Psalm 101:5

Have you ever been at a function and noticed people looking and talking about you, or worse yet, talking about your children. Ugh! That is one of the situations i get to deal with on a regular basis. It is annoying. It is frustrating. It makes me angry. It is one of those situations that i am not sure how to handle; what to do or what to say to the person. If you have suggestions, please let me know. I don't know what to say at that moment, should i say anything in that moment? I did not want to bring attention to the situation because my children had no idea what was going on and i didn't want them to know. I am at a loss....
Anyway, i noticed a couple looking in our direction, whispering and talking and then i noticed they weren't really looking at me but more in my kids direction. I made eye contact with the person, didn't even blink an eye, just kept on whispering. Now, i couldn't hear what was being said, so i couldn't say that they were positively, most definitely talking about my kids but i would be shocked if they were not.  I find it very disrespectful and incredibly rude. I understand that i have put a lot out there, especially with this blog but i don't do this blog to give people fuel for gossip. I do this blog to give people insight. I want people to understand the heartbreak of infertility, the struggle and incredible sacrifice it takes to foster and the obstacles we have to overcome when adopting and dealing with bio-families. I don't want you to use my honesty and openness as fuel for your cruel and ignorant gossip. If you have questions, ask me. If you have concerns, talk to me. If you want to talk about my kids, come to ME!
Having said that, i really don't think this person who was talking about my children has ever seen or read my blog. It was more of a situation where they had heard things from someone else and felt it their responsibility to fill in other strangers about my children's unfortunate beginnings. It is disgusting. My children have been exploited enough. My children have been hurt enough. My children have been knocked down enough. You do not get to continue this cycle of abuse to my children! I will not continue to associate with people who do not respect my children. They have gone through more than any child should ever have to endure in their short lives and they are thriving in spite of it! I will not let ignorant people who have no heart for their struggles bring them down.
My children are doing amazing. They are lovable, caring, beautiful and smart kids. They make me laugh, warm my heart and bring me and my husband incredible joy. My children are thriving in school, learning by leaps and bounds. They have shocked their teachers by exceeding expectations. My children love to dance, listen to music and enjoy coloring. They love playing outside in the snow; building snowmen and making snow angels. My children laugh loud, play hard and run fast! They love to give hugs and have THE best smiles. They enjoy books, know their letters and letter sounds and are starting to read. My children can sing, love to build tall castles and enjoy being pirates and princesses. They snuggle with their stuffed animals at night, need night lights and look like angels when they sleep. My children are kind, heroic and brave.  If you want to talk about them, talk about THAT!!

Whoever slanders their neighbor in secret, I will put to silence;
whoever has haughty eyes and a proud heart, I will not tolerate.

Kaden

It was kaden's birthday last week. He is 6 years old. Yes! SIX! He is getting so big and he is so incredibly smart. It is incredible to see how much he has grown in a year. We celebrated at home, with our family. We try to make the day special but we are not planning big parties every year.
He chose cupcakes instead of cake, he says it takes too long to cut the cake! lol, that kid cracks me up. He sure does love his food. Brian made him breakfast waffles, this has become a tradition in our house. Kaden got to choose his meal and he decided he wanted pizza. It was a nice birthday, stretched over 2 days. He loved every second of it, all the attention and celebration focused on him. 
We had conferences for all the kids last week and i was just so incredibly pleased to hear how well kaden is doing and how far he has come. At the beginning of the year, the teacher wasn't sure he would catch up in time to move on to the first grade but it looks like he is right on track now. I have to tell you that brian and i work with kaden and we spend time on homework and we practice letter sounds and reading and all that stuff but kaden has done a lot of this through plain ol' determination. He has a never quit attitude and he will try and try and try. I am just so proud of him. He surprises me every week we sit down to do his homework, he has learned something new every single time. I just can't say enough how proud i am of that kid!
He had a project due last week and he did such an amazing job. He had to explain his shelter by answering questions about what his shelter was used for, made out of, who would live in it; etc. He had to build a shelter that depicted what he had explained. This was a student driven project with minimal help from the parents. He did it, and he did it all by himself. I was so proud of him and i could see his pride in his work. They had a shelter 'museum' and we were able to go to his classroom where they displayed their shelters and we could ask questions and the kids explained their projects. (you could tell who had 'minimal' parent help and who didn't!)
What a big week for kaden! Happy Birthday big guy :)

post adoption

Okay, so it's been awhile. I just haven't been motivated to write anything. NOT that we haven't had a lot going on. We adopted the boys in december! Yeah! It seemed like it would never happen and then all of a sudden...they are ours! We had the holidays and the adoption and winter break and school starting for the kids again and school starting for brian and i just couldn't get motivated to write.
I don't even know where to begin....
The adoption went wonderfully. I am so thankful for the friends and family who were able to join us. I am truly thankful that everyone made the day so special for not only the boys but also for including isabelle in the celebration as well. She talks about the adoption like it happened to all of them and i can only pray and hope that it will happen for her one day too.
The boys have had different reactions but overall i think they are feeling much more secure and understand on some level how we are a forever family now.
Kaden (yes, i can use their names now!!!) is enjoying the fact that no matter how pouty and cross he gets, WE are not going to leave him! He is testing us daily and to his delight we are in this for the long haul. I find he is much less eager to please and is letting his opinion known. I must admit that i love this new found rebellion and it just assures me he is feeling the love! I was worried about his need to make everyone happy, his need to not 'rock the boat' and his lack of personal opinions. He has certainly revealed more of himself to us lately and i am looking forward to learning more about what he REALLY thinks and likes. He is a determined, loving and strong little guy and i love him and the way he strives to be his best!
Mason is reflective and missing those he has seen as a loss in his life. He talks often about his birth family and expresses sadness that he cannot see them. I have to say that kaden has also had these reactions lately but mason seems to be dwelling in this place of loss more so than the other two. He is quick to cry. He is possessive with his things. His feelings get hurt much easier than before. I am not sure what to do with this. I acknowledge his feelings. I assure him he is safe. I assure him he is not leaving our home. I reassure him that he is loved. We are going to continue with therapy and i hope he will be able to express his feelings much easier in the near future. His speech has progressed dramatically in the last month and I love hearing him talk and attempt to use so many more words. He is a sensitive boy, who seems to have had the longest period of neglect. I love his ability to persevere and his smile when he learns a new word makes my heart burst with joy for him!
Noah is LOVING this new feeling of security and stability. He has become possessive of me and wants everyone to know 'my mommy'. He runs up and hugs me several times an hour and just reassures himself and announces to me 'my mommy'. I love it. He wants to sit on my lap and he wants to be held and loved on. This is new, and i enjoy it. Last week he started asking 'why?' I was shocked (and happy) to see him throw his hands in the air and exclaim WHY?  all i could do was laugh. Sometimes i forget how delayed he is because he is getting so big (passing up mason in size) and he has come so incredibly far. It just made me so happy to know that he feels secure enough to question me and has the confidence in himself to know that he deserve an explanation. I love this lil' guy and he is definitely the baby! He pulls at my heartstrings.
Isabelle thinks she is the boss of everyone and we are definitely working on this with her. She has a strong personality and she has no doubt that we love her no matter what she does! She is jealous of the boys and i know she understands that she does not have the same security that the boys have now that they are adopted. It breaks my heart. I love her, not more than the boys, but i have loved her longer and i just wish with all my being that i could offer her the same stability and security that she feels her brothers getting. She is a caregiver at heart and takes care of everyone. She loves her brothers and really babies Noah (he doesn't appreciate it as much as she thinks he should).  She fights and hits and bites and bosses her brothers around but don't let her catch someone else doing those things to them!  She will knock you out!! She reminds me of myself in so many ways. She thrives on schedules and consistency but fights it all the way. I tell you, i love this girl but boy does she drive me crazy!!
So that's a real condensed version of life at my house after adoption.(very condensed version!) I hope i can blog a little more consistently. I must say i have missed it. Until next time...

protecting the littlest ones

Rough night. I had to run to the store tonight and headed out about 8pm. There was a lady walking by the front of my house, carrying a young girl. I glanced at her, got in my car and then thought 'i should have offered her a ride'. I was hesitant and ended up just getting in my car and driving away. I drove a few blocks away and when i was sitting there at the stoplight i knew i needed to go back and at least offer her a ride. The mom (assuming she was the mom) didn't have a coat and she was carrying the young girl (about 2 yrs. old). I caught up with them a way down the road and pulled over, rolled down my window and offered her a ride. It took me a few tries to get her attention and then she refused 'no, we're alright'. As i pulled away i did not have a good feeling about leaving her walking without having someone check it out. The mom seemed to slur her words and she was staggering as she walked. I called the police department. Then i drove around and around and around the block to make sure the police found her. They did. Then i broke down. Bawling. That little girl had a pink coat, brown hair and she just reminded me of my lil' love bug. I could just picture it being my girl dragged around by her biomom wherever she feels the need to go at night in 40 degree weather. It breaks my heart to think about what my girl has to deal with when she is not in my home. I pray that if lovebug is ever in a dangerous situation, someone will have the strength to protect her or call the police and make sure they protect her. I pray that someone will care enough to protect a little girl they don't know. I hate it when lovebug is not in my home. I hate it when she has overnights. I hate it when she is gone for weeks. I am sad thinking about what she has seen, what she has to deal with and how scared she must be at times. I still cry thinking about that little girl being carried around by her mom. Was she drunk? on drugs? in trouble? I am just happy the police were able to find her and i at least know i did what i could. It just makes me sad to think about what these little kids have to deal with when their parents do drugs, are immature, fight with each other or are in some kind of trouble. They are so helpless and i just hope there are people out there who will keep an eye out for strange or dangerous situations. Follow your instincts, and if you don't want to get involved or confront someone. Call the authorities, let them check it out. If nothing is wrong, then nothing will happen...but you just might save someone.

a picture is worth a thousand words...

We finally got our family pictures done today. Yeah! It has been a long time coming and i am so happy we were finally able to get them done. When my brother juan was here in colorado this summer, we were able to take family pics. My mom, stepdad and us kids. We also took some with everyone; my parents, my brothers and sister and all the grandchildren. Well, almost all the grandchildren, lovebug was not in any of the pictures. She was with her biomom at the time. My mom wanted individual family pictures too but we did not do one. We couldn't. Not without lovebug. So, we finally did them today. I can't wait to see them and i just know they came out great.
I am so happy we got them done. We took pictures of me and brian with lovebug after she had been with us for about 6 months. I know there are some people who wait till their kids are 'officially' theirs. It's cool to have an 'official' family pic after adoption. I would love to have one of those. I just don't know if we will ever get that opportunity with lovebug. So, i am so happy we did not wait. I would not have the pictures of us and lovebug as a family. And we are a family. She would not have those pictures to see of us together. Lovebug was just carrying around one of the wallet sized pictures the other day. She loves those pictures. I want to acknowledge the fact that we ARE a family. Families are different and no family is the same. We just have a different situation. There is no birth certificate or adoption ceremony in the world that will make me love my kids more than i do. I love them. We are a family. I needed to get these pictures done. I never know how long lovebug will be with us. She could be taken at any moment. When she grows up, i want her to have family pictures with us. Professional family pictures to show her that she is most definitely a part of our family, whether she ever gets adopted or not. I want the boys to see that we were a family, even before we adopted them. They are my sons. We are family. All of us together and now we will have the pictures to prove it!
It was a beautiful day. My favorite time of year. Autumn. The week of my tenth anniversary. Our family of two has expanded. Ten years ago, i never thought we would have 4 kids. I had hopes and dreams of what my family would be, and those hopes and dreams were slowly shattered. Little by little i lost hope at ever having a family. Brian and i have been through a lot in our ten years of marriage. Ten years ago i never could have imagined the trials and heartache. Yet, here i am. Taking family pictures with my husband and our 4 children. 4 children! It amazes me sometimes. I am blessed...

confessions of a clean freak

If you know me at all, then you know i am a little bit of a freak about cleaning. I like a clean house, i like an organized house and everything in my house has a place. It is just the way i am. I take a lot of the cleaning on , just because i like things done my way. Brian doesn't like it when i go behind him and redo what he has done, so i do it myself the first time. (let me add that he is a great help, and does a lot of the housework i don't like to do) If you ever watched the t.v. show friends, then you will understand when i say i associate myself with monica. Brian teases me all the time. I admit it, and i don't think it is the worst habit to have, of all the options out there. It is hard to stay organized with 4 little ones! It is my biggest challenge and i will say that i work hard to stay on top of things. I tell you all of this because gee's room is KILLING me! He likes to organize and clean his room, bless his little heart. A little one after my own heart........BUT, he doesn't do it the way i would do it! I know, i know, just be thankful he likes to clean and organize. I really am. It just takes all of me not to re-organize or tell him how to do it. I am trying to give him his space. I understand that in a house of 6 people, it is hard to have privacy, hard to express yourself and hard to find a space that is all your own. I am giving him that....even if it makes me crazy!! I had to take some pics to show you how cute he is organizing everything. This is clean in his mind. Super clean and he is very proud! This is messy to me!! Messy!! I love him and it should show in my ability to let him keep his room this way. Oh, how i love him!

Bunny ears and caves, really? Don't knock it, somehow it worked!

Gee and lovebug have learned to tie their shoes. Just like that. Lovebug decided at the beginning of the week that she wanted to tie her shoes, by herself. So, i started working with her. This was Sunday. Gee really didn't show any interest at first, he really didn't seem to care that lovebug was learning and he wasn't. He was happy to have me tie his shoes and recently he learned to take off his shoes without untying them, so he didn't have to ask anyone to tie them the next morning. (Very smart!) His uncle joe helped him early this summer and gee practiced for a week or so but didn't seem to stick with it. I must admit i have had some anxiety about teaching the kids to tie their shoes, i really wasn't sure how to teach them and was afraid they would be adults wearing velcro shoes! But lovebug is DETERMINED! She was not going to let me get away with just tying her shoes for her and hoping she would learn on the streets what her own mother was afraid to teach! She kept me trying and teaching. We had some extremely frustrating moments and she has cried and growled and blamed and still she kept on trying. I can tell you that my patience was stretched to the limits when i was ready to head out and she was sitting there trying to tie her shoes - over and over and over and over, determined to get it right! Then we were at itty bitty city on friday morn and i told the kids to get their shoes on, of course lovebug wanted to tie her shoes so i sat there with her and she tied both shoes with minimal frustration and little help. Then to my surprise - gee tied his shoes!! All by himself! I was amazed and unknown to me brian had showed him how to tie his shoes the day before and i think gee was just able to pick up where he left off early this summer. Today both kids tied both shoes - ALL BY THEMSELVES! (showing off their skills to nana) I am so proud of them. They will learn, in spite of my fears!