place of acceptance and peace. The place in my mind and soul where i can be patient and let what will happen...happen. It is hard for me, i don't like the unknown. I appreciate plans, order, i like to know what to expect. I am trying to keep busy, keep my mind off of it. I know this is not the healthy way to deal with it. I can't stay busy all the time and i am wearing myself out trying. I do have quiet time. During those moments of silence (naptime), i am exploring some meditation exercises. It will take awhile for me to get to the place where i can sit for any period of time and actually meditate. I feel like julia roberts in the movie eat, pray, love when she is in the meditation room trying to clear her mind of thoughts and she looks up at the clock and a minute has gone by! That's me!
So anyway, we have no new news. We are still waiting for answers and we are still waiting for the phone to ring. Until then......
i will continue to work on just being and letting it be.
Hoping
Tired
Praying
Needing answers
Patience
Frustrated
Begging
Anger
Exhausted
Sad
Please
Okay, so these are the thoughts that run through my head over and over........all day. Oh yeah, i also hear myself: I'm a mommy on the edge!(said in donkeys voice from shrek) Somehow this cracks me up every time i hear it in my head. It makes me laugh and stops the aforementioned thoughts for a minute or so. (yes, i do talk to myself quite often throughout my day)
I just wish we could have some direction. It is my need to have control of every situation. I am trying to release that control. I am trying to find that place of acceptance and peace. The place in my mind and soul where i can be patient and let what will happen...happen. It is hard for me, i don't like the unknown. I appreciate plans, order, i like to know what to expect. I am trying to keep busy, keep my mind off of it. I know this is not the healthy way to deal with it. I can't stay busy all the time and i am wearing myself out trying. I do have quiet time. During those moments of silence (naptime), i am exploring some meditation exercises. It will take awhile for me to get to the place where i can sit for any period of time and actually meditate. I feel like julia roberts in the movie eat, pray, love when she is in the meditation room trying to clear her mind of thoughts and she looks up at the clock and a minute has gone by! That's me!
So anyway, we have no new news. We are still waiting for answers and we are still waiting for the phone to ring. Until then......
i will continue to work on just being and letting it be.
Monday, April 18, 2011
my phone isn't ringing
I am so incredibly frustrated. I keep waiting for a phone call that never comes. Still nothing today and the deadline was friday. How long are they going to give lovebug's mom to make a decision?
I spend all day waiting for a phone call and then i have to call and leave a message with the caseworker. She calls me back close to 6 and seems too busy to talk. I understand she has a full caseload but this is the most important case to me.
It is horrible waiting for a call and a decision. Friday i was told that they were giving mom till today and the caseworker said she would call me. Now the caseworker said she will call me tomorrow. I am a mess waiting for my phone to ring. It is the call that will let lovebug stay with us or it will be the call that will send her back home to her mom.
I am on edge. I feel physically sick - my stomach hurts, my head hurts and i can't sit still. My mind is racing with the possibilities and prayers constantly ALL DAY!
Every time my phone rings my stomach drops to the floor and my blood runs cold. I am so scared......but i need to know.
I spend all day waiting for a phone call and then i have to call and leave a message with the caseworker. She calls me back close to 6 and seems too busy to talk. I understand she has a full caseload but this is the most important case to me.
It is horrible waiting for a call and a decision. Friday i was told that they were giving mom till today and the caseworker said she would call me. Now the caseworker said she will call me tomorrow. I am a mess waiting for my phone to ring. It is the call that will let lovebug stay with us or it will be the call that will send her back home to her mom.
I am on edge. I feel physically sick - my stomach hurts, my head hurts and i can't sit still. My mind is racing with the possibilities and prayers constantly ALL DAY!
Every time my phone rings my stomach drops to the floor and my blood runs cold. I am so scared......but i need to know.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Harper, a dog like no other
My brother juan was going to put his dog down today but they have decided to try meds for awhile instead. I am thankful and hope that the meds will work for harper. They live in north carolina and i have not seen harper since they moved there about 6 years ago(although i have skyped with him!)
I remember when my brother got harper, he was such a cute puppy and he grew into an amazing, happy and loving dog. He lived with my mom for a few months and we got to know him and love him. My brother was kind enough to share him with all of us and he really became an important part of all of our lives. He is a beautiful chocolate lab. We all spoiled him and when they moved away i remember missing harper terribly. I could talk to my brother and jenn, i could talk to the kids. They came out to visit us, but i don't get to see harper.
I remember the first christmas my brother was determined to buy harper this giant tennis ball, i think the thing cost 50 bucks. The ball rolled out of the box and hit harper in the nose and scared the crap out of him! He refused to play with it.
My brother and his wife met because of harper. Her family grew up with labs and she approached juan to say hi to harper and that was that.
Harper is an amazing dog, friend and an important part of our family. I am hopeful that the meds will work for him and he will be around for a few more years.
Good luck old dog, we love you!
i can breath again
SHE'S HOME!!! YEAH!
We will see what we hear today. I'm assuming nothing because she has till the end of the week to contact us, so we will probably hear something next week. (hopefully)
We will see what we hear today. I'm assuming nothing because she has till the end of the week to contact us, so we will probably hear something next week. (hopefully)
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